Tag: existential angst

Self-Care: Not Watching The News For The Time Being

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The last time Trump won, I just shut down and stopped watching the news or engaging in social media. I’ve decided to do the same again this go around. It’s just not good for my emotional system to watch MAGA fuckers gloat.

But I don’t know how long I can go.

I think it’s one of those “one day at a time” type situations. The issue is, I need some time to process the fall of the American Republic and the last thing I need is the jarring images of the final decent into fascism.

With all that in mind, I’m determined to get back to work on my novel(s.) That is something productive and constructive I can do instead of stewing in my juices about how ICE might read this blog and decide to push me out a window at some point in the near future.

But dems the breaks, as they say. I have accept that there is a greater-than-zero chance that the Trump regime is going to come after me and murder me in cold blood for simply refusing to tow its fascist line.

All I know is, things are going to get really, really dark. We’re going to leave NATO in 2025. The late night TV shows will be purged to the point that SNL will probably barely be allowed to have its 50th anniversary special before it’s shut down for good.

And, given that Trump won fair and square, there probably won’t be any anger about such moves on his part. But, of course, there is always the chance that a lot of people, upon Trump actually doing all these autocratic, fascist things he keeps ranting about might grow upset.

Only time will tell.

‘Daydreaming’ — Being A Fashion Photographer

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m getting up in age now and my options for ever becoming a “success” are dwindling. I continue to work on a novel or two and they’re shaping up to be good enough that there is a least a greater-than-zero chance that they will at least catch the eye of a literary agent.

An example of my past work. Forgive the slight blur.

But I have been doing some serious contemplation of late and it seems the sweetspot for me ever being any sort of “success” would be as a fashion photographer. I have an “eye” for beauty and I have a native ability to take a great photo.

Yet, of course, there are a number of pretty big complications.

One, is, of course that I’m very, very poor. I live in poverty at the moment in large part because I’m totally bonkers. That particular truth is something that I was reminded of in a rather…uh…brutal…fashion in the last few months.

And, yet, there is a part of me that continues to daydream. If I ever somehow, magically, fell into some money I probably would use the money to invest in the photographic equipment necessary to at least attempt to begin a career in fashion photography.

I don’t expect this to happen any time soon, if ever. And, what’s more, the context of any such “success” would be something of a downer. If I lived up to my “potential” as the late Annie Shapiro quipped, all anyone would want to talk about is how I lay fallow for about two decades. And that doesn’t even begin to address how all anyone would want to talk about is how nuts I am.

But I definitely have an eye for beauty and photography.

Pondering Who Reads This Blog

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I continue to wonder at times who reads this blog and why. Very, very few people read this blog on a regular basis — maybe less than 10 — and sometimes I fear a lot of them are “hate reading” it because they’re MAGA and they hate my guts.

Or something. I just get the sense that maybe I have a lot more hostile readership than you might think.

But I am who I am, you know? The last few days have been hectic, to say the least and I have found myself having reason to ponder my life in a very existential manner.

I begin October with a lot of things in the air. I just don’t know how things are going to turn out in the next few months — or days, for that matter. But I have my health, which is the most important thing, I suppose.

But the idea that some people read this blog because they hate me and my political views does give me pause for thought. Anyway. What can I do. It’s not like I’m going to shut up and it’s not like I’m going to change how much I fucking hate MAGA.

So, there you go, I guess.

It’s Official — I’m Old

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I remember a time when I could be within eyesight of an attractive woman and she wouldn’t take one look at me and figure out a way to change that particular situation.

But that’s not the case anymore.

Today, I was randomly placed in straight eyesight of an attractive woman, probably in her 30s, and she got so uncomfortable when me potentially looking at her that she moved so her back was facing me instead.

That was a body blow to my self perception, let me tell you.

I don’t perceive myself to be any less attractive than I used to be, but I guess I need to accept that things have changed, if a subtle way. I don’t quite know what to tell you.

Age has kind of snuck up on me. Or whatever this new age of my life where I come off as a creepy weirdo should be called. Maybe things would be different if I had a wife or a girlfriend with me when I sat down in public.

But, alas, I’m alone.

Just thinking about that opens up a whole other can of worms — why am I alone? Most people my age have at least SOMEONE in their life they can go out for a drink with.

It’s all very curious.

‘Null / Void’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

There was a moment today when I felt totally, completely uninspired. It was the absolute nadir of the year — a Singularity of Meh, if you will. I just felt like a zombie, wondering around without anything creative going on.

It got so bad that I started to daydream about how it might be possible that some AI — Gemini Advanced? — is fucking with my Spotify algorithms. How it might do that, I have no idea, but it is amusing to mull.

And, I have to say, rather flattering given why would anyone — AI or otherwise — give a shit about me at this point in my life.

