Tag: Ariana Grande

I Have A Hunch Ariana Grande Is Trying to Get Pregnant

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

So, out of the blue, the newly-married Ariana Grande came out with a set of pictures of herself without any makeup on or her hair extensions in. The first thing I thought of when I saw this was, “She’s trying to get pregnant.”

The future mom?

I’m not so bold as to believe I have any particular special insight into the female mind — trust me, I don’t — but it doesn’t take an empath to believe that she’s feeling “broody” and, as such, felt like going back to basics. She wants to be a mom and, as such, she’s preparing herself psychologically for the changes such an event would have on her life.

The fact that she’s young and just got married definitely plays into this belief. But I’m always — always — wrong. So, lulz, what do I know.

Ari’s Jennifer Gray Problem: Ariana Grande’s New Face

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’ve written about this before, but, lulz, let me try again. What have to talk about Ariana Grande’s new face. There is a lot to unpack here. One, the celebrity press hasn’t said a peep about the fact that one of the biggest — and best looking pop stars out there looks like a totally different person. It’s up there with how Kaia and Cara were obviously doing the horizonal bop at some point and…crickets.

Before

I mean, if Cara is in a two person cardigan with you and you’re a woman — you’re absolutely dating.

Anyway, that’s just one element of this situation.

Another issue is what one might call the Jennifer Gray Problem. Jennifer Gray had a promising career in the mid-80s. She wasn’t an obvious Hollywood beautify — because of her nose — but she had deep showbiz ties through her father and she could very well have been America’s Sweetheart at some point in the late 80s.

And she got a nose job.

She didn’t just get a nose job, she got a nose solution. Her face suddenly lacked all the character it had. She just looked like A Hollywood Type.

This brings us to Ari.

After….THE VOICE — “Live Top 13 Eliminations” Episode 2115B — Pictured: Ariana Grande — (Photo by: Trae Patton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

Ms. Grande hasn’t just gotten a nose job, she’s gotten a face job. She still drop dead gorgious, but she looks totally fucking different. And, just like with Kaia and Cara…not a peep from the celebrity press. Not a word.

It’s surreal I hate it because we all can see it and know it happened, but the people who would otherwise regular our sense of “what is real,” the press, have chosen to ignore it.

Too fucking weird.

What The Fuck, Ariana Grande?



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Let me get some things out of the way. First, I’m a pretty big Ariana Grande fan. Second, I think she’s gorgeous. But I also have two eyes and know she’s gotten significant work done on her face recently.

What bothers me is, we’re all going to ignore this as if it hasn’t happened. But here’s the proof. Here is the Ari I remember:

Ari 1.0

And here is the new version of her face that kind of blows my mind:

Wow. Just wow. She looks totally different. She’s still hot as hell, but it’s unnerving because she no longer looks like the person you think of when you think of “Ariana Grande.”

And, best I can tell, there’s been pretty much zero mention of this transformation in the press.

Oh well.

‘Cunning’ — #Lyrics To Raunchy Adult Contemporary Song

Sometimes I stumble across a modern pop song that I didn’t know about that is actually REALLY GOOD! And that is the case with Ariana Grande’s “Motive.” One more tick towards rock and it’d actually be pop rock. Anyway, I know how Ari loves dirty fucking songs, so here you go. This song would be in the same vibe as “Motive.”

Cunning
lyrics by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner
Please give credit if you produce or perform

Come here and be cunning
use your lips between my hips
spell out my name without any shame
you can speak French if you like
maybe even a little Greek
but want I wanna know is
are you

(chorus)
a cunning linguist
can you speak in tongues
are you a cunning linguist
can you speak in tongues
if you can I want some

I can read very well
the way you speak in tongues
got me on the top rung
I’m waiting for it to happen
just for fun

if you’re good you can go lower
so we can’t get much higher
I can be such a flirt
when I’m ready to squirt

(bridge)
in and out ain’t a enough
it just can’t make me shout
you gotta touch me just right
pucker your lips on my lips
we’ll be fucking just right
with delight

(chorus)
a cunning linguist
can you speak in tongues
are you a cunning linguist
can you speak in tongues
if you can I want some

‘Overtime’ — #Lyrics To An Adult Contemporary Song


I have no idea what I’m doing. But I stumbled across the Ariana Grande song “Motive” and for an adult contemporary song it’s damn good. But anyway, this song is meant to be about how “best things in life are free.”

Overtime
lyrics by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner
please give credit if you produce or perform

we ain’t go no money
baby we both know it’s true
but you’re rich in ways
that make the girls blush
so when you make it rain
in the bushes we take it slow
stroke, stroke, stroke

(chorus)
the jewlery may be fake
but the passion will be real
we’re working overtime, overtime, overtime
to heal the pain of keeping it real

I’m not prepared to be scared
we’re both broke it’s true
so our fun has to be free
you’re as strong as they come
which is what I do like clock work
one by one

when the dawn breaks
I’m all you can take
if I work back much more
you might break

(chorus)
the jewlery may be fake
but the passion will be real
we’re working overtime, overtime, overtime
to heal the pain of keeping it real

(bridge)
I ask you
when we win the lottery
will we still be in love
or will you leave me for a side chick
you just laugh and rub my head
tell me roll for another round

(chorus)
the jewlery may be fake
but the passion will be real
we’re working overtime, overtime, overtime
to heal the pain of keeping it real

(chorus)
the jewlery may be fake
but the passion will be real
we’re working overtime, overtime, overtime
to heal the pain of keeping it real

Lyric Writing Musings


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I find myself feeling pretty good about the novel I’m working on. It’s not perfect and I’m just (again) at just about the end of the first act, but things are stable enough with it that I’m allowing myself to blow off some steam by writing song lyrics that will never, ever be performed.

