Tag: delusional and stupid

Existential Angst Over My Novel

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I find myself really struggling with the fact that my nightmare of someone not being willing to work with me after doing due diligence on me has come true and its implications.

I keep wondering if I’ve made a huge mistake by having my heroine be a part-time sex worker. Talk about self-doubt! And, yet, the key thing for me is the story is coherent and cogent. There is a logic to why I’ve decided to do this. I feel as though it makes the story really different and unique — just like me — and I feel as though fuck it, it’s the story I want to tell.

But I have to accept that between the inclinations of liberal white women — wink — and the “woke cancel culture mob” I’m not doing myself any favors by doing such a thing. It’s a risky thing to do, especially as an aspiring first-time novelist.

Mood.

And I only add to this problematic situation by using more than one POV and writing from a female POV at times.

But I have my vision for this novel and I am too stubborn to do anything about it.

I am, however, going to really begin work on my backup scifi novel. I’m proud of the main novel I’m writing — risks and all — but I’m smart enough to know maybe it’s time to accept how difficult pitching such a “racy” novel may be. I’m going to start working on the characters for the backup scifi novel ASAP.

‘I Can’t Go On, I’ll Go On’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Despite being an extrovert, I general lead a pretty isolated life. So I go about my business without a lot of interaction with people to give me some sense of how others perceive me. So, when my nightmare of someone deciding not to work with me on my novel after they did due diligence actually happened…it really rattled my cage.

I keep wondering if this is a sign that I should just give up. But the moment I think that, I am reminded that the problem probably isn’t the novel I’m working…but ME. The (young?) woman who did due diligence on me while considering being my editor probably didn’t like my musings about liberal white women or my ranting about this or that thing.

While, yes, obviously the fact that my heroine is a part-time sex worker probably made her blanch, the key issue is she thought I was a freaky weirdo. So, in a sense, there’s not much I can do — I’m going to have this particular problem no matter what type of novel I write.

So, in a sense this is kind of freeing. As long as I know the obstacles I face in my quest to get traditionally published then I can proceed as I was before. But I have to realize that, in a sense, I am creating just for the sake of creating. There’s pretty good chance that because of ME, I will never be published — ever.

Of course, despite this, I will have the personal satisfaction of having written a novel that *I* know is good, even if me being a kook prevents anyone with, like a career and shit, from ever giving me a chance. It helps that I have a huge chip on my shoulder about my writing ability and I want to prove the haters wrong.

Having said all that, I am determined to use some of my time on a backup scifi novel. Something that isn’t as “racy” as the main novel and fits the conventions of the modern novel better. It’s going to be difficult to do because, lulz, the main novel has completely consumed my life.

But, let’s rock.

Maybe I’ll Be A Published Author After I Die

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Maybe once I shuffle off this mortal coil, people will judge my work on its merits and not on what a kook I am on a personal basis. I can just see me having a completed novel or two done it’s only after I’m dead that they get published.

My only consolation is that all of this is existential. I want to prove a point — that I can write a novel that someone, somewhere likes enough that they read the entire thing. I’m well aware of how delusional I am about all of this.

It’s clear to me now that once I leave my bubble of delusion and try to query this novel I’m come up with that I’m probably going to fail in a stunning, catastrophic manner for a number of reasons. Everything from me, personally, being a kook to how I’ve on occasion teased liberal white women in this blog could be my downfall.

Add to all of this the fact that my novel involves a heroine who is a part-time stripper during the course of the story and…oh boy.

But, fuck it, every problem is just an opportunity in disguise. As long as I understand what I’m getting myself into, let’s rock ‘n roll. Even if I deleted this blog, the Internet is forever and it’s inevitable that the very things I’m concerned about people reading would be the very thing that everyone would jump on me for down the road.

So, lulz, all I can do is manage my expectations — and actually spend some time on my backup scifi novel.

