Tag: emily ratajkowski

Daydreaming About NYC & LA

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Let’s do yet ANOTHER deep dive in to what might happen to me if I found myself able to live in New York City or Los Angles for a few weeks (months) with a job of some sort and ready access to transportation.

New York City
The thing about New York City is, from my experience, the city is so brutal on an social basis that the argument can me made that I’m full of shit whenever I talk about what a success I might be there. There’s a reason why the song says, if you can make it here you can make it “anywhere.” The metrics for success in NYC are very cold and clinical. Do you have a lot of money? Are you tall and traditionally good looking? Do you have a huge cock? (For women….were you a model in your youth?)

If you don’t have any of those, then, well, you’re not really very successful in New York City.

So, I probably am being pretty delusional — maybe a lot delusional — to think I could curry any favor, find any success just by living in New York City any duration of time. It’s really fun to think about, given what happened to me in Seoul….but my sell-by date is probably a sold 10 years in the past. I’m old and just not as cute as I used to be. I might prompt some interesting discussions once I leave the bar but….that would be it. I would be just another really interesting person in a sea of really interesting people floating around New York City and that would be that.

Los Angles
I would probably have a minor better chance of success because, well, Los Angles is a storytelling town. And it’s within the realm of possibility that I would cruise into a bar have a really great conversation with some random person and the next thing I know I’m explaining in vivid detail my vision for a movie the movie “11” staring Emily Ratajkowski who at that moment will be looking at me with wide eyes, hoping that I might get a three picture deal from my new best friend elsewhere at the cocktail party.

Or something like that.

The stuff of Hollywood dreams — La La Land and all that.

But even that movie is pretty much just a bunch of bullshit. I can schmooze with the best of them. And because of all the writing I’ve been doing with these six novels…I’m pretty primed to write some screenplays.

And…yet…there continues to be the issue of my age. I’m just not as cute as I used to be. I’m old, old, old. And, well that’s it. If I find any success it is probably going to be because of one of two things — I sell my first novel and it’s some sort of success, or I fall into some money and I buy the photographic equipment I need to start that career.

Anyway. I’m not getting any younger. It’s put up or shut up time.

A Silly Late September Daydream

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

A long, long time ago, I was somewhat “famous” in Seoul. And, during the course of this brief period in my life I managed to meet a few people famous “IRL,” namely Jennifer 8. Lee, then of The New York Times. I only bring this up because last night I had an amusing dream involving meeting my favorite supermodel, Emily Ratajkowski.

Now, let me be clear — I am never meeting Ms. Ratajkowski in real life. Or, to put it another way, I would have to literally win the lottery or sell a breakout first novel for me to get anywhere near to such an event happening.

But I like a good scenario and so, as such, I’ve found myself gaming out how I might meet Ms. Ratajkowski.

The first way is obvious — I sell my first novel, it’s a huge success and I find myself in her celebrity circles that way. While that’s at least possible — I hope — it’s extremely improbable. Or, if it did happen, I would be so old that it just wouldn’t be as much fun as it might otherwise be.

Meanwhile, there is a scenario that is just as unlikely, but a lot more fun to game out. This one involves me “somehow” falling into some money sooner rather than later and deciding to go back to Asia one last time before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

For this to work, Ms. Ratajkowski would have to be in Seoul for some reason AND she would have to be at, say, the W Hotel — a place I know a little bit about. I’ve been there a few times and it’s probably the most elite hotel this poor boy from Southside Virginia has ever been. Now, this is where things get murky.

I’m a really good talker — especially when intoxicated (I know, all drunks say that) — and if I was in Seoul and she was in Seoul at the W Hotel there and I could somehow wiggle my way to at least being near her on the dancefloor on night, then given that when it comes to a beautiful woman I have nerves of steel (usually) I think I could at least chat her up a little bit.

And that would be that. I could probably have about a two or three minute conversation with her before she realized I was drunk and poor and then her security team would step in and end the “moment” we might have. But I would have gotten what I wanted — just a brief moment of her time.

