Tag: Uncle Shelton’s Tales

Uncle Shelton’s Tales: ‘Don The Evil Dingus’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I once upon a time wrote children’s stories in South Korea for young Koreans learning English. I did a pretty good job. The news that some dingus from the bowels of the Trump Administration has written a children’s book defending idiot Trump has prompted me to write my own story.

Uncle Shelton was reading a history book when his black cat Midnight jumped into his lap.

“Whatcha reading, Uncle Shelton?”

“A history book of the recent past.”

“What’s it about?” Midnight asked.

“Well, it’s about…”

Once upon a time, there was merchant named Don. He was very dumb and always said the wrong thing. He was evil as they come and loved
to read a poem about a snake. Don was part stake, according to the legends of yore. One day, there was an election for King of The Land.
Because the merchant was very evil and corrupt, he worked with the king of another land to steal the election.

But many people, including the writer known as Patel would not believe the dumb Merchant stole the election, but rather believed
the merchants lies long, long after it was moot and made them look like a fool. Patel, who should have known better, even wrote a book for
children accusing Hillary Queenton and Keeper Komey of things that were not true.

No one knows what will happen because of Patel and his lies, but there is now a darkness across the land. And the history of the future
may be of a great nation torn apart because people like Patel — who should have known better — kept repeating lies against people who
just wanted to keep their kingdom great.

Here’s a better example of my ability to write a children’s story:

When I was in South Korea teaching English, there was this cute little kid who completely mixed up the New Testament with the movie “Constantine.” It was so cute and surreal that I used it once when I was writing EduTimes fairy tales for this or that surreal little story. So, with that in mind, here’s my effort to explain to a child how fucked up Jeff Sessions’ efforts on the border are. And, as an added bonus, we get to use gennies as a symbolic warning — they’re a poor man’s alarm system as I understand it.

Uncle Shelton’s Tales’ Presents:
Naborat Jeebus & The Gennies

Uncle Shelton took Midnight a farm one day and the moment they got there, there was a horrible noise! Birds were running around everywhere, squawking and causing trouble.

“What are those, Uncle Shelton?” Midnight asked.

“Those are gennies!” Uncle Shelton said. “They make a lot of noise, they warn you when you’re in trouble. One time they saved the land from a horrible orange troll!”

One upon a time, an evil orange troll named Little Hands overthrew the lion as the king of the land. He had become friends with the birds who tweeted his commands down on the animal kingdom. Little Hands had promised so many things to the animal kingdom using the birds’ tweets and for a while there was peace in the land as he grew in power. One day, the Little Hands awoke to a horrible noise! The kingdom was being invaded by gennies! They are a very loud birds and they made it so Little Hands couldn’t sleep. He was very lazy and liked to sleep all day long!

Little Hands decided to use magic to get rid of the gennies. He summoned an evil elf. He told the elf to do whatever it took to get rid of the brown, noisy gennies.

“Yes sir Little Hands!” the evil little elf said. “Right away sir!”

Using his magic powers, he summoned the most powerful magical creature he knew of, Naborat Jeebus! Naborat Jeebus was very old and long ago had left the land to live with his father. The evil little elf told Naborat Jeebus many lies about the gennies, so many lies that Naborat Jeebas cast the gennies into a big pin! He even tore genny familes apart!

The noise of all those gennies being moved into a big pen was ever so loud. Loud enough that Naborat Jeebus took note. He paused for a moment and asked a genny why they were making so much noise.

“We’re just gennies!” one said. “It’s our job in the animal kingdom to make noise, to product people from danger! We meant no harm!”

Naborat Jeebus looked at the evil little elf and got angry.

“How dare you summon me to hurt the innocent!” Naborat Jeebus yelled.

And with that, Naborat Jeebus freed the gennies and turned both the evil little elf and Little Hands into toads and went back to be with his father.

The End.

“See,” Uncle Shelton said. “Sometimes, the good guys win!”

“I know,” Midnight said. “But not always, right?”

“No, Midnight, not always. But if you make enough noise like the gennies, you’re more likely to do so.”

