Tag: Taylor Swift

A Tay-Tay Rant


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I only write this because I’m listening to Tay-Tay this afternoon and I’m growing very fucking frustrated. Tay-Tay is pop music’s Trump when it comes to sucking up to the base. Her lyrics, however well written, are like Fat Monica saying “your softness” when trying to talk dirty.

Don’t hurt’em Tay-Tay.

I know I’m never going to get a Tay-Tay cover of WAP, but she’s a grown woman. She’s had sex, right? Why not, I don’t know, have a one night stand with Miley Cyrus to get some inspiration. Something, anything, to spice up her music.

She’s going to be the Bob Hope of pop music the way things are going. She’s just…warm milk on a creative level. She’s comfort food for women who are going to grow up to have a lot of cats, drink a lot of wine and think COVID19 can be cure with essential oils.

It’s all very frustrating.

But, I’m well aware that I’m not her audience at this point. And, yet, the case could be made that with Olivia Rodrigo coming on strong from behind being, like a normal human being — even at 18 — that there may come a point when Tay-Tay beings to feel a bit more frisky than she does at the moment.

Then she’ll be too old and no one will care.

And, yet, she’s very successful and will probably have a 30 year career. I’m — at the moment — just an anonymous loser in the middle of nowhere.

Lulz.

The Massive Missed Creative Opportunity That Is Tay-Tay


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Oh, Tay-Tay. Everyone once in a while, I’ll get into a Taylor Swift kick and listen to a few of her songs on repeat. She’s a great performer and artist and, in general, I really like her more pop stuff.

Why fix what’s not broken?

And then….I accidently listen to one of her “fan service” songs and I violently roll my eyes. OH, COME ON, Tay, Tay, you can do better than that. It’s so annoying that Ms. Swift has decided to never challenge herself, never take a risk, never work outside her (very popular and profitable) comfort zone.

It all feels like a huge missed opportunity.

Imagine if Tay-Tay decided to work with a hip-hop or rock producer and came out with her take on Nelly Furtado’s “Loose” album. Or even maybe do very Garbage-influenced album? Both of those would be really cool and potentially significantly broaden her already huge popularity. I would even settle for her to work with Chvrches in some way. Something, anything so she did something a bit more interesting that fan service for nearly-middle aged women who think “getting drunk” is a big deal.

But, I’m not her audience. She’s doing really well doing what she’s doing and there’s no need for her to change.

I do wonder, however, what happens when she wakes up one morning 10 years from now and realizes she’s about to have her “last fuckable evening” in the eyes of Hollywood producers. Will she freak out and record a sexxy rock album out of desperation, or will she just roll over and go back to sleep?

I think we all know the answer to that one.

So, as such, Tay-Tay will remain someone who is hugely popular on a both a creative and artistic level…and yet leaves us feeling as though we’re missing out on what could have been.

Who ‘Owns’ Tay-Tay?


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Since Tik-Tok apparently reads my mind, I was recently pushed a video by the service of a young woman complaining about “male Taylornators.” This leads me to wonder — who “owns” Taylor Swift?

It’s comical what a cliché Tay-Tay’s fanbase is. In general, Tay-Tay is the Donald Trump of servicing her base. Her sweet spot is a well educated liberal woman who talks a good game about “slaying the patriarchy” but in the end settles down and pops out a few kids, anyway.

As such, the idea that Tay-Tay would have to suffer the slings and arrows of the dreading male gaze is something that makes her fan base freak out. Tay-Tay is ethereal and eternal. She’s sexless and yet sexual. Tay-Tay would never betray her fan base by, say, doing a sex scene in a Hollywood movie to further her career. (Playing a horny cat — ok.) Tay-Tay has a boyfriend but her heart belongs to Karlie Klose. (Or something.) She talks about “romance” in her songs but nothing as dirty as lust.

While it would be a push to call me a “Taylornator,” I do think Tay-Tay is a good-to-great song writer and singer. And I’m a red blooded American male — when I see Taylor Swift, I see a hot blonde. It does not escape my attention that she’s very modest and even her most reveling attire looks like it would be the swim attire of a middle age housewife.

