Tag: Millie Bobby Brown

Why Is Everything So Dumb: Is Age Just a Number?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I was browsing Tik-Tok and was pushed a few breathless videos detailing the “very professional” relationship that Millie Bobby Brown had with Henry Cavill on the set of Enola Holmes. One of the videos said it was strange how professional Cavill demanded Brown be with him, while the other one was far more salacious, suggesting the “professional” that Brown kept babbling about was actually a codeword for something far less seemly.

Millie Bobby Brown

You see, there is a LOT of chatter around Cavill when it comes to him dating….uhhhhhh….young women. The rumors are that he’s something of a cradle robber, in fact. Even though Cavill is a massive guy, he is actually a big nerd, playing all sorts of online video games.

Anyway, there is another, far more logical explanation for what was going on between Cavill and Brown — Cavill knew he would be too tempted if he got too friendly with Brown on a personal basis, hence, the demand that they keep things strictly professional.

That makes far more sense that suggesting the opposite.

Another, somewhat similar situation surrounds John Mayer and Mad Men’s Kiernan Shipka of all people. These two are obviously dating and I don’t know what to make of it. On one hand, they’re both adults and on the other hand Shipka is just a baby at around 20 years old.

And, yet, from what I can tell of Shipka she was raised right and it’s not like she didn’t go into this particular situation knowing exactly what she was getting herself into. As such, I find all the alarm over her dating Mayer kind of a lulz. It is unseemly, but…she’s an adult and she apparently likes older dudes.

There is so much worse stuff going on in the world — especially in the celebrity world — that even old gray beards like me can only get so upset if an ingenue wants to bang an older guy. If he makes her happy, then, lulz. Let her sow her wild oats and stop being so jellie.

Millie Bobby Brown & The Creation of Reality

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I used to read the old Gawker religiously and they were always exposing the true marketing origins of viral moments. So, let’s break down why it’s highly likely that Millie Bobby Brown being photographed in pretty much standard issue bikinis were all part of a plan to transition her into adult roles.

Millie Bobby Brown

Before I begin, I would like to note that another person — Taylor Swift — got snapped in a bikini with her boyfriend but the pictures were taken from far away and grainy. Almost as if…Tay-Tay didn’t want the pictures taken.

Ok, Ms. Brown has just turned 18 in February and she’s in this weird era in her career where to date the audience has seen her as a “kid in danger” on Stranger Things. So, Ms. Brown has two routes to shake things up and remind the audience that she’s not a child anymore — run around with no clothes on in a rather shocking manner — the Miley Cyrus Option, if you will, or do what she did “accidently on purpose” get snapped in “a bikini.”

She’s a public figure — just to go outside in just a standard issue bikini probably involved a “team” meeting unto itself. Or not, she may have just had a brief chat with her folks. Anyway, no way she would go on a boat with her boyfriend so close to shore that it was easy to get clear shots of her without her thinking way in advance that this very thing would happen.

The only reason why I mention any of this again is I got a surprising number of pings from exotic locals (probably entertainment people on vacation) and this whole thing taps into my personal annoyance with how much of what we call “reality” is actually constructed. Or, if not constructed, at least “managed.”

And I’m not suggesting anything too sinister. And I know all about how MAGA New Right people are always flipping out about the “media narrative.” Anyway, the point is — a lot of the modern world is managed by PR people who know that most people don’t have the time to think through where a viral moment may have really come from.

I’m Impressed With Millie Bobby Brown’s Personal Brand Management

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I don’t think I’m being too jaded to point out that all these pictures we’re seeing of Millie Bobby Brown on vacation in rather modest bikinis is part of her soft transition to adult hood. Unlike many young starlets who freaked the fuck out once they were 18, she’s figured out a way to change people’s perception of her while simply wearing bikinis.

Millie Bobby Brown

She must have known the paps would take pictures of her and, as such, she wore the bikinis she wore simply to get adults to think of her as, well, an adult. Now that everyone has seen her in a bikini, casting directors are probably going to be a lot more open to putting her in more mature roles.

Which, of course, makes me think of Taylor Swift and how she HASN’T managed herself as well. While she’s occasionally wore more provocative clothing, Tay-Tay showing some T&A for a movie role would make her fanbase melt down into hysterics. Even though both she and they are no longer children anymore. Hollywood is an industry and, as such, if Tay-Tay wants bigger mainstream roles, she might have to – gasp — show a little bit more skin than her fanbase is accustomed to seeing.