Uncle Shelton’s Tales: Little Fingers & The Tears Of Heaven #KeepFamiliesTogether

This is another attempt to explain to a child what’s going on with the children being torn away from their families on American border. I don’t know how well I did, but it’s nice to vent in a somewhat wholesome manner.

Uncle Shelton’s Tales
Little Fingers & The Tears Of Heaven

By Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

Midnight the cat hopped on Uncle Shelton’s lap one day and began to purr. She said she had heard a new world on TV and wanted to know what it meant. “What does ‘evil’ mean?” she said. Uncle Shelton sighed deeply and patted Midnight on the head softly.

Uncle Shelton sighed and said, “Let me tell you a story…”

Once a upon a time, there lived an evil orange troll named Little Fingers. Through a trick that he pulled with help of the bear, Little Fingers had been elected lord of the forest. He used his magic powers to tell the birds to tweet his commands down to the forest creatures and otherwise did nothing but sit under his bridge and count his gold.

But one day Little Fingers learned that large numbers of rabbits from another forest were making their way to his forest because of evil problems in their forest. The wicked orange troll was unhappy with this and decreed that any rabbit family who came to his forest demanding a safer life would be torn apart.

“I want to make sure the bunnies know who’s in charge,” Little Fingers said. “I have absolute power over this land and nothing will change that.”

Because the forest Little Fingers ruled was so divided and scared, it looked as though his cruel decree would never be changed. But it began to rain suddenly. It began to rain and rain and rain until it seemed as though the earth could hold no more water. The owls, who were very wise, came to Little Fingers and told him something had to change.

“The heavens are crying because of your rabbit policy,” an owl told Little Fingers. “If you don’t change the policy soon, we’re all going to drown!”

Little Fingers at first refused. He was a cruel, evil orange troll and would not brook any opposition, even from the heavens itself. But the forest creatures eventually grew tired of the rain and of the injustice and will the help of the powerful honey badger stormed the troll’s bridge and forced him to change his policy.

And to this day the forest is a at peace and the eagles again soar over its skies.

The End.

Uncle Shelton’s Tales: ‘Little Hands & The Bear’

This is me trying to explain to a child what happened during the 2016 presidential election. I think I did a pretty good job.

Uncle Shelton’s Tales: ‘Little Hands & The Bear’
by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

Uncle Shelton and Midnight were fishing at a pond one day when Midnight found a odd bird drinking water. It was made of clay and was very mean to him. He grabbed the clay bird with his mouth and took it to Uncle Shelton.

“What’s this?” Midnight asked.

After a moment of looking at the clay bird, Uncle Shelton patted Midnight on the head and said, “Let me tell you a story…”

One upon a time, the forest creatures held their regular election to see who would be king of the forest. Usually, forest creatures picked between different eagles. Eagles had long been rulers of the forest and kept forest creatures safe and at peace. This time, however, was different.

A nasty, hateful orange troll called Little Hands wanted to control the forest and make all the forest creatures scared of the outside world. He claimed the only way to prevent Man from taking over the forest was to build a big, big wall around it. The forest creatures were not happy with the eagle they had to pick from this time — she was boring — so they were interested.

Little Hands was clever. He talked to the bear, who had long wanted to control the forest because he envied the eagle. Little Hands and the bear came up with a idea. “I have troll magic, let’s make fake birds to tweet and tweet about me to forest animals as they decide who will be the new ruler of the forest,” Little Hands told the bear.

The bear grunted and smiled.

“I know lots of mean things about the eagle that we can tell the fake birds to tweet,” the bear said.

Soon enough, forest creatures large and small didn’t know what to believe. They were scared and confused because of all of the tweets the fake birds were chirping about the eagle. In the end, Little Hands won.

Being mean, he slowly began to turn the forest into a dark and scary place. But the forest creatures were smart and strong and eventually overthrew Little Hands peacefully. How they did it, however, is best left to another story.

“But what happened,” Midnight asked. “How did they over throw the mean troll?

