Tag: expat life

The Tell-Tale (Former) Expat

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I left South Korea a long, long time ago. There are young children nearly about to drive who were born around the time I left Seoul the last time. And, yet, South Korea can be something of a blackhole in the sense that once you pass its Event Horizon, you never really can ever leave.

Back hen I was fab in Seoul.

Now, let me be clear — I have a hyperactive imagination and I often spin some pretty wild tales from very, very little information. So, when I saw that I appeared in three searches on LinkedIn and one of them was from someone with the Korea Joongang Daily, I immediately thought the absolute worst. And by absolute worst, I mean maybe some sort of expose on me being a crazed drunk asshole when I was still in Seoul. Or something equally ominous.

I was kind of a huge drunk asshole for much of my time in South Korea and while I didn’t do anything that bad, I definitely did a few things that probably would get me “canceled” if, for some reason, I became a public figure.

I’m a very different person than I was when I was in South Korea. I have a lot more humility and, in some respects, it’s like I have had a brain transplant. But in this hypersensitive world, where apparently everything you’ve done in your entire life can be held against you until you die…well, you know. I can be a severely flawed person and times and being “pickled” in South Korea only aggravated that particular situation.

But I have a lot of wisdom now. There’s not much I can do about who I was nearly 20 years ago. You just try to be the best person you can be now.

Some other interesting things — another person to search for my name in the last week was an “author.” It makes me wonder if maybe my qusi-defense of J.K. Rowling maybe caught the attention of her — or someone like her. And, lastly, one of the pictures Google references in its Image Search for me is DEFINITELY NOT ME. I have retweeted too many of the guys sexxy pictures on Twitter, and the algorithm decided that the two of us looked enough alike to use his picture with my name. Ugh.

Everything is horrible.

Unpacking An Amusing Dream About Supermodel Gigi Hadid

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I don’t know what came over me this evening during a nap, but I had a very amusing dream about supermodel Gigi Hadid. In the dream, I was back in Seoul at a party somewhere and she stood right in front of me, really close. I tried to get her to go on a date with me, to no success. (Even in my dreams, I can’t score.)

The late Annie Shapiro with me back when I was occasionally a stud in Seoul.

But for a moment, I was happy.

I was happy because I was back in Seoul and something of note was happening to me. Everyday living in South Korea was an adventure for various reasons. I ran into all kinds of interesting — and sometimes famous — people while in South Korea.

Yet all of that was a long, long time ago. Even if I could magically go back to South Korea — or, move to NYC or LA — I wouldn’t be young. The entire context would be different. If I tried to date someone as young as I feel, then I would be seen like Dane Cook – a creepy older dude dating someone way, way, way too young for me.

I hate being old.

Whenever People From South Korea Look At This Blog, I Get Nervous

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Ugh. Whenever random hits from South Korea pop up in my Webstats I get nervous. I was a wild animal in South Korea and I did some things I regret. Nothing too bad, but bad enough to give me pause for thought when they come rushing into my mind as I try to get to sleep.

All of that was a long, long time ago. And I’ve changed. I really have. I’m not saying I’m not still larger-than-life and eccentric at times — I definitely am still all that — but I’m far more wise than I once was. And I don’t drink nearly as much as I used to and when I do drink, I don’t drink so much that I’m “pickled.”

As I’ve written before, I only even think about any of this because I worry that should I ever find any success that I’m going to have some unexpected ghosts from my past pop up. But as I like to say, you have to make decisions on what you do know, not on what you don’t know.

So, it’s definitely possible that I will be “canceled” as soon as I find any successful, but it’s also possible that…maybe I’m overthinking things? Most of my bad behavior in the past was nearly 20 years ago and was the result of drinking too much.

It’s like I’ve had a brain transplant — I’m a far better, far wiser person than I once was. I just hope I’m forgiven.

Is It Possible People In Seoul Are Still Talking About Me?


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Last night, as I was falling to sleep, I found myself thinking about South Korea yet again. I don’t how it’s ever going to happen, but I vow to myself to return to my old Asian stomping grounds before I drop dead.

The late Annie Shapiro and me way back when.

