Tag: Taylor Swift

Millie Bobby Brown & The Creation of Reality

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I used to read the old Gawker religiously and they were always exposing the true marketing origins of viral moments. So, let’s break down why it’s highly likely that Millie Bobby Brown being photographed in pretty much standard issue bikinis were all part of a plan to transition her into adult roles.

Millie Bobby Brown

Before I begin, I would like to note that another person — Taylor Swift — got snapped in a bikini with her boyfriend but the pictures were taken from far away and grainy. Almost as if…Tay-Tay didn’t want the pictures taken.

Ok, Ms. Brown has just turned 18 in February and she’s in this weird era in her career where to date the audience has seen her as a “kid in danger” on Stranger Things. So, Ms. Brown has two routes to shake things up and remind the audience that she’s not a child anymore — run around with no clothes on in a rather shocking manner — the Miley Cyrus Option, if you will, or do what she did “accidently on purpose” get snapped in “a bikini.”

She’s a public figure — just to go outside in just a standard issue bikini probably involved a “team” meeting unto itself. Or not, she may have just had a brief chat with her folks. Anyway, no way she would go on a boat with her boyfriend so close to shore that it was easy to get clear shots of her without her thinking way in advance that this very thing would happen.

The only reason why I mention any of this again is I got a surprising number of pings from exotic locals (probably entertainment people on vacation) and this whole thing taps into my personal annoyance with how much of what we call “reality” is actually constructed. Or, if not constructed, at least “managed.”

And I’m not suggesting anything too sinister. And I know all about how MAGA New Right people are always flipping out about the “media narrative.” Anyway, the point is — a lot of the modern world is managed by PR people who know that most people don’t have the time to think through where a viral moment may have really come from.

I’m Impressed With Millie Bobby Brown’s Personal Brand Management

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I don’t think I’m being too jaded to point out that all these pictures we’re seeing of Millie Bobby Brown on vacation in rather modest bikinis is part of her soft transition to adult hood. Unlike many young starlets who freaked the fuck out once they were 18, she’s figured out a way to change people’s perception of her while simply wearing bikinis.

Millie Bobby Brown

She must have known the paps would take pictures of her and, as such, she wore the bikinis she wore simply to get adults to think of her as, well, an adult. Now that everyone has seen her in a bikini, casting directors are probably going to be a lot more open to putting her in more mature roles.

Which, of course, makes me think of Taylor Swift and how she HASN’T managed herself as well. While she’s occasionally wore more provocative clothing, Tay-Tay showing some T&A for a movie role would make her fanbase melt down into hysterics. Even though both she and they are no longer children anymore. Hollywood is an industry and, as such, if Tay-Tay wants bigger mainstream roles, she might have to – gasp — show a little bit more skin than her fanbase is accustomed to seeing.

But back to Ms. Brown.

She has excellent management, is all I gotta say. She’s always worn more adult clothing — sometimes to the point that I have found myself cringing — and now she’s very much in the position to become just another big name Hollywood star without going through that weird transitional phase that has haunted other young starlets.

Tove Lo Continues To Impress Me & She Should Collaborate With Taylor Swift

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Rumor has it that Taylor Swift has an unreleased rock album called “Karma.” It makes me very sad that such a thing might exist and we will never get to hear it. But, barring the release of that mythical album, I wish Tay-Tay would collaborate with Tove Lo.

Tove Lo

Tove Lo is really, really good. She has a knack for producing a dance pop rock song. She’s produced banger after banger. And Tay-Tay would benefit greatly from tapping into Tove Lo’s edge and come out with an album that was not, exclusively, fan service.

Tay-Tay is so obsessed with fan service that she’s kind of put herself in a creative corner. Neither she nor her fanbase are getting any younger and there’s going to come a point when she hits 40 and she’s still producing really popular music…that only serves her millions of now-very adult female fans. While I often say Tay-Tay is the exact center of pop culture, she serves a very, very narrow spectrum of listeners.

And, to date, that has serve her well. It’s just annoying for me, someone who doesn’t fit her core fan base. Tay-Tay has exceptional ear for writing a pop song and if she teamed with Tove Lo I think they could produce an album that would knock things out of the park.

But what do I know. I’m a middle aged CIS white male. Part of the patriarchy. I shoudl shut up and never say anything about anything — especially Taylor Swift.

So THAT Is What Taylor Swift’s ‘All Too Well’ Is About?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Ok, so what I suspected is apparently true — the reason why Taylor Swift is so worked up TO THIS DAY about her relationship to Jake Gyllenhaal is he punched her v-card.

Ugh.

