‘The Tank’ & Me


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

These days, I have the fashion industry on the brain because I’m allowing myself to be delusional enough to think I can actually break into it before I drop dead. This is a dubious proposition, at best, but thinking about it all the the time improves my serotonin levels a great deal.

Anyway, either you keep reading aware of the ” ” over all of this, or you take it too seriously and we can’t be friends. With that said — I wonder if I could outdrink Kate Moss.

Kate Moss, supermodel, tank.

Ms. Moss is almost exactly my age and, apparently her nickname is “The Tank” for the amount of drugs and booze she’s able to consume. I don’t do drugs — at all — but I do enjoy drinking a lot. Given the rather astonishing stories about her voracious ability to do various drugs, I doubt I could party with her big dogs. And, yet, I think it’s at least possible under very specific circumstances that I might be able to keep up.

I think if we were eating — say, Korean BBQ (galbi) — and drinking soju, we might be able to go shot-for-shot for a while. Given how much rye I drink on a consistent basis, she and I could probably down five or six bottles of soju apiece before things grew wobbly (for me.)

My ability to drink huge sums of booze is so uneven, however, that she might drink me under the table far sooner than I would prefer. But there is chance I could keep up with her. Or, I would just bow out once she and her friends turned to something a bit more…serious.

If nothing else, she would have a good time with me. Soju is like speed for me and it exaggerates my already colorful personality to such an extent that I can be quite memorable. I know, I know, all drunks say that.

Anyway, all of that is just a daydream. I’m a nobody in a flyover state at the moment. Pay me no mind.