Uncle Shelton sighed deeply and petted Midnight’s head.

“It’s a very funny story, but we need to get back,” Uncle Shelton told Midnight. “It’s time for dinner!”

Shelton Bumgarner is a writer and photographer living in Richmond, Va. He may be reached at migukin (at) gmail (dot) com.

Uncle Shelton’s Tales: ‘Little Hands Meets The Honey Badger’

The point of these tales in general is to try to explain very adult, very timely news events in a manner a child might understand. They’re meant to be about 500 words and something you might read to, say a six-year-old. I’m no expert on the matter so there may be some wiggle room on that matter. This story is meant to explain the inhumane treatment of immigrant families on the border on the part of the Trump Administration.

Uncle Shelton and his pet cat Midnight were walking through the forest when they heard the birds above them tweeting very loudly and quickly. Uncle Shelton, who could understand animals, paused for a moment as he listened to the tweets and looked down out Midnight. He picked his kitty up and gave him a tight snuggle.

“What’s wrong Uncle Shelton?” Midnight said between purrs.

“Let me tell you a story,” Uncle Shelton said softly.

Once upon a time, there lived an evil orange troll named Little Hands who overthrew the eagle as ruler of the forest. He was cruel and mean to everyone who disagreed with him. He kept the eagle in a cage and poked it now and then so he could laugh. His dream was to build a wall around the forest to keep outsiders out. But summer came and animals from outside the forest wanted to drink at a large pond in the middle of it.

Little Hands, being mean, made a rule that animal families who came to the forest without his permission would be torn apart. Mommies and daddies wouldn’t be able to see their children anymore! The animals of the forest grew so angry that they gathered in secret to figure out how to fix the problem.

“I wish the eagle wasn’t in a cage!” said a bear cub.

“Well, we can’t wish. We need results,” said a boar. “We need a honey badger!”

A hush fell upon the gathered animals. Honey badgers were well known in the animal kingdom for having no fear. The animals gathered all the gold they could find and summoned the honey badger. The honey badger came to the kingdom and there was no stopping him. He broke all the little animals free and even freed the eagle! There was much rejoicing on the part of the animals as Little Hands ran away, crying.

Midnight was so excited at the end of the story that he climbed on top of Uncle Shelton’s head!

“I love that story!” he said. “Is it true? Is that what the birds are tweeting about?”

Uncle Shelton paused, took Midnight into his arms and kissed him.

“If only it were so, my little furry friend,” Uncle Shelton said with a tear in his eye. “If only it were so.”

Shelton Bumgarner is a writer and photographer living in Richmond, Va. He may be reached at migukin (at) gmail (dot) com.

Uncle Shelton’s Tales: ‘Naborat Jeebus & The Gennies’

When I was in South Korea teaching English, there was this cute little kid who completely mixed up the New Testament with the movie “Constantine.” It was so cute and surreal that I used it once when I was writing EduTimes fairy tales for this or that surreal little story. So, with that in mind, here’s my effort to explain to a child how fucked up Jeff Sessions’ efforts on the border are. And, as an added bonus, we get to use gennies as a symbolic warning — they’re a poor man’s alarm system as I understand it.

Uncle Shelton’s Tales’ Presents:
Naborat Jeebus & The Gennies

Uncle Shelton took Midnight a farm one day and the moment they got there, there was a horrible noise! Birds were running around everywhere, squawking and causing trouble.

“What are those, Uncle Shelton?” Midnight asked.

“Those are gennies!” Uncle Shelton said. “They make a lot of noise, they warn you when you’re in trouble. One time they saved the land from a horrible orange troll!”

One upon a time, an evil orange troll named Little Hands overthrew the lion as the king of the land. He had become friends with the birds who tweeted his commands down on the animal kingdom. Little Hands had promised so many things to the animal kingdom using the birds’ tweets and for a while there was peace in the land as he grew in power. One day, the Little Hands awoke to a horrible noise! The kingdom was being invaded by gennies! They are a very loud birds and they made it so Little Hands couldn’t sleep. He was very lazy and liked to sleep all day long!

