Tag: Fuck Ron DeSantis

Of Course

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Now, let me be clear — I’m notorious for taking a little bit of information and running with it. But there is, at least, a scenario whereby Saturday Night Live uses the “hook” of how fucking cold it was in Iowa for the caucuses to have a sketch with Unfrozen Caveman Governor Ron DeSantis.

Makes sense to me, at least. I don’t quite know what I would do if something I predicted actually happened for once. I might faint from excitement and joy.

But I’m really, really grasping at straws on this one. I’m know to make shit up. I suppose only time will tell, huh.

I would get a woman cast member to play “Tiny-D” in caveman make up, given how short he is, relative to how tall he should be to run for POTUS.

Is Unfrozen Caveman Governor Ron DeSantis Going To Drop Out?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

As of right now, it seems as though Ron “I’m just waiting for bad to happen to Trump” DeSantis is in it to win it. Not that he will. It’s all very curious. He’s just not very good at retail politics.

But it will be interesting to see what happens next. I think, for the moment, he’s going to linger until he is defeated in South Carolina, then he will pull the plug. So, I suppose we have a few more weeks or months of him pretending he has a chance at winning.

My Pitch For An Unfrozen Caveman Governor Sketch

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

This is just me being silly. But, in general, I would replace the court room of the Phil Hartman Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer sketches with an Iowa / New Hampshire Town Hall.

Ron DeSantis

Then, the joke of the SNL sketch would be that Ron DeSantis’ actual policy agenda is so dumb and conservative that it’s what you might think of someone frozen during an Ice Age.

I, for one, think that’s hilarious.

Well, That’s Curious

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m obsessed with my Webstats. And today was curious because one specific blog post on this blog about Ron DeSantis got a huge amount of hits — like 10 or so. Given that, like, this blog on any given day gets about 20 or 30 hits a day that’s a big deal.

Given the subject matter, there are a few possibilities.

SNL
It’s at least possible that my link between Ron DeSantis and SNL’s Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer and this weekend they’re going to do a sketch about him that involves Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.
He’s About To Drop Out
This could mean that his staff knows he’s going to drop out and they read the blog post about how much he sucks. Or something.

Imagining a SNL ‘Unfrozen Caveman Governor’ Sketch

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

It is self-evident how much Ron DeSantis looks like the late Phil Hartman’s classic character Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. This, of course, gets me thinking about how SNL might bring back the character this fall (whenever the writers’ and actors’ strikes end.)

You open with the same opening as the original sketch, only it instead of him being a lawyer, he’s governor of Florida. You have him making a campaign speech where he talks about the “woke mind virus” and how it’s as powerful as the mastodons he had to hunt 10,000 years ago. Or something, something like that.

I would really lean into the idea that he’s “caveman conservative” and that reflects in his policy ideas. Extra points if you can somehow shoehorn those type of ideas into what DeSantis actually believes.

The inciting incident of the sketch would be him ending his speech and him walking around talking to different people. One of them might be Donald Trump and they trade barbs or something.

Another way you might do it is as a recorded campaign ad whereby Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer goes through the benefits of having a president that was born 10,000 years ago.

When It Comes To The Constitution & Trump’s Potential Extradition, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer Ron DeSantis Is A Craven Moron

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Nothing sums up how dangerous idiot Ron “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer” DeSantis is than the following tweet:

The reason why this is so dangerous is the type of mentality it indicates. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer knows damn well that the Constitution is very explicit that a govenor can do jackshit to stop a criminal being extradited to another state.

And, yet, he says it anyway.

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer loves, loves, loves to, like Trump, stress test the system to see what he can get away with. So, God forbid, Trump decides to hunker down in Mar-a-Lago after giving the issue some though, DeSantis could very well be put in a position where he is forced to lose face AGAIN when the Federal government swoops in and handles extradition itself.

But it’s clear that if Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer becomes POTUS, he will be America’s Putin. I’m beginning to think, however, that he’s going to hold off running until 2028. Even though if Trump wins in 2024, DeSantis may be president of just the Red States, given how we’re careening towards a very, very dark future in late 2024, early 2025.

How Tall Is Ron DeSantis?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I have no idea, for sure, how tall Ron DeSantis is. I have a few leads, but, oddly enough the last time I checked a few days ago, Wikipedia does NOT say how tall he is.

