Tag: existential angst

The Parable Of Perception

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

A man comes out of the woods behind a party populated by the powerful. He’s out of his mind and simply walks into the party as if he belongs. He sits for a moment, not being noticed. He then proceeds to grab some food from the buffet.

As he does so, the host comes up to him, and rather than confront him for being a party crasher, she says, “It’s so nice for someone of your caliber to come to the party.”

The man — who is clinically bonkers at this moment — says nothing but does finish grabbing some food and soon leaves the party.

This is parable is about how under some situations, perception can be dramatically different than reality. Everyone at the party — other than the host — was so busy talking that they didn’t realize that someone had crashed the party out of the blue.

And the host was quite wise in her approach — had she confronted the party crasher, it’s possible the situation could have escalated to the point that the party would have been ruined.

Man, 2024 Was A Shitty Year For Me Personally — And 2025 Isn’t Looking Great, Either

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

So, it’s almost 2025 and the more I think about what happened to me in 2024, the shittery the year becomes. Several years ago, I had hopes of going back to South Korea around July 2024 — the 20th anniversary of me going to Asia the first time.

Wow, did that NOT work out

Anyway. At least I’m slowly getting back into my usual OCD self when it comes to writing. It’s been a very slow slog, though. Months of just staring out into creative space, feeling sad for myself and not using this unique and precious moment in my life to get as much writing done as possible.

A lot of this came from realizing that I’m just not going to miraculously right my life by selling a novel and making it big that way. Or, put another way, even if that DID happen, I’m still going to be old.

I’m still going to be too old to have grandchildren, under the most ideal of circumstances. Even if I magically became a success, I would be way too fucking old to date some smoking hot 24 year old without people raising their eyebrows at such a social indiscretion.

Those cold, hard, facts, have been rolling around my mind for months now. It’s been a real struggle to reach acceptance on that front. And, honestly, I can’t tell you that I have even yet.

But at least I’m going forward with my writing in some respect. That’s about all I can be grateful for at the moment.

I look towards 2025 and realize because of various Trump policies, my life could be totally upended. This is where I say if you support Trump — fuck you, you fucking cocksucker. (Unless I’m related to you, then you get a pass.)

Anyway. Now that THAT is out of the way — I suspect some pretty fucking wild things are going to happen in 2025 that might totally shake up my life in ways that I can’t truly imagine at the moment.

2025 Predictions

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Here are some off the top of my head predictions for 2025.

Self-Awareness In AI
I think it’s at least possible that at some point in 2025 we’re all going to wake up to the idea that it’s self-awareness, not Artificial General Intelligence, that is the real Holy Grail. People are so busy thinking about AGI, that they totally miss the idea that self-awareness in AI would be a truly profound achievement because we would, in a sense, be creating our own “aliens.”

Trump
Trump has been really quiet since he won. Too quiet. So I wonder what kind of horrible, tyrannical things he has up his sleeve. If he really does some of the bonkers things he talked about during the campaign, it will be very interesting to see if the fact that these statements have gone from the abstract to the concrete might cause people to get really upset. But never forget, Americans — for better or worse — are very, very complacent. So, lulz, Trump could go full tyrant and we won’t even blink an eye.

My Personal Life
I fear for a number of reasons, 2025 may mark an abrupt end to a rather unique situation in my life. All good things must come to an end and I think 2025 will be it. I have no idea what, specifically, will happen, but I just have a hunch that my life in 2026 will be far different than it was in 2024.

There’s Money To Be Made Opening A Strip Club Near Me

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

A very ill-advised and ill-conceived casino has recently been opened near where I am. But a part of me wants to embrace this den of sin and open a strip club nearby.

There are no strip clubs in the town where this casino has opened and it seems like if you could open a strip club within walking distance of the casino you could make A LOT of money. I would at least TRY to be a modern and cool to the women who worked there if I did something so bonkers.

But, alas, I’m more of a dreamer than I am someone who would actually do anything so crazy. I don’t have any money and I just wouldn’t be able to handle the stress, even if I could somehow get the money to open it. I don’t handle stress well — I am bonkers, you know.

And I think some of this is just me being irritated still that I *may* have run into Zendaya preparing for a role at a strip club in Richmond and I didn’t realize it was her I was talking to as I talked to her.

Navel Gazing Getting Older

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

For women, there is an obvious biological element to getting older that they are reminded of repeatedly for the rest of their life. For men, however, things are not as obvious.

Instead of no longer having a period — shit like this happens to me: I was sat down on the porch of a restaurant near my home and within seconds of this happening a young woman who was straight in my line of vision asked to get moved out of that position.

It was so obvious that it left me rather forlorn. I’m just not as cute as I used to be, I guess, to the point that anyone under, say 40 would rather not be in my line of vision.

