Month: March 2022

Ok, A Novel Development ‘To Do List’


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

My goal the next few days will be to finally — finally — get into the second act. I’ve printed out the outline for the first act and now it’s just a matter of taking my Sharpie and sketching out individual scene summaries in long hand before I get back to writing.

I’m really kind of annoyed at how long it’s taking me to get where I want to be with this novel. I theoretically have four other novels to work on and I need to get to them, chop chop. I continue to think about idly, the idea of turning my attention to a tightly written novel of about 100,000 words (100 scenes) but I just can’t bring myself ot do it.

I’ve been too much time on this specific universe and, fuck that. I can do this. I just have to believe in myself. Though, to be honest, I wish I had a muse. It would be nice to have someone, anyone in my life who I could talk to about these novels.

As it is, I got squat.

I’m totally working in a vacuum. I’m believe I can get this project done a lot faster than you might think, however. It’s just a matter of putting in the work. I’m a very unique situation right now.

I’m very grateful to have this opportunity and it sure is going to hurt if this moment in my life ends and I’ve not even managed to write one fucking novel all the way through.

A Drunken Autopsy Of Undead Gawker — Or, There’s A Metaverse App For That



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m kind of drunk, but cognizant enough to give you my hot take on undead Gawker. The issue with undead Gawker is it’s trying to solve a problem that doesn’t exist — I don’t know about you, but I get 99% of my content passively on Twitter these days. And, what’s more, the very thing that made the original Gawker both great and problematic — snark — has so become a part of Twitter culture that, lulz, undead Gawker is moot.

The Best of The Old Gawker

And, really, I don’t even know if my go-to solution to this moot problem — turning undead Gawker into a really cool Twitter clone with a paid staff — would even fix the problem. That ship has sailed. That window of opportunity is no more.

In fact, I would go so far as to say the entire content production universe is kind of in a holding pattern until the kinks are figure out with the Metaverse. Blogs are dead, if you will. Apps are dead, if you will. There’s just nothing going on right now.

It is simply impossible for undead Gawker to bring back the glory of the hateful old Gawker because that moment in media history has past. For Gawker to exist at all is a self-indulgent nostalgia circle jerk. Now, because I have a huge ego, I believe if they would like me write for them that I would at least make things interesting in my little corner of its online presence.

I may be a kook, but I’m at least a thought provoking kook. I’d be a really cheap hire and would love to do crazy, nutty things simply to get attention. Though, of course, either I would have to work remotely or they would have to pay for me to crash on someone’s couch in Brooklyn.

This reminds me — if I ever somehow magically found myself living in New York City, I would start up a zine again. It would be so much fun to see if I could create a successor to the Village Voice. The process of starting a new print zine is so much fun, especially the handing it out ot strangers part. I would stake out the New York Times building and hand the zine out, hoping one of their writers might like it so much that they wrote about it.

Bring back zines! And someone help me move to NYC! Wink.

Jesus Christ can I be a delusional dreamer at times. But one man’s delusion is another man’s dream, I guess.

Anyway, the point is, in a sense, undead Gawker is like undead Newsweek. It’s coasting off the fumes of its namebrand without much point. The old Gawker live in moment in time when blogs mattered. That moment in time is over. Bring on the Metaverse!

‘Murder Most Foul’


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Well. Now that I’ve decided to not only shoehorn myself into this first novel, but to murder that character off, I’ve come to the point where I have to figure out how, exactly, I’m going to do it.

I have an idea.

It’s a method that will allow me to remind people of how the little town I’ve come up with is pretty well organized and if they don’t like you, they can get rid of you in a pretty evil way, not leaving any fingerprints. But to pull it off, I’m going have to point out something about the geography of the town so when I knock the character off it won’t be too abrupt or silly.

But drama and comedy are two sides of the same coin, so, I can fix any problems with tone by simply being very aware of the potentially silly nature of my proxy character’s demise.

Overall, things are going really well with this first novel. It is March now, however. If I’m not careful, I’m going to wake up in a year and be exactly where I am now. I have to push forward and get into the second act as quickly as possible.

There continues to be a little part of me that wants to use all of my storytelling ability that I’ve learned over the last few years to write a different novel that is a tight 100,000 words. But, to date, my ego just won’t let me do that. I love these five novels too much.

I know I can write them, I just have to put in the hard work.

Taylor Swift & The Strange Case Of The Dog That Hasn’t Barked


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I only write this because I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift’s Reputation on repeat on Spotify and I kind of have her on the mind. Anyway, the thing about Swift is she the exact center of mass media, of pop culture. She also is an avatar for the hopes and dreams of a generation or more of American women. As such, there is a curious event (or two) that hasn’t happen.

Tay-Tay

Why hasn’t Taylor Swift had a kid yet?

Or, more specifically, why hasn’t Taylor Swift gotten married and knocked out a few kids.