The surreal thing about all of this is the existential predicament to places Tay-Tay in. As far as I can determine, Tay-Tay is extremely sensitive. So, I can’t imagine she would devastate her rabid fanbase by letting slip a little T&A in service of her Hollywood career. Hand in hand with this is — it’s very unlikely Tay-Tay would team up with someone like Megan Thee Stallion or Lizzo while screaming at the top of her lungs about her banjo picking WAP.

I’m not suggesting Tay-Tay change. She’s quite successful as she is. I know I’m an interloper in the over estroneated hot house that is Tay-Tay’s fan base. It’s not my place to tell her what to do with her career. I guess it’s just mildly sad that Tay-Tay will never, ever take her Hollywood career to the next level by letting lechrous men like me see a peek of a bit more skin than she has to date.

Tay-Tay, Girl, You Need To Grow Up


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m going through a Taylor Swift phase again via my Spotify account and I’m struck by sensitive she is. This is a good thing when it comes to her writing and having an emotional connection to her mostly female audience. And, yet, it seems she’s hurting her career by in album after album pumping out fan service.

She has a great voice. She’s a great performer — Swift can dance 10 times better than Dua Lipa. And she seems pretty self-aware (at times.) She’s dabbled in more adult, mainstream pop — to great success — so it’s not like she can’t do it. But come on, lady, you’re not 22 anymore. You’re a grown ass woman.

You need to be a little bit more edgy. Female rappers are do a lot of creative, interesting things. It wouldn’t hurt Tay-Tay to swerve into some of the conspicuous raunchiness of the rap world. I mean, Ariana Grande has made a whole career in adult contemporary music telling me in excruciating detail how horny she is.

Now, I don’t honestly expect her to do this. No matter how old she — or her fanbase — gets. At the moment, there’s a lot of alluded to sexuality in her lyrics and a lot of “tee-hee I like to drink” references here and there. But Swift would have to produce a “missing link” album for her to be able to do a colab with one of the very talented, interesting female rappers out there. If she made a clean break from her training bra music oeuvre a lot of girls and young women would be heart broken and burst into tears. Not Tay-Tay!

What’s most likely to happen is Swift is going to be a huge, huge star for decades and then at some point in her mid-40s, she will come out with a really provocative album that gets a lot of buzz outside of her core group of fans…and then she turns around and goes back to doing exactly what she’s been doing for decades.

All of this raises the question — am I asking Swift to sell out? I don’t think so. I’m asking her to grow up and challenge her audience and fan base — and maybe herself. I’m still not 100% sure she’s not a virgin. Though she occasionally shoots out a sexxy music video, in general, she’s every white parent’s ideal new member of the family. There’s a reason why Swift had to go way out of her way to say, “I am not a white nationalist.”

And, yet, the case could be made that she serves a purpose in our culture — she’s the exact center of pop culture. She has enough talent not to be boring, but she’s always going to circle the exact center of the pop music world.

Anyway. No one listens to me.

Taylor Swift Will Never Be A Movie Star


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Taylor Swift is one of the best entertainers of her generation. She has millions of rabid fans who analyze and debate her every statement and action. Swift has all that and will likely have it for the rest of her life. But there’s one thing she will never have: a movie career.

The reason for this is simple — Swift is never going to do a sex scene and she’s never going to show any T&A. Never. Never. Even in this post-#MeToo era that we live in where mainstream Hollywood movies seem more interested in screeching about lesbian sex positions than entertaining an audience, someone as drop dead gorgeous as Swift would inevitably have to drop trou to get the type of movie role she might want to start a serious Hollywood career.

Given what most of her fan base is made up of — liberal white girls and women — the idea that she would do something as out of character as do a sex scene in a movie to further her Hollywood career is just not applicable for Swift. I’m not saying this is a bad thing — you do you, Tay-Tay — but Swift definitely seems like the type of ambitious young woman who would otherwise have at least a chance of having a serious Hollywood career.