The Kook Tax Strikes Again

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The exact thing that I’ve been navel gazing about since I started this novel project has happened — someone won’t work with me because they did due diligence on me and came away thinking I was a freaky weirdo. I THOUGHT I had found just the editor I needed for this novel, but, fun fact, no. She begged off because she read this blog and, essentially, didn’t like what she saw.

I’m not for everyone.

Now, my gut reaction is that this means I’m doomed. That all my hard work on this novel is meaningless because, well, I come across as a “delusional jerk with a good heart” as the late Annie Shapiro said. Or, more specifically, this specific novel turns off liberal white women. Or a liberal white women literary agent will read this blog — and me writing about liberal white women — and throw up their hands in disgust.

As such, I start to think seriously about my back up scifi novel that is far easier to pitch because it won’t have nearly as much sex in it and will abide by the conventions of the day — single POV that adheres to my gender.

But the moment I think that, I realize that it’s probably not the novel that is the problem — it’s ME. I have a colorful personality and I don’t always follow the media narrative. I could totally see someone who didn’t know me look at the contents of this blog and be totally turned off with any novel I might generate simply because they think I’m a weirdo.

I also got the sense from the woman who turned me down to be my editor that she saw me as maybe too much of emotional investment, like she was afraid I was going hit on her or something. I get it. I validate those concerns.

But, again, it pretty much all boils down to I come across as a kook.

I continue to believe in this novel and am going to finish it and let the chips fall where they may. But this event has also been a swift kick in the ass about what my expectations should be going forward.

I do really need to spend some time fleshing out my scifi novel as a backup plan. It’s really good and it seems like it would be a lot easy to pitch because it doesn’t have the “part-time sex worker” element to it.

Daydreaming About A Trip To LA

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’ve only been to LA once and that was about 20 years ago on my way to South Korea. But, now, just about 20 years later, I find myself pondering a return to LA once I finish my novel.

Now, obviously, instead of one novel, I should have three solid scripts finished before I head to LA. But, lulz, I never do what you’re supposed to and I’m very, very, very delusional. What’s more, it could be years before I can afford to get anywhere near LA and I will be even more fucking old than I already am.

It’s all very depressing.

But if I did go to LA, I would have to figure out where I would stay and for how long. I would also have to figure out how I would get around since I wouldn’t have a car and I wouldn’t feel like renting a car to drive in the horrific LA traffic. That is one reason why I love NYC so much more than LA — you can walk anywhere you need to go in NYC — or take the subway.

Anyway, the reason why LA is so enticing is I know I’m a good schmoozer. I know that, through sheer force of will, it’s at least possible that I might be able to talk my way into a cocktail party and have a loud, interesting conversation that catches the attention of some mover and shaker.

Again, did I mention how delusional I am?

And, like I said, this is all potentially years in the future. And a lot could happen in just the next 18 months that will….uhhh…complicate any such plans. It’s difficult to travel anyway, much less LA if the United States is bombing itself to rubble because of a revolution / civil war.

And if we turn into an autocracy, I could be dying in a Trump-branded concentration camp, rather than looking for opportunity in LA.

My Obsession With My Webstats Is Why I’m A Big Old Loser


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I have always been obsessed with Webstats. I can remember 20 odd years ago, obsessing about the same damn thing I obsess about now — who is looking at what I write online.

I have no idea why they are looking at my writing. And I have no idea who, specifically, is looking at my writing. But I can get a sense of how interesting the person is from their domain name.

For instance — if someone is from Montana, they’re probably a very powerful, or wealthy or famous person. Lots of the Uber-Rich have vast estates in ND, SD and MT. Also, if I get a ping from Seychelle Islands, I know that person is probably extremely wealthy, powerful, or both.

The weirdest pings come from people who have taken the trouble to hide even their URL or what they’re looking at. While VPN’s are growing in popularity, oftentimes if I can’t see someone’s domain name they specifically don’t me — or someone like me — to do the exact thing I am doing: trying to figure out why they are looking at such a low-traffic website.

Today I got two people using Google Proxy in the US in my Webstats. I wonder who they are.