So, I suppose, the whole issue with the “scarf” is really her talking about how he took her innocence? Is that what the fuck she’s complaining about? So, just from a brief glance what may have happened via a very lazy Google search — Tay-Tay wanted to keep her virginity until marriage and she was so smitten with Gyllenhaal that she gave it up after three months.

The thing about stories like this is you can never figure out how much of it is image management and how much of it is true. Swift has so much potential to be a really great pop star…and yet she is so wrapped up in fan service when it comes to her music that she continues to produce just…meh…music.

And, I get it. All her fans are woke and they publicly rant about how much they hate men then turn around and date the biggest fucking assholes they can get their hands on. So, they see Tay-Tay as a vessel for that idologiy. If only evil Jake Gyllenhaal had kept it penis to himself, then Tay-Tay could have kept her v-card and maybe even never had heterosexual sex and live happily ever after with Karli Kloss like she was meant to be.

Jesus Christ.

What I think really happen — as a CIS white male who should never say anything about anything — is was fucking inevitable that Tay-Tay was going to have sex and some of her complaining in “All Too Well” is kind of like her version of Meatloaf’s “Paradise by The Dashboard Light.”

Swift is very sensitive and awkward and she struggles with what it means to be a woman who’s had sex and so she writes 10 minute songs about it.

Taylor Swift & The Strange Case Of The Dog That Hasn’t Barked


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I only write this because I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift’s Reputation on repeat on Spotify and I kind of have her on the mind. Anyway, the thing about Swift is she the exact center of mass media, of pop culture. She also is an avatar for the hopes and dreams of a generation or more of American women. As such, there is a curious event (or two) that hasn’t happen.

Tay-Tay

Why hasn’t Taylor Swift had a kid yet?

Or, more specifically, why hasn’t Taylor Swift gotten married and knocked out a few kids.

Her hoards of giddy female fans — Taylor is a regular Oprah in that regard — are beginning to reach that moment in their life when they’re settling down, getting married and starting families. If Swift is to maintain a stranglehold on their devotion and admiration — and stay relatable — she’s going to have to do something similar as well.

Before I go on, I have to address the surreal attempts on the part of Swifties to “prove” that Swift has had lesbian affairs with the likes of Karlie Kloss and others. I believe — especially with Kloss — that these rumors are true. But not in the way Taylor Swift’s fans might want.

I just think Swift and Kloss were modern wealthy celebrity women and, as such, they occasionally slept together out of drunken curiosity if nothing else. It’s my understanding that female same-sex relationships among the elite are so common that even to point them out is trey goche. So any “relationship” that Tay-Tay had with Kloss was far more of a lulz than her fans might think.

Anyway, the key reason why I like Tay-Tay so much is the fact that the’s the center of pop culture. She’s comfort food for the middle brow middle class. She doesn’t really challenge you and occasionally she runs emotionally naked through her lyrics.

It will be interesting to see when she happens to pop out a kid or two.

‘Write A Song About You’ — #lyrics to a #pop #rock song

This is just me screwing around, complaining about how Taylor Swift won’t shut up about short relationships from a decade ago.
Write A Song About You
lyrics by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner
Please give credit if you produce or perform.

you took my virginity
it’s sad but true
but I’m going to fight back
tell the world what is right and wrong
when I write a song, write a song
write a song about you

you think you have eveything down pat
but I think you’re nothing but a rat
people come and go that’s just swell
I’m ready to exact my revenge it’s true
when I sit down, sit down
put pen to paper so I can

write a song about you
write a song, write a song
write a song about you
write a song about you

you’re one of many who think
they know what makes me tick
it was long ago, it’s true
but I still remember your smell
how you lied to me
made me think everything was well

(bridge)
words fail me sometimes
the music just isn’t there I’m afraid
then I think of you once more
my heart is filled with rage
and I decide to

write a song about you
write a song about you
write a song about you
write a song about you

‘Red Scarf’ — #Lyrics to a #Pop #Rock Song

This is a silly song about Taylor Swift’s virginity or a red scarf. You can take your pick.
Red Scarf
lyrics by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner
Please give credit if you produce or perform.

you took my red scarf
leaving me with knowledge of the tree
it was the cherry on top
to an brief affair
leaving me reaching for a towel
to pat myself down
wondering what happens next
now that you’ve stolen my

red scarf
my prized posession
is now more
never to return
even if it burns
because my love for you
was too strong
I lost my
red scarf
red scarf
red scarf

maybe I’ll write a song
or two about you
doing you
but now I’m free of my youth
ready to set a new path
one with you in the past
but my fans will roar
knowing that you stole my

red scarf
my prized posession
is now more
never to return
even if it burns
because my love for you
was too strong
I lost my
red scarf
red scarf
red scarf

(bridge)
let’s cross that bridge
when we we get to it
I think with a wink
I’m now free without my scarf
free of my innocence
no longer a waif in the woods
afraid of a pang of desire
the I am ready for hire

but my I still don’t have my

red scarf
my prized posession
is now more
never to return
even if it burns
because my love for you
was too strong
I lost my
red scarf
red scarf
red scarf

Tay-Tay: Cut (Or Dye) Your Hair


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The thing about Taylor Swift is, she is in the exact center of our culture. I generally like her newer stuff, but for one thing: it’s grown to be almost entirely fan service. That’s why she keeps churning out albums and, outside of her core group of fans, there’s almost no buzz.

