Chelsea Handler: DM Me, Babe


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I was listening to Kara Swisher’s New York Times‘ podcast Sway where she was interviewing comic Chelsea Handler and something occurred to me: Handler and I would have a great time on a date.

All I want is one date. I’m a broke ass aspiring novelist at this point, but she and I could paint the town red given the opportunity. We’re peers in age and I really enjoy her brash style. I don’t think she drinks that much, but I do and I think given the opportunity that A Good Time Would Be Had By All.

But let me stress how fucking broke I am. It’s not like I could even buy her dinner at a good New York City restaurant. And, yet, I’m a good-to-great conversationalist and the evening would definitely be interesting to say the least. We could go to my favorite karaoke dive bar in the East Village, Sing Sing Ave. A.

I don’t live in NYC (not anywhere near it) but I know how to get there. Let me know, babe.

Some Thoughts On How America Gets Out Of This Trump Mess #Resist

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

The existential question of the day is whether or not Donald Trump is a fluke or the dawn of a new, dystopian era in American history. One thing is fore sure, Trump’s rise to power is the culmination of structural, systemic issues in the American body politic. Not to invoke his name too lightly, but Trump, in a sense, is an American Hitler if you think of history but as the biography of great men.

It is possible that the United States will bounce back, at least momentarily, from this Bad King. I mean, Caligula in all his insanity didn’t manage to bring down the Roman Empire. But I do think Trump is endemic of the end of the American Republic. The entire system is so broken, so built to squash leadership in any meaningful way, that there’s a real chance the United States is fucked.

And, yet, it is at least possible to put a positive spin on things. But it would require some pretty astonishing things to happen. The crux of the issue is — has Trump so fundamentally warped American politics that we can’t go back to traditional politicians? Have we reached Idiotracy at last and from now one, our politicians have to be establish celebrities and our celebrities have to be politicians? The answer to that kind of question will come, probably about November 2018.

When people begin to throw their hats into the presidential ring in earnest in late 2018, that will determine the tempo of things. A lot, unfortunately, depends on one Donald J. Trump. If Trump manages to survive past 2020 and have a second term, it’s really likely that there really will be no turning back. It’s very possible that we will have entered a new era in American political life that really is dark and uncharted. A lot depends who Trump is going to be up against in 2020.

I have long suggested that the only type of person who could defeat Trump, who is nothing more than overgrown middle-school bully, would be the adult equivalent of a middle-school class clown. It seems readily apparent that someone like Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert or even Chelsea Handler might be the silver bullet that might be able to slay the political monster that is Trump. Handler, in particular is, in a weird way, perfectly suited to the task at hand. She’s got just the right acerbic wit combined with a tough as nails sensibility that she could effectively deal with whatever horrific vitriol the Right wing managed to throw at her. There is the issue of a sex tape released by a vengeful ex-boyfriend, but I would like to think in this bizarre political world we now live in that wouldn’t be held against her too much, at least by most voters.

Meanwhile, both Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert would be great candidates as well, but it’s highly unlikely that Stewart would leave his petting zoo in New Jersey or that Colbert would leave a successful late night talk show to run for president.

One thing we have to take seriously is how the Russians might try to meddle in the election again. The American political system is so fucked up in a structural way, that it’s very well possible they could throw the election to Trump AGAIN and nothing would happen. Trump really has a near mystical hold on his followers that is difficult to explain or break. It is very well possible that he will not only survive, but thrive and prosper in the coming days and that there really will be nothing to stop him from finishing two complete terms.

That, of course, would leave the issue of where will America be once he finally has to step down. I would, again, suggest that that will be settled by who his successor is. If Trump’s successor, after eight years in office, is another celebrity, then that would be a definitely different spin on things than if it was a career politician. At this point, it’s too early to tell which it will be. Right now, it seems as though Trump is going to plow his way through the American political system, doing as much damage as possible.

And, yet, if, say, someone like James Comey were to succeed Trump at some point in the future, the American Republic might bounce back a lot quicker than you might think. But that is being really optimistic. It is difficult for me to say in good faith that the United States is even a Republic at all anymore. We are careening towards a theocratic, autocratic plutocracy of sorts. No amount of leadership will fix such long term trends. Effective leadership might manage it, mitigate it or ameliorate it but it won’t eliminate it altogether.

Having said all that, I would also like to say that as an American, I have hope that American exceptionalism still burns in the hearts and minds of its citizens and we ultimately will reject the “managed democracy” of Russia. I’d like to think that at some point people power will kick in and we’ll take back our government from the kleptocracy that it’s succumb to for the time being. But I don’t know, I just don’t know. I can’t predict the future and it could go either way, it really could.

At this point, we’re just going to have to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune until November 2018. If the “Blue Wave” really does wash down on the shores of Washington, then we can talk. Then there is a real chance that this Trumpian nightmare will end sooner rather than later and we can put it behind us. But every day Trump is in office, we risk bigger and worse disasters.

A real chance exists that Trump will try to save his sorry ass politically by pulling the biggest “wag the dog” in American history by initiating a “preemptive war” against the DPRK. I could totally see him doing it by, say July 2018, so in about November 2018 his approval rating will be in the high 80s as TV and social media are awash with the spectacular images of the long-oppressed people of North Korea at last being liberated. We could all wake up in 2021 to a truly distopian future.

One fear I have is Trump is, really, the only thing keeping the United States away from a civil war. The peace of mind that Trump gives the insane Right wing may be a weird firebreak that we won’t realize we enjoy until it’s gone. The United States is, right now, effectively two different nations and it could tear itself apart if we don’t find some effective leadership in years ahead. But sometimes you don’t get leadership until there’s a reason for people to rise to the occasion, so who knows what will happen.

A Modest Proposal: Chelsea Handler Should Run For President

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

While I frequently suggest that someone like Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert run for president, given the crisis we’re in and the current political climate, it seems as though center-Left people should go for broke and get Chelsea Handler to run for office.

I say this because any candidate that any candidate that the Democratic Party fields will be attacked in such a manner that whomever the candidate is would needs to be tough as nails. The only person I think of who could give as good as she got is Chelsea Handler. She has a rapier whit and she could eviscerate the dogs of rhetorical war that would be let loose against anyone in her position.

Now, there are some obvious issues: like Donald Trump, she has no governing experience. There is also a sex tape of her released by a vengeful ex-boyfriend to deal with. But given how batshit insane it is that Trump became president, that probably wouldn’t be as big a deal as you may think.

A lot depends on the state of affairs in 2020. If Trump has managed to plow through all the scandals and the Democratic Party is completely prone, it seems that things will be so desperate that people will be willing to give her a chance.

Also, a lot depends on the state of politics in 2020. Will we be tired of celebrities being president, or will we have fallen off the cliff and now that’s what we expect. That’s something I just can’t answer at this point.

Why Chelsea Handler Should Run For Office

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

With the announcement that Chelsea Handler is going to end her Netflix show to “concentrate on activism,” it is timely to raise the notion that she should run for office, maybe even for president. In this post-Trump era, she has all the skills needed to be an effective candidate.

She’s a celebrity, she’s caustic and she has some very well developed opinions. And I think she would give Trump — or one of his successors — a run for his money.

But we’ll see. Nothing fun-interesting every happens, especially if I suggest it.