Her hoards of giddy female fans — Taylor is a regular Oprah in that regard — are beginning to reach that moment in their life when they’re settling down, getting married and starting families. If Swift is to maintain a stranglehold on their devotion and admiration — and stay relatable — she’s going to have to do something similar as well.

Before I go on, I have to address the surreal attempts on the part of Swifties to “prove” that Swift has had lesbian affairs with the likes of Karlie Kloss and others. I believe — especially with Kloss — that these rumors are true. But not in the way Taylor Swift’s fans might want.

I just think Swift and Kloss were modern wealthy celebrity women and, as such, they occasionally slept together out of drunken curiosity if nothing else. It’s my understanding that female same-sex relationships among the elite are so common that even to point them out is trey goche. So any “relationship” that Tay-Tay had with Kloss was far more of a lulz than her fans might think.

Anyway, the key reason why I like Tay-Tay so much is the fact that the’s the center of pop culture. She’s comfort food for the middle brow middle class. She doesn’t really challenge you and occasionally she runs emotionally naked through her lyrics.

It will be interesting to see when she happens to pop out a kid or two.

‘All Clear’ #Lyrics To A #Pop #Rock #Ballad

All Clear
lyrics by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner
Please give credit if you produce or perform

rush to the door
once we hear the last roar
don’t you fret
this is the end of it I bet
onw we’re all just waiting
for the all clear, all clear, all clear

the all clear from the violence
no more unexpected bangs or booms
the all clear is here
the all clear is here
the all clear is here

our love of the future makes us blink
why do we have to live life on the brink
the jets come and go
but my love remains here with you
can you feel its roar
but when it comes to want you in my life
it will never be said that

the all clear is here
the all clear is here
the all clear is here
no more unexpected bangs or booms
no more unexpected bangs or booms
the all clear is here
the all clear is here
the all clear is here

(bridge)
the darkness of the night
hides the turbulence of the fight
explosions abound I’m afraid
no all clear is heard
and until dawn arrives

the all clear is here
the all clear is here
the all clear is here
no more unexpected bangs or booms
no more unexpected bangs or booms
the all clear is here
the all clear is here
the all clear is here

‘Siren’ — #Lyrics To A #Pop #Rock #Ballad

Siren
lyrics by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner
Please give credit if you produce or perform

can you hear the air raid siren
can you here the air raid siren
can you here the air raid siren

hold me close so I can get a dose
this may be it
this may be the end my love
we’re not longer on the run
it’s just you and me
on the edge of destiony
what’s that I hear
it’s the air raid siren

can you hear that
the air raid siren
can you hear that
the air raid siren
can you hear that
the air raid siren

we’re under the ground
but I won’t let you frown
keep your hopes up
it’s all we got at this point
when things are so rough
but now again the sound rings out
what’s that I hear
it’s the air raid siren

can you hear that
the air raid siren
can you hear that
the air raid siren
can you hear that
the air raid siren

(bridge)
we they give the all clear
I’ll hold you tight
know you’re without fright
the fight has just begun
we’re never going to run
even when we hear the air raid siren

can you hear that
the air raid siren
can you hear that
the air raid siren
can you hear that
the air raid siren

Unpacking The MAGA New Right’s Obsession With A Second Revolution


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

An element of the rhetorical political froth within the MAGA New Right is the idea that if “woke” people don’t watch out, the South Will Rise Again and there will be some sort of, I don’t know, Turner Diaries in real life. Now, all of this is very, very dumb.

To me, what really is going on is MAGA New Right people get so worked up whenever their fee-fees get hurt over this or that “woke” policy that they grasp for the worst possible thing they can think of. They babble about a Second Civil War or even Second Revolution. They see themselves as Patriots who will take down the “tyranny” of people who want them to wear masks and quibble out pronouns.

There is so much to unpack here.

First, collectively, the MAGA New Right is made up of racist cock sucker peices of shit. They’re scared of a changing America where women are economically and sexually liberated and white people are no longer the majority. In short, they’re kind of freaking out. Now, on an individual basis most of the conservative people I know — and am related to — aren’t racist. But they are a part of systemic racism. I can’t talk about that, however, because that’s Critical Race Theory and, I don’t know, the Thought Police division of ICE is going to swoop down and murder me in cold blood if I write about it anymore.

The craziest part of all of this is, when it comes to the hard power of the government making laws, the MAGA New Right is ascendant. They control huge swaths of the government and after we finally decide civil war or autocracy in 2024 – 2025, may have autocratic control in the United States for decades, generations, to come.

But there is a chance that there will, instead be a civil war. And it won’t be the MAGA New Right that starts it, but rather the center-Left when Blue States — staring with California — leave the Union because of some sort of Certification Crisis.

THEN, it’s possible the fucking cocksucker MAGA New Right fuckheads will get ot have their revolution in the context of a civil war, though in all honesty, even then it would probably be a COUNTER-Revolution.