Ugh. It’s all very disheartening because I know it’s not going to get any better. It’s only going to get worse, even if I “make it big” late in life, I just will never again have the context of youth that I didn’t even realize might be gone one day.

An Interesting Facebook Profile Traffic Issue

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Because of a few weird things, I get the sense that maybe something is going on somewhere that is causing people to be curious about me. It’s very curious. I’m a nobody living in oblivion, so for anyone to care about me for any reason is a big deal.

I suppose it might have something to do with me using Gemini Advanced so much? Maybe my…unusual…conversations are generating buzz within Google and that is leading people outside of Google to want to read up on me?

Or…I don’t know.

But the clear flow of people who have been looking at my Facebook account is clear the last few weeks.

Well, Someone In Australia Is Really Interested In Me

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I have no idea what the person in Australia is looking at on this blog, but they’re REALLY INTEREST IN ME. They’ve look at about 70 posts so far. Given that they’re in a different country, I’m assuming they’re interested in all my anti-Trump, anti-MAGA ranting.

But, who knows.

It could be anything for any reason.

I don’t know what to make of it. It’s flattering that — anyone — who isn’t presumably a stalker or hater is interested in me.

It’s when I start seeing American government domain names in my Webstats that I realize that I got a serious problem. But I’ve vowed to myself to ride this particular pony to the bottom.

If it means I die in a camp or get pushed out a window, so be it. At least I died a free man because of something I believed in, rather than living on my knees a slave.

Self-Care: Not Watching The News For The Time Being

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The last time Trump won, I just shut down and stopped watching the news or engaging in social media. I’ve decided to do the same again this go around. It’s just not good for my emotional system to watch MAGA fuckers gloat.

But I don’t know how long I can go.

I think it’s one of those “one day at a time” type situations. The issue is, I need some time to process the fall of the American Republic and the last thing I need is the jarring images of the final decent into fascism.

With all that in mind, I’m determined to get back to work on my novel(s.) That is something productive and constructive I can do instead of stewing in my juices about how ICE might read this blog and decide to push me out a window at some point in the near future.

But dems the breaks, as they say. I have accept that there is a greater-than-zero chance that the Trump regime is going to come after me and murder me in cold blood for simply refusing to tow its fascist line.

All I know is, things are going to get really, really dark. We’re going to leave NATO in 2025. The late night TV shows will be purged to the point that SNL will probably barely be allowed to have its 50th anniversary special before it’s shut down for good.

And, given that Trump won fair and square, there probably won’t be any anger about such moves on his part. But, of course, there is always the chance that a lot of people, upon Trump actually doing all these autocratic, fascist things he keeps ranting about might grow upset.

Only time will tell.

‘Daydreaming’ — Being A Fashion Photographer

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m getting up in age now and my options for ever becoming a “success” are dwindling. I continue to work on a novel or two and they’re shaping up to be good enough that there is a least a greater-than-zero chance that they will at least catch the eye of a literary agent.

An example of my past work. Forgive the slight blur.

But I have been doing some serious contemplation of late and it seems the sweetspot for me ever being any sort of “success” would be as a fashion photographer. I have an “eye” for beauty and I have a native ability to take a great photo.

Yet, of course, there are a number of pretty big complications.

One, is, of course that I’m very, very poor. I live in poverty at the moment in large part because I’m totally bonkers. That particular truth is something that I was reminded of in a rather…uh…brutal…fashion in the last few months.

And, yet, there is a part of me that continues to daydream. If I ever somehow, magically, fell into some money I probably would use the money to invest in the photographic equipment necessary to at least attempt to begin a career in fashion photography.

I don’t expect this to happen any time soon, if ever. And, what’s more, the context of any such “success” would be something of a downer. If I lived up to my “potential” as the late Annie Shapiro quipped, all anyone would want to talk about is how I lay fallow for about two decades. And that doesn’t even begin to address how all anyone would want to talk about is how nuts I am.

But I definitely have an eye for beauty and photography.

Pondering Who Reads This Blog

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I continue to wonder at times who reads this blog and why. Very, very few people read this blog on a regular basis — maybe less than 10 — and sometimes I fear a lot of them are “hate reading” it because they’re MAGA and they hate my guts.

Or something. I just get the sense that maybe I have a lot more hostile readership than you might think.

But I am who I am, you know? The last few days have been hectic, to say the least and I have found myself having reason to ponder my life in a very existential manner.

I begin October with a lot of things in the air. I just don’t know how things are going to turn out in the next few months — or days, for that matter. But I have my health, which is the most important thing, I suppose.

But the idea that some people read this blog because they hate me and my political views does give me pause for thought. Anyway. What can I do. It’s not like I’m going to shut up and it’s not like I’m going to change how much I fucking hate MAGA.

So, there you go, I guess.