Little Hands decided to use magic to get rid of the gennies. He summoned an evil elf. He told the elf to do whatever it took to get rid of the brown, noisy gennies.

“Yes sir Little Hands!” the evil little elf said. “Right away sir!”

Using his magic powers, he summoned the most powerful magical creature he knew of, Naborat Jeebus! Naborat Jeebus was very old and long ago had left the land to live with his father. The evil little elf told Naborat Jeebus many lies about the gennies, so many lies that Naborat Jeebas cast the gennies into a big pin! He even tore genny familes apart!

The noise of all those gennies being moved into a big pen was ever so loud. Loud enough that Naborat Jeebus took note. He paused for a moment and asked a genny why they were making so much noise.

“We’re just gennies!” one said. “It’s our job in the animal kingdom to make noise, to product people from danger! We meant no harm!”

Naborat Jeebus looked at the evil little elf and got angry.

“How dare you summon me to hurt the innocent!” Naborat Jeebus yelled.

And with that, Naborat Jeebus freed the gennies and turned both the evil little elf and Little Hands into toads and went back to be with his father.

The End.

“See,” Uncle Shelton said. “Sometimes, the good guys win!”

“I know,” Midnight said. “But not always, right?”

“No, Midnight, not always. But if you make enough noise like the gennies, you’re more likely to do so.”

Shelton Bumgarner is a writer and photographer living in Richmond, Va. He may be reached at migukin (at) gmail (dot) com.

Uncle Shelton’s Tales: ‘The Bird King’

In this one, I’m trying to explain to a child Trump’s use of Twitter. So much of what Trump does is nearly impossible to explain to a very young child because how abstract it is. But if you break it down into concepts they can understand, you can get the point across and make yourself feel better. This one is ok, I guess. There’s something there that could be used to tell the story I want to tell, it’s just not nearly as focused as it could be. But I wrote this one VERY FAST.

The Bird King
A Fairy Tale by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

Uncle Shelton was walking through the woods with Midnight. Midnight raced around every once in a while, trying to eat the birds, but they were too fast and could fly.

“I wish I could be a bird,” Midnight told Uncle Shelton. “That would be so cool!”

“Are you sure….” Uncle Shelton said.

Once upon a time, an evil orange troll named Little Hands lived under a bridge. He was greedy and stole from people as they cross the bridge. He loved shiny things and thought one day he might get some gold to love. Because we all know if there’s one thing trolls love, it’s gold!

One day, Little Hands, the orange troll, heard someone above him walking across the bridge. He jumped out from under the bridge and what did he see but a old man and a camel. Little Hands demanded tribute to cross the bridge. The old man, with eternal, wise eyes, looked at the orange troll and shook his head.

“I have no money, just wishes,” the old man said.

“Well give me a wish, then!” Little Hands said. “I demand tribute! I want gold!”

“How about I let you wish to be a bird? You’ll get your gold that way,” the old man said.

Little Hands gave it some thought and finally agreed. He wished to be a bird and the old man passed across the bridge and vanished. Soon enough, Little Hands was a bird! He flew around with all his might, enjoying flight. He realized that now that he could talk to the other birds, he had a lot of power. So he tweeted to the other birds that they were being robbed by the other forest animals who enjoyed their shiny feathers and lovely sounds. He said they should demand tribute! They needed gold!

And the birds attacked the other forest creatures until they got all the gold they wanted. Just as it seemed the forest was doomed, a funny bird appeared out of nowhere. He made jokes about Little Hands, making all the forest creatures laugh and laugh. The power of all that laughter broke the old man’s spell and Little Hands became just a troll again. He lost all his gold, all his power and lived a long life under his bridge, remembering when he was the Bird King.

The End.

“So where did the funny bird come from?” Midnight asked Uncle Shelton.

“The old man with the camel crossed another bridge! This time there was a funny troll!” Uncle Shelton hooted. “The moral of the story is if someone makes your wish come true, they might give your dreams to someone else as well!”