The only out for Swift on this front is when she is in her 40s and she’s had a 20 year residency in Vegas and even the youngest members of her fanbase are in their 30s, she probably could get away with a traditional Hollywood sex scene. Her fan base will be so jaded by this point that they, at last, won’t care. And Swift herself will be old enough that she will want to prove she’s still got the goods.

As an aside, I will note that Swift is in the exact middle of pop culture. She is the center of pop culture. She never went through any kind of wild, crazy period in her career where she came out as bi and dated a woman or a rapper or whatever. The thing about her music career that I have noticed is she apparently has decided to do exclusively fan service from here on out. She’s never going to challenge her fans, or change, or mature or anything. Another thing about Swift is she’s hot but not sexy. She’s about the most chaste pop star out there. She never, ever has ever had an accidently on purpose nip slip or flashed a bit of butt crack on Instagram.

She’s training bra music and will spend the rest of her life producing some variation of that theme.

Taylor Swift, Cara Delevingne, Kaia Gerber & The Media’s Construction of ‘Reality’


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Let me begin by saying I just don’t care one way or another if Cara Delevingne and Kaia Gerber are dating. I will admit that the such a prospect does make my eyes bug out a little bit, that’s not the point. What those two fine, fine women do with their bodies is their own concern.

What bugs me is how the celebrity news business seems to be pulling a fast one on us about what is “real.” This is kind of late, but something about this photo and how it was presented at the time it was released really bothers me.

“We’re just friends.”

Ok, so, this photo is of a two-person cardigan that Taylor Swift gave Cara Delevingne and Kaia Gerber upon the release of her fan-service album “Cardigan.” So far, so good. What bothers me is at the time there was zero indication that this was anymore than just “two friends” getting a kooky gift from their equally famous friend Taylor Swift. I will admit that maybe this is far more well known in New York City than I realize and if that’s the case, I’m sorry. But relative to my media intake, there’s been not even a Entertainment Tonight allusion to this couple’s existence.

It’s almost as if celebrity media simply did not want to do anything to let us know that, uhhhhhh, those two aren’t just friends. It reminds me of how The New York Times was famous back in the day for various wink-wink nudge-nudge euphemisms for “gay.”

This brings up the issue — why does this even matter?

It matters to me because it’s the duty of journalism — even celebrity journalism – to provide context. The couple is out enough that they’re wearing a two-person cardigan, for Christ’s sake, why not just ship them to the public? It’s shit like this that makes people not trust the media.

There must have been some way to simply state the obvious about the picture — Taylor Swift gave a two-person cardigan to Cara Delevingne and Kaia Gerber who are in a romantic relationship. But I guess the reasoning is, being out among the 1% is different than being out with the hayseed rubes of middle-America so celebrity journalists, in a sense, are protecting the couple. I’m probably stumbling across some sort of queer theory concept of how different the concept of being “out” is among different parts of society.

Anyway. It’s just annoying.

But, as I keep saying, I wish the couple well (if they’re even still dating.) I just had to vent a little bit about that picture.

Taylor Swift’s Missed Opportunity


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Let me begin by saying Taylor Swift is an accomplished singer-songwriter. And that’s not what may problem with her is. Her fans are totally right to adore her and love everything she produces. My problem is with how it seems every album she drops is fan service.

Now, let me be clear — I’m well aware that because I’m a white male that any criticism of Swift is opening me up to her fans flipping out. Swift’s fanbase is musical identity politics for young women. My issue is Swift is…maybe challenge her fanbase a little bit to the extent that people outside of that fan base might get good music, too?

As a counter-example, take Miley Cyrus. She is really exploring a New Sound — a call it Rona Rock — and going in some pretty cool musical directions that has the potential to greatly expand her fan base. Swift, meanwhile, is making good-to-great music…but it’s fan service. Exclusively fan service.