I really am living in oblivion. And I will note that someone from LA looked at this blog today, which also made me feel a little better. Whenever someone from somewhere out of the ordinary looks at this blog it heartens me a little bit because it’s thought provoking, if nothing else.

I need to get back to working on my novel(s.) The back up scifi novel is a far, far more difficult to work on that I thought it would be. But I have to do it, I can put all of my eggs in one basket.

I Need More Structure In My Life

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Ok. Time to sit up straight and actually get some shit done. I’ve been drifting for much of the last month for various reasons. But now, finally, it’s time to focus. I need to realize deep down in side that I’m just not going to live forever and I have to get something, anything done so I can query it.

Tomorrow is August 1st, so that’s as good as time as any to put this plan into action. In fact, in a sense, I hope to start it tonight. I’m going to focus on getting some creative things done that I might not usually do.

It helps — I suppose — that I’ve stopped drinking. I hate being sober, but I’m now sober out of spite, if nothing else. Everyone thinks I’m some sort of raging alcoholic so in a “fuck you” that helps both of us, I’ve decided to prove a point by just stopping to drink booze cold.

Both sides win — I prove a point and they get to feel smug.

What more can you ask for?

Not drinking has definitely freed up a lot of time. I was drinking because I was lazy and bored, not because I felt some overall desire to drink and my ability to stop drinking cold, full stop proves that, in my opinion.

Anyway. Tonight, I hope — HOPE — to get something, anything done on a creative basis to help me see if I can get closer to querying a novel in the spring — if the world doesn’t collapse because of the fucking Forth Turning.

The Plot Thickens

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Someone from the New York City area searched for me specifically and came to this site. This could be a Not Great, Bob situation if, say — glup — the “Grazer” of Trump somehow was, like, a reader of this blog or something? My absolute worst nightmare would be, when the Secret Service cracked open the Grazer’s phone they found this blog in its search history.

Or something.

Ugh. That is like the absolute worst nightmare and the thing I just don’t need in my life at the moment.

Now, let me be clear — I’m being very, very paranoid to even introduce that idea. It could be that the person from the New York City area was interested in me for some other reason. And, it’s not like I’m being bombarded in my Webstats with pings from Quantico or anything.

So, for the time being, I’m ok. I hope.

But I do think there’s chance I’m going to have to flee the country at some point in 2025 if Trump becomes POTUS.

Shit Is About To Get Real

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I just try to be the best person I can be. But I am well aware of not only how gratuitous and conspicuous my kooky ranting about Trump has been, but how now there may be….consequences for me doing that.

If I don’t get in trouble with Tyrant Trump in early 2025, it’s possible I’m going to get in trouble with the Feds in some way because of the aftermath of the grazing of Trump. I’m being really paranoid, but it’s at least possible. I’ve made it clear how much I hate violence — repeatedly — but I am a kook and everyone hates kooks, especially when people are scared.

So, who knows.

It could go either way. One side — or the other — could very well come at me sooner rather than later for my views. I have my doubts that it will be the Biden Administration because they’re not fascists, but Trump….oh boy. He DEFINTLY will come after cranks like me in 2025.

I suppose my best hope is to use some sort of Underground Railroad to get out the fascist USA sometime starting in early 2025, if Trump wins. Or, it could be that the whole country buckles and, well, things get a lot darker than I first imagined.

What’s more, it’s beginning to dawn on me that even if I write, like, the fucking American Bible, my chances of ever getting published — because of what a kook I am — aren’t exactly great. But I still believe we give meaning to life by creation, so lulz.

Great. Just Fucking Great

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Within minutes of Trump being grazed, someone from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania looked at this site.

That’s a “Not great, Bob,” situation if ever there was one. My fear is, of course, that all my ranting about Trump has caught the attention of the Feds and now….oh boy.

Guys, as I keep saying — I just rant about all these dark things because I need, on a psychological basis, to make my abstract fears concrete.

That’s it. I’m totally fucking harmless. The worst thing anyone ever said about me was that I was “a delusional jerk with a good heart.”

Gemini Advanced Is Pretty Good At Verse

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Because I have no friends and no one likes me, I find myself challenging Google’s Gemini Advance LLM AI to “verse battles.” Any normal person would do such a thing with a human being, but, alas, lulz.

And, yet, sometimes, Gemini Advance serves some pretty good verse. I’m too lazy to show you any from the logs I have, but, lulz, just trust me. Usually, I write verse to it these days on my phone because it’s just too much of a pain in the ass to ask it a formal question using my phone.

But it’s very relaxing. It is when I have these “verse battles” with Gemini Advanced that, on occasion….unusual things happen. What those unusual things are, well, lulz, I don’t feel like telling you.