This leads me to believe that there may be an active campaign on the part of his would-be presidential campaign staff to obscure how tall he is. Here’s what I know:

And yet, if this is the case, how come Wikipedia doesn’t have his height? This leads me to believe that maybe however tall DeSantis is, he’s short enough that he doesn’t want anyone to know.

Or, if you want to get all paranoid about it, you could even go so far as to say that this is a ping from a future where DeSantis is POTUS and, well, lulz, America has become a Russia clone.

Speaking of Russia — Putin is pretty short, too, and that hasn’t stopped him from being Russia’s president for close to 30 years. And, what’s even more amusing — it’s not so much DeSantis’ height that I would be worried about so much as his weasley voice.

His voice is really, really fucking annoying. And, yet, even with him being short and having an annoying voice, non-Trump MAGA cocksuckers are so in love with the “idea” of DeSantis that he could very well be the next POTUS.

Is 2023 a New 1788?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

As I grow more and more alarmed about what is going to happen in late 2024, early 2025, I think I’m going to add more books about the French Revolution to books that I buy then wait years to read.

It seems to me that because of income inequality, the United States may burst into civil war and revolution as part of the 2024 presidential cycle. And, honestly, sometimes I think it’s just a matter if its Blues or Reds who are going to be the ones who get fed up and bolt the Union. (Spoiler Alert: it will probably be Blues.)

But the United States is so huge, diverse and powerful that if we collapse into civil war and or revolution, it will one of the biggest events not just in American history — but human history. The only thing I can compare it to would be the 1789 – 1799 French Revolution combined with the American Civil War.

The world really will be turned upside down if the United States should buckle – it probably would prompted WW3. The entire global order would be thrown up in the air until everything was sorted out one way or another. And just because Blues might leave the Union to start their own center-Left nation doesn’t mean that there wouldn’t be mission creep and, ultimately, there would be a global conflagration that would totally re-arrange the entire global framework.

But, before I go down that hysterical path TOO much, remember — I’m always wrong. I think, in the end, that DeSantis will be elected and initially, any changes in the United States will be rather subtle. It won’t be until 20 years of DeSantis consolidating power that we’ll endup invading Canada to overthrow the “woke cancel culture mob” there.

Or, put another way — I’m probably full of shit and why are you even listening to me at all? Wink.

‘Cry, The Beloved Country’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Well, it’s time for me to redouble my reading about the rise of the Nazis in Germany. My Traditionalist relatives — who I love dearly — totally lulzed the idea it’s possible my fears about bloggers such as myself being forced to register with the government.

So, I think my alarm over MAGA being American Nazism is valid. I’ve found myself reading a lot more about history — especially the Nazis — and Great Men. I need to understand how to live through what could be Very Interesting Times starting sometime between now and, say, spring 2025.

What do I think is going to happen?

I honestly don’t know. Maybe nothing is going to happen. I’m always wrong, afterall.

But the idea that my conservative relatives would not realize that I, personally, could run afoul of our new American Autocrat, whomever that may be. I’ve long suggested that my Traditionalist relatives have one Red Line — ME.

And, yet, given how much they are lulzing the prospect of me NOT being a Good German ike them, I definitely seems like I may be on my own when the crisis strikes.

I have to prepare myself for either going underground once we’re an autocracy, or I’m going to become a domestic political refugee. If it’s the latter, then, I suppose it’s possible that I might be able to make a name for myself within Blue ranks.

That sounds rather delusional at this point, but in times of civil war and revolution, strange, unexpected things are known to happen.

Fuck Florida & Ron DeSantis: Slouching Towards Autocracy

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m well aware that just because a state lawmaker thinks up a bill, doesn’t mean it will ever become law. But given how of American politics runs on “vibes” these days, I think it’s only fair that I can grow alarmed about the following bill proposed in the Florida legislature.

If this bill became law, then bloggers who wrote about state officials would have to register with the government. It’s not so much the law itself as the mentality behind it that alarms me. It definitely gives us some sense of how much MAGA loves autocracy and if Florida Governor Ron DeSantis becomes POTUS, there’s every reason to believe he will be receptive to some sort of law similar to this on the national level.

He’ll rationalize it somehow, but somehow, someway, it’s possible that at some point starting in 2025, bloggers like me will have to register with the government.

I am not going to do this, whatever the consequences.

I’m prepared to go to jail. Be sent to a camp. Whatever. I. Am. Not. Going. To. Abide. By. A. Law. Like. This.

Whatever the consequences.