Taylor Swift / Image — the Internet

If Tay-Tay were to do a reveling spread in Maxim (or Rolling Stone) as part of a new album dropping people might sit up and take notice. Or if she cut (or dyed) her hair in conjunction with a new album, then….maybe she would generate more non-female buzz?

I’m not saying such fan service is bad. I’m just saying if Tay-Tay wants to take her career to the next level (read: Hollywood star) she might have to start thinking about risking upsetting her fan base. As it is, there are two people in the public sphere who are obsessed with fan service — Donald Trump and Taylor Swift.

And, really, the only reason why I even say anything about any of this is I saw Tay-Tay on the late night shows promoting her SNL appearance and was taken aback by how drop-dead gorgeous she continues to be. And, yet, she still has the long blonde hair. She was wearing that low cut black dress that seems so popular with female stars these days, which is an improvement from her usual modest school marm attire.

There is going to come a point when Tay-Tay is going to have to shake things up some. She’s going to have to cut her hair, maybe into a pixie? Or, hell, dye her hair jet black? Something, anything to change her Taylor Swift, Age 21 appearance she’s had for what feels like decades now. Now, I know she probably is wearing a wig, but, still. Every other major female vocalist does a radical personal brand shift whenever new music comes out…why not Taylor Swift?

Anyway, absolutely no one listens to me. But I had to get that off my chest. Grow up, Tay-Tay!

Burn Hollywood Burn: I Know Why The Caged Tay-Tay Sings


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Taylor Swift probably has a 30 or so year career ahead of her. She could, in her own way, be as long-lasting as Madonna. But, to paraphrase one of her hits, she is never, ever going to be a Hollywood star.

The reason is simple: she’s never going to allow herself to appeal to men in any traditional manner.

While it sucks in a lot of ways, if Tay-Tay wants to replicate her musical success in Hollywood, she’s going to stop dressing on stage like she’s performing at Branson. Just look at what Dua Lipa and Olivia Rodrigo are wearing on a regular basis then look at the relatively chaste Tay-Tay.

Imagine if Taylor Swift wore this dress!

The question is — does she even want that?

Given her actions of late, I would say while she obviously thinks about going Hollywood, she just can’t bring herself to pull the trigger. She would have to burn her fanbase to the ground if she wanted to make it big in Hollywood. She would have to act like she’s had and liked sex. She would have to start acting like the male gaze wasn’t all that bad, afterall.

I only keep writing about this because there’s something annoying with this situation. You have someone who otherwise could very easily make the transition to the double threat of musician and Hollywood star…and she can’t / won’t do it because to be a Hollywood star she might have to show a lot more skin than she’s currently comfortable doing.

So, in a sense, it would just be too big a risk to destroy her musical fanbase in order to go Hollywood. She may still somehow pull it off, but for the time being it looks like she’s going to be stuck in shitty roles in shitty cat-themed movies.

Shrug. I’m not her audience.

‘Come Play, Tay’ — #lyrics To A #Pop #Rock Song


It’s comical how useless writing these lyrics is. But I honestly do enjoy writing “a poem meant to be sung” really fast. It’s a pleasant little distraction. This one is about the need for Taylor Swift to be a bit more…saucy with her public persona. Enjoy.

Come Play, Tay
lyrics by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner
please give credit if you produce or perform

the water’s warm
of that I have proof
don’t worry if you get wet
we’ll just laugh out loud
you’re a sweet as can be
never been kissed, it seems
you need to come play
enjoy the sun and play

come play, Tay-Tay
come play, Tay-Tay
we’re lying around
in the sun
come play, Tay-Tay
maybe give us a shout

we know you have it in you
we’ve seen the pictures
it’s all true in our hearts
it’s real it’s all real
that you’re friends
are ready to bop about
why don’t you come play, Tay?

come play, Tay-Tay
come play, Tay-Tay
we’re lying around
in the sun
come play, Tay-Tay
maybe give us a shout

(bridge)
but you know your roll
stay in your hole
you’re as successful as can be
no need to listen to a fool
like me, like me

come play, Tay-Tay
come play, Tay-Tay
we’re lying around
in the sun
come play, Tay-Tay
maybe give us a shout