I guess Swift’s thinking is — she’s got a good thing, why fix what isn’t broken. It just seems to me that this is a very short-sighted world view in the sense that is she just going to coast on her fans for the next 20 to 30 years? That’s not really a recipe for any type of long-term cultural relevance.

Maybe Swift just wants to be a more popular version of Shania Twain? I guess there’s nothing wrong with that. May pique is if Swift put out a rock album, maybe rock would come back, if just for a moment. What Cyrus is doing suggests that that is at least possible.

Anyway. I got no beef with Swift. Just think there’s a miss opportunity for both she and her fans.

Of Taylor Swift


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I really like Taylor Swift. And, yet, there’s something “hot-but-not-sexy” about her. This, I think, is why she will never have any career in Hollywood. She has a very passionate fanbase who would be flabbergasted in the extreme if she, say, did nudity in a movie to further her career.

And, really, I don’t even think she should worry about it. She’s hitting on all cylinders right now…why change? She probably has a 30+ year career ahead of her — if not more – and she’ll sort of a far more popular version of Shania Twain when she’s in her 40s or 50s.

Though, it might be her natural ambition that gets her in trouble. There’s going to come a point when she’s married and has kids and basic human nature will kick in. She’s going to be, “Fuck it, a little T&A never hurt anyone, right?” I guess what I’m saying is, she could lay the groundwork for that NOW, instead of springing it on her fanbase later.

She’s done a few things here and again to spice her imagine up, but nothing too provocative. And, again, she’s fine. She has no reason to change. She is in the exact center of pop culture right now — no need for her to to an all-female version of Midnight Cowboy or anything.

The only thing I could maybe see causing her to change her imagine some is if, say, Miley Cyrus’ career began to eclipse hers or something. But Ms. Swift is such a gentle, awkward soul that I would be stunned if she did anything, anything at all, to change her imagine.

And I can’t say I blame her.

Annie Clark Needs To Team Up With Taylor Swift


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m a pretty big fan of St Vincent. And, yet, my mind grows irritated with her music for some reason. And with all this talk of a “New Sound” beginning to — maybe– develop, I realize what it is : Annie Clark needs her Paul McCartney.

See, this is what’s going on — St. Vincent is so busy producing weird art-rock music that she’s squandering her potential. She needs someone like Paul McCartney to force her to balance her need to write the next “Tomorrow Never Knows” with, say, her ability to produce something closer to “Revolution.”

The thing that draws me to Clark is her guitar ability. But the songs that are associated with those guitar solos are…just too fucking weird. If you could, like, get someone to create a female version of Guns & Roses with Annie playing the part of Slash, well, then, that would be pretty cool.

Ok, hear me out. Who’s the one person that could balance out Clark’s weirder tendencies? Taylor Fucking Swift. That paring would be perfect. Put Meg White on drums and maybe make Carrie Brownstein the group’s “George Harrison” and I think you would have the makings of a rock group for the ages.

You’d need some serious ego-management to make that particular dream line up a reality. But, alas, no one listens to me. At least my novel is going well at the moment.

My Dream ‘Rona Rock’ Song — Taylor Swift Singing ‘Would I Lie To You?’


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I have written about this before and, really, for me to keep talking about it, I’m being both “delusional and stupid.” But can you imagine if Taylor Swift did a quickie cover of the Eurythmics “Would I Lie To You?”

Here’s what you do — get Taylor Swift to fucking break something. Get her glammed up and tricked out as a rocker. She gets to scream at the top of her lungs about something very relevant in the Trump Era — lies. Remember, this song’s key is female empowerment. Imagine if it was Annie Clark on lead guitar. She as very distinctive style, so that, in itself, would update this 80s hit.

I love this song. And, really, come to think of it, if you were going to get all “girl supergroup” on us, instead of a trio of R&B backing vocals, you get Billie Eilish to lend her deep, husky sound to the song. So, you’d have Taylor Swift on vocals, St. Vincent on guitar, Billie Eilish as a backup vocalist and, say, Meg White on drums.

That would rock!