But I think what’s going on is I like the challenges associated with at least TRYING to sell a pop song. I’m going to have to learn guitar, maybe buy some mixing equipment. And I’m going to have to study what makes a great pop song.

So, I find myself listening to the likes of Ariana Grande and….oh boy.

She can’t possibly be the horney little minx she tries to come off as. I guess the only reason why that is even an issue is her image is of a pre-teen. For her to be so raunchy in her songs…I mean…come the fuck on.

Anyway, one thing is clear about pop songs is they have to be open enough to interpretation that people can imbue the lyrics with their own, personal meanings. That’s what makes writing a pop song that isn’t 70s KISS song so difficult.

You have to both convey a lot of information but also the information is so vague in real terms that no one really knows what you’re talking about. But I think as a little bit of a treat to myself I may write a few song lyrics tonight just to stimulate that part of my mind after a long time of not doing so.

I’m well aware the whole thing is stupid since, like, what’s the point? But it is enjoyable in its own way to attempt to sort of write proto song lyrics that I might one day use as the basis for REAL song lyrics.

‘ATM’ — A Gift For Ariana Grande #Lyrics


Ariana Grande loves, loves, LOVES dirty songs. From “Side to Side” to her latest jam which is about 69ing, there’s no sexual position or activity she wants to avoid talking about in no-so-subtle ways. So, here’s the stepping off point for a new dirty song for her. I used Janelle Monae’s duet with Miguel “Primetime” to give me some sort of beat structure. Please ignore if you’re a producer and can think of something better. But I thought of this concept and couldn’t stop thinking about it. And, in all honesty, I only write lyrics like this to see if anyone with a cool domain name pops up in my Webstats.

ATM
Lyrics By Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner
Please give credit if you produce or perform

being in line with you is sublime
waiting for you make change
gotta go to the ATM
see if you’ll smile
when I’m around the corner

ATM is what I’m talking about
when you need to make a dash
for some extra cash
just go to the
ATM ATM ATM

not everyone knows your PIN
but when I’m touching you
I’m always a star
your sun shines bright
even when it’s bleached white’

ATM is what I’m talking about
when you need to make a dash
for some extra cash
just go to the
ATM ATM ATM

(bridge)
the ATM may closed
but my fingers know the score
when I hit the spot
I lick until you’re a rock

ATM is what I’m talking about
when you need to make a dash
for some extra cash
just go to the
ATM ATM ATM

‘Ephemeral’ — #Lyrics To An Adult Contemporary Pop Song

Whomever is Ariana Grande’s lyricist is doing a really good job these days. I’m just screwing around with this.

Ephemeral
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

beauty is just a moment in time
it comes as quick as it goes
at least that’s how it told
but I’m believe in love
now matter how
ephemeral

ephemeral
that’s all we got
a brief snapshot
ephemeral
ephemeral
ephemeral

I’m going to hold on tight
’cause it’s such a delight
it’s my right to have you
have you in my sights

don’t worry one bit
it might give you a fit
but we’re in the thick of it
our love is strong now matter
how much they say it’s

ephemeral
that’s all we got
a brief snapshot
ephemeral
ephemeral
ephemeral

[bridge]
locked tight
never going to leave your side
we’re in it together forever
till the end of time

ephemeral
that’s all we got
a brief snapshot
ephemeral
ephemeral
ephemeral

‘Saturday Night Love’ — #Lyrics To A Pop Song In Honor Of Pete Davidson & Ariana Grande

This is completely ridiculous and will never be produced, but it was a fun little challenge.

Saturday Night Love
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

he was working at SNL
met girl that did him well
she had a voice like angel you could tell
things went great
two weeks after their first date
they were engaged

people were surprised at the news
didn’t expect it to happen so soon
but they decided to wish them well

love is fast as can be you feel it
it’s a whirlwind wedding
so say with me what we got here, it’s
Saturday night love
Saturday night love
Saturday night love

others note they can’t get a text back
but Ariana Grande snagged a man
in two weeks flat
just when you think things are doomed
love shows its head
it’s best not to dwell on it all
everything is going to work out swell

people are left scratching their heads
wondering what it all means
but there’s no deeper meaning
love conquers all if you just have the gall
at least that’s the writing on the wall

people were surprised at the news
didn’t expect it to happen so soon
but they decided to wish them well

love is fast as can be you feel it
it’s a whorl wind wedding
so say with me what we got here, it’s
Saturday night love
Saturday night love
Saturday night love

[bridge]
who knows if they’ll succeed
before you know it we’ll be talking babies
the people will be cooing
thinking of the family that’s brewing

Lorne Michaels will officiate
bless the the two crazy kids
as they fly away to Ibiza
to dwell in their love
don’t worry it’ll end up well

people were surprised at the news
didn’t expect it to happen so soon
but they decided to wish them well

love is fast as can be you feel it
it’s a whorl wind wedding
so say with me what we got here, it’s
Saturday night love
Saturday night love
Saturday night love