Well, today I was looking at my Webstats and, lo and behold, someone from Seoul looked at this site. I have no idea why, or who, but it is interesting that they did so. And, given that they accessed the site from a messaging app, it seems as though I might have been the subject of conversation between two people and a link to this site was sent as part of it.

I honestly don’t know what to make to make of this.

I’m not a perfect person. And at the height of my emotional war against the late Annie Shapiro, I lived a rather outrageous life. It got so bad, in fact, that they put me in a book about crazy expats.

One thing I do occasionally think about is how all those Korean kids that I taught over the years remember me. I was a pretty weird (and bad) teacher. I wonder if they ever remember what a kook I was in class and if they ever talk to their fellow hagwan students about me.

I suppose it’s human nature for that type of thing to happen. And the older they get, the more they may think about me. I was — an am — a pretty unique individual.

Anyway. Not much I can do about it. I do, however, hope and intend to return to Asia at some point in the reasonably near future.

The Possibility Of Seoul Expat Life Interpolation In ‘I Want You Back’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I am so spooked by the publicity stills from the upcoming romcom “I Want You Back” that I’m beginning to think that either one of the screenwriters or one of the producers was, at some point, an expat in Seoul.

The only reason why this isn’t Nori’s women’s bathroom is the real Nori’s women’s bathroom has just one room and is across from an even more gross men’s bathroom.

And maybe even was a regular at Nori Bar in Sinchon where I used to DJ. This is both cool and rattling. It’s cool because expats in South Korea represent! It’s rattling because I’m doing a huge amount of similar interpolation in these five novels I’m working. (That no one in my family cares about.)

It’s one of those things where it’s not like I have a monopoly on the expat experience. And it’s getting pretty damn close to being 20 years since I got to South Korea the first time in 2004. So, I just have to accept that someone had the same I idea I had, in a vague way.

But as anyone who’s ever been an expat in South Korea can tell you — the place is a goldmine of creativity and human drama.

Angst For The Memories — What Do My English Students In Korea Remember of Me?


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The thing about teaching English in South Korea is you’re thrown into the development of young children who find you just as alien as you find them. And at the time I was teaching English in South Korea way back when, I was kind of burning my candle on both ends.

My fear is at some point in the future, one of my students will track me down as an adult and want to catch up or something. While that would be flattering, it would also force me to address how maybe I wasn’t the best teacher (I wasn’t, I sucked.)

I was such a doofus.

But that hasn’t happened yet and maybe it never will. This website will, on occasion, get random pings from Seoul which makes me wonder if there’s some sort of discussion about me taking place there still. I was lit back in the day. I was so nuts when I was in Seoul I got put in a book about crazy expats!

I’m so different than that now, however. I’m far more laid back and relaxed than I was back then. It helps that I don’t have access to cheap soju like I did back then.

But I do plan on going back to Seoul and other parts of Asia briefly before I drop dead. At some point in the future, I would like to go to Japan, South Korea and Southeast Asia one last time before coming home and preparing to shuffle off this mortal coil.

A Return To South Korea


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

On or about July 24, 2004, I arrived in South Korea for the first time. I was a down on my luck drunk American at the time. Little did I know the adventures that would await me.

It’s fast approaching 20 years since that fateful day, and I find myself wanting to return to South Korea (specifically Incheon, Seoul and Busan) one last time before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

While I think I can pull it off, the whole issue of when it might happen is still very much up in the air. I’d like to do it in 2024 as close to 20 years to the date as I could get, but that’s highly unlikely. More likely, I’ll be happy if I can accomplish this goal a few years on either side of the exact anniversary.

My favorite ROKon Magazine cover.

If I did do such a trip, it would be part of a Japan – ROK – Southeast Asia trip of about two weeks. Now, one issue I’m well aware of is there both a lot of love and a lot of hate for me floating around Asia, even to this day. For every person who would flip out seeing me for a good reason, there would likely be two or three who would do the same but out of anger.

I was a very interesting person in Asia.

Anyway, it’s all very up in the air. I just have a general desire to return one last time to my old stomping grounds in South Korea. I’ve changed a lot — a whole lot — and know that but for the mutual distaste between myself and little Korean kids, I would still be there.