But back to Ms. Brown.

She has excellent management, is all I gotta say. She’s always worn more adult clothing — sometimes to the point that I have found myself cringing — and now she’s very much in the position to become just another big name Hollywood star without going through that weird transitional phase that has haunted other young starlets.

Movie Pitch: Margot Robbie Should Produce A Reboot Of ‘Picnic At Hanging Rock’ Staring Millie Bobby Brown


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Hollywood is completely devoid of new ideas. Why not at least reboot interesting concepts instead of, say, “Car 54, Where Are You?” Accordingly, one of the best Australian movies of the last 50 years is “Picnic At Hanging Rock.” It has a mysterious, ethereal quality to it. Given what it deals with — the mysterious disappearance of a bunch of young Commonwealth girls, it seems a perfect fit for Margot Robbie to do something with in conjunction with Millie Bobby Brown.

It would be a perfect chance for Miss Brown, Ms. Robbie and a bunch of other Commonwealth actors to gnaw on the scenery for about two hours. It’s a much beloved movie Down Under and so it seems a logical choice for Ms. Robbie.

But what do I know.

Predictions Of The Near Future


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Here are some predictions made from things we know are true now and then projecting their logical conclusion into the future.

  1. Kanye West As Jim Jones
    As some point in the near future, Kanye West is going to finally go completely bonkers in a destructive way. He already has all the elements of a cult leader and it makes sense that in the near future, he will finally jump into the void. So, the first step is he might establish some sort of compound for his followers. Then, next thing you know, a lot of people endup dead. A side prediction is things grow REALLY weird and Kanye slams into Qanon and, well, lulz.
  2. Millie Bobby Brown — 14 going on 24
    I’m a fan of Miss Brown, but she’s only 14 or so now. She really, really wants to be an adult. On one level, it’s inspiring to young girls and on the other, it’s really fucking dark. I don’t know when it will actually happen or how, but Miss Brown is just a girl and she’s hanging out with a bunch of horny adults — to the point of getting a “producer” credit — and human nature being what it is, I fear a tragedy of some sort may occur. It may come out 20 years from now in a tell-all memoir, but it WILL come out. As Drew Barrymore can attest — Hollywood is a cruel mistress to young children and some pretty fucked up things are bound to happen involving Miss Brown. But, lulz, it’s not like I can do anything about it.
  3. Trump “Wins” The 2020 Election
    This is an easy one. Trump is absolutely going to win, or maybe “not lose” is better, the 2020 Election. Don’t know the details, but all I know is come Jan 20th, 2021, he’s getting sworn in and that’s that. If that doesn’t happen, then there will be severe political violence in the United States, to the point that it’s marketed in the press as “the Second American Civil War.”
  4. The United States Will Leave NATO, Allies With Russia
    Connected to the above prediction, the United States is going to leave NATO and form an alliance with Russia. As part of this, Trumplandia will make an aggressive move to pull out all of our troops from all over the globe. China will rise to superpower status and the United States will implode into little more than a mixture of a first world Venezuela mixed with Apartheid South Africa and Russia.
  5. Constitutional Convention
    At some point in the near future, House Trump will codify Trumplandia and demand a Constitutional Convention. By this point, the press will have been purged and so, lulz, fuck you. A doublespeak “Second Bill of Rights” will be pushed through and Trump will be free to stay in office for the rest of his life. At some point, we’ll simply get used to a Trump being POTUS or Veep as a way of life. This will continue for about 40 years until the dead hand of demographics makes it untenable.
  6. Qanon As American Khmer Rouge
    At some point in the near future, Qanon and MAGA will fuse so absolutely that even otherwise “normal” people will have Qanon talking points at the ready. This may lead to a House Trump actively encouraging Qanon people to murder liberals in cold blood. House Trump may not actively participate, but once the press is nothing but OANN, they can simply look on as crazed, bloodthirsty Qanon people attempt to empty the cities and fill American Killing Fields with the bodies of liberals. This is kind of extreme to suggest it might happen, but the conditions for it to happen definitely will be there soon enough.