Anyway, the point is — we’re fucked. Totally, completely fucked. If the US collapses, then WW3 really would start soon after. Then the issue is how many people die and what the world will look like after the “Great Reset” of a “Fourth Turning” is over.

Is humanity more united, or simply run by a bunch of fucking autocrats? Only time will tell.

Of ‘Fleabag,’ ROKon Magazine & Daydreaming About Jennifer Lawrence In The Movie Version Of This First Novel


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I really need to shut up about any potential movie adaptation of a novel that’s not even finish yet. But, lulz, I’m a nobody and the only people who read this blog are stalkers or people who stumble across it for this or that reason.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

It’s the murder of a Fleabag-type character that ultimately serves as the catalyst for the dramatic transformation of small Southern town I’ve come up with. I’ve mentioned that Bella Thorne would be ideal to play the character in any movie potential movie adaptation, but I have a huge ego and, as such, I realize what I really what is Jennifer Lawrence to play a person that Bella Thorne could play just by being herself.

LONDON, ENGLAND – DECEMBER 01: Jennifer Lawrence attends a photocall for “Passengers” at Claridge’s Hotel on December 1, 2016 in London, England. (Photo by Anthony Harvey/Getty Images)

The character is inspired — even based on — the late Annie Shapiro who was, in her own way, at least somewhat like Fleabag. (This is really stretching it, but Fleabag is a character everyone understands when you invoke it and as such, that’s why I’m using it.)

The late Annie Shapiro. RIP.

Annie Shapiro was a very, very unique person. And I’ve been trying to tell our story in the context of ROKon Magazine in Seoul for the better part of 20 years now. But I’ve finally accepted that it’s just not going to happen. So, instead, I’m using things I know to be true and pouring them into a five novel series set around something else I know to be true — what it’s like to live in a small Southern town.

So, I guess what I’m saying is, in my mind, the character whose murder changes everything is a mixture of Annie Shapiro fused with Fleabag as played by Jennifer Lawrence if she was channeling Bella Thorne.

Bella Thorne

Anyway.

A Sprint To The Second Act


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m not getting any younger. If I’m destined to die of a widow maker heart attack like Stieg Larsson, I would at least like to have finished ONE novel. If I could manage to get four other novels done as well, that would be great.

Stieg Larsson

Anyway, I at least now know how many scenes I need to write before I enter the second act of this novel. The novel continues to have too many overall scenes and everything past the mid point is quite muddled — I just don’t know how I’m going to adjust the structure of the novel now that I’ve not only shoehorned myself into it as a character but am going to kill myself off before the end of the novel.

But I have to kill myself off in the novel — I don’t want to do the cop-out route of killing the character off in between novels. I want the audience to see what happened to the character. They will see the emotional hand off to the real heart of the series — a Mare of Easttown like woman who looks a lot like Olivia Munn (at least in my imagination.)

Olivia Munn

I risk getting kind of cocky. There have been plenty — plenty! — of times over the last few years when I thought I was going to zoom through a version of my first novel, only to have everything collapse in a rather abrupt manner.

But you have to have hope. I refuse to simply drop dead and not have at least one decent novel under my belt. And once I finish my first novel, I’m hoping that the development and writing of the other four novels will go much, much quicker.

There is the issue of if I do sell this first novel that I’ll be known as a thriller writer when I see myself as much more of a scifi author. But that’s really worrying over stupid shit at this point. The issue is to just get something, anything done.

If I do manage to write five novels I will be ecstatic.

How The Novel Sausage Is Made


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

My textbook for writing these five novels has been Stieg Larsson’s “The Girl Who Played With Fire.” It’s that book that if you’ve read it, when you pick up any of my books, you’ll immediately feel at home. It’ll be an emotional old brown shoe for you if you’ve read that book.

Here are my rule of thumb, totally arbitrary rules that I use when it comes to some elements of these novels.

First, when it comes to POVs (I’m using third person intimate) it has to go something like this:

POV: X
POV: Y
POV: Y
POV : X
POV: X
POV: X

I like the idea that when you open a chapter, you automatically know whose POV you’re going to see the most of within it. I’ve been a little too strict with this rule, which has greatly slowed me down. It should be that as long as you have one person’s POV more any anyone else’s that you’re fine. But, lulz, I really struggle not to follow this rule.

I should be following the Scene – Sequel rhythm as proposed in “Scene & Structure” but studying The Girl Who Played With Fire indicates that Larsson did not follow it, so, lulz. But that is a really good book to kind of give you a sense of what the “rules” are that you can promptly ignore.

Anyway, I’ve been doing a lot of heavy lifting with this first novel the last 24 hours. I’m getting really, really, nervous that everything is going to change on me unexpectedly and I will regret not trying harder to finish at least the first novel in the series.