Anyway. Carry on. That’s never going to happen.

Americans Are Such Nerds — Of Sanna Marin & AOC

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I have to confess that I have a growing celebrity crush on Finnish Prime Minster Sanna Marin. She’s a real babe. Whenever I think maybe she’s a little too young to be the prime minster of anything, I remember that I see AOC as a viable political candidate for American president and she’s younger!

But let’s get to the point — Ms. Marin is in hot water for being her hot self a party and doing a gyrating dance with a bunch of friends in private. Can you imagine if footage of AOC doing that came out? OH MY GOD, Twitter would crash with all the hot takes.

Which, of course, brings us to another issue — maybe all us gray beards need to chill out and accept that things are changing. The Western world is in dire need of a political changing of the guard and, as such, These Things Are Going To Happen.

Even though I find Emily Ratajkowski often extremely disingenuous when it comes to how she Just Wants To Be Taken Seriously, she does have a point when it comes to how Olds are going to have to accept that at some point in the not-to-distant future there will be a major female political figure that we’ve seen naked in some respect. Too many young women have done some sort of porn before they realize how much doing it will change their lives forever for that not to be the case.

Now, obviously, there is the looming issue of how I fear we’re going to become an autocracy or have a civil war to worry about. That would make all this gauzy talk about nekkid female pols all very moot. We’re all going to be too busy running for our lives to think about such things.

And, I will note how surreal it is that AOC has successfully put her private life on lockdown. It’s incredible. Other than that one video of her dancing on a rooftop, there’s not been one leak of her running around in a bikini. Not that that should be a problem, but given that the entire American Right wants to hate fuck her, she’s probably wise to do such a thing.

Anyway. It’s just sad that Olds are so uptight about young women doing young women things once they obtain power. I really like what I’ve seen of Ms. Marin. She seems really cool. I would recommend she stay away from Trump. God only knows what creepy old man things he would attempt on her.

Who Should Pete Davidson Date Next?

Now that Pete Davidson is single and ready to mingle, who should he fuck, I mean date? Here are some options for our modern Warren Betty.

Emily Ratajkowski
This is the top pick for people on Tik-Tok, apparently. It would definitely help their careers if they hooked up. He’s all chaotic energy and she’s got a very, very languid personality. So, they would play off of each other very well. If they were able to linger together long-term they would be an It Couple.

Miley Cyrus
She and Davidson are so much alike in some ways, that it seems like they would have a really intense relationship then burn out as quickly as it all started. But for the few weeks their relationship existed, they would be an It Couple.

Julia Fox
They circulate in the same circles. Of course, this would open “Skete” up to talk of “sloppy seconds.” But despite this, they would make a cute couple and it would be the very definition of an “It Couple.” She’s an It Girl and he’s an It Boy. So, perfect.

Alexa Chung
She likes rocker badboys and she’s a brunette. So, I think she might be open to a little fling with Pete Davidson. He’s a little younger than her, I think, but that hasn’t stopped the Stud of Our Generation.


Cassidy Hutchinson
She’s a cute brunette and it would break the Internet (or at least Twitter) if they dated for even a little bit.

Melania
This one is silly, but it would be funny if Melania left orange dingus for Pete Davidson.

Well, That Was Quick

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

As I’ve said repeatedly before, I’m obsessed with my Webstats. Sometimes, people come to this site in an inexplicable manner that leaves me scratching my head. Usually, because I’m a nobody living in oblivion, there is some rhyme or reason to why someone pops up in my Webstats.

Yes, I have a few stalkers — apparently — but generally, people are searching for something (usually civil war scenarios) and appear in my Webstats. It’s when there’s “no referring link” that I find myself curious.

This happened tonight when someone popped up from Brooklyn of all places to look at my tongue-in-cheek post about dating Emily Ratajkowski after winning the $1 billion Mega Millions.

How did someone from Brooklyn out of the blue discover that post? It’s all very curious. I guess I should be thankful that they didn’t use the Internet Archive to rummage through this Website without even letting