Sometime in 2004.

But there is always the very small chance that I will sell these four novels I’m working on and will make enough money that way that going to Asia won’t be that big a deal anymore for me. That, of course, is at the moment just another instance of me being very, very, VERY delusional.

One man’s hope is another man’s delusion.

Seoul On My Mind


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I was in South Korea for about five years total. It was a very unique situation for a number of reasons. I grew up a lot while I lived in Asia and it was there that I fully began to understand how creative I am.

But one thing they don’t tell you about living in South Korea as an expat is there is something akin to an Event Horizon. If you become a long-term expat (longer than, say 1 year) you never really ever leave the country. There comes a point when some how, some way you’ll continue to get the occasional ping from South Korea to remind you that you can never, ever really leave.

One reason this has happened to me now and again many years after I left South Korea is I was definitely a larger-than-life character within the Seoul expat scene. Add to this the fact that the Seoul expat scene tends to strip mine any creative ability you have and you have a recipe for me being remembered long after I physically left.

Every once in a while, I wonder if any of the many young Koreans I taught English to over the years will ever try to look me up as adults. That is going to be very surreal if it ever happens. Existential, even.

Having said all that, I have a general inclination to return to Asia one more time for a few weeks before I drop dead. It would be fun to simply show up in Seoul and see if anyone noticed — and what their reaction would be. Almost all the long-term expats I knew are long gone, but I’m sure there are a few extreme long-term expats who would remember me, not to mention the odd Korean here or there.

But all of that was long time ago. I’m not the person I once was. I have a lot more wisdom and humility, for starters. And I’m also well aware that I have Romanticized my time in South Korea and it’s come to represent my lost youth. Yet, that’s life, I guess.

I will be interesting to see if I ever get the chance to return.

My Experiences In Seoul, My Novel & ‘Write What You Know’


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The expat scene in Seoul — at least when I was there — was an overheated caldron of creativity. And there were a lot — and I mean A LOT — of freaky weirdos running around. Myself included.

So many larger-than-life characters were roaming around that I often would look at one of them and say to their face, “You’re like a character in a novel.” Little did I know that many moons later I would make them characters in MY novel.

But here I am.

I find myself leaning into what I remember of those freaky expats as I develop characters in the latest version of this novel. My memory of those people is so vivid that when I find myself struggling to think up some colorful aspect of this or that character I just say, “Well, do I remember any expats in Seoul that would fit that bill?”

I’ve come up with a pretty direct way of being able to use these characters as well. One of the unique things about being an expat in South Korea is you’re always one disaster away from being kicked out of the country for good.

Anyway. Things are moving really fast with my revised vision for this story where it’s split into two novels, one story. Right now, I need to do a lot of reading and distract myself in some way so I can figure out how to fill up the second half of the second act before the sun goes dark.

‘The Company’ & My Wild Days In Seoul



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

This is an instance of me either being extremely delusional (which is very possible) or sensing something that is true. Way back when, when I was living in Seoul, I was a man on fire. I was EXTREMELY CONSPICUOUS. So much so, that it’s probably reasonably likely that…uhhh…some spooks…in Seoul probably at least were aware of me.

I say this only because given where it is, it seems reasonable to assume that Seoul is crawling with spooks. Like a whole lot. And when I was there, there was a huge fucking military base in the middle of the city. And I was frequenting places like Haebangchon that probably had some military intelligence people living there. (At least in my fevered imagination about a decade later.)

Anyway, the only reason I bring his somewhat (ok, maybe a lot) bonkers idea up is I keep getting the occasional ping in my Webstats from people looking at this Website from Seoul. It makes no sense. None. I haven’t been in Seoul for about a decade now and, so, what? Why? I have been talking to the FBI for the novel and I even went so far as to mention “The Company” to the FBI PR guy.

I dunno. Just seems logical that some long-term spooky people in Seoul might have gotten wind of what I’m up to and thought they would take a look at my Website to see what was up.

I don’t think you can fully appreciate how insanely conspicuous I was in Seoul at my “height.” I was so balls out nuts someone even put me in a book about crazy expats.

All I can say is, I’m a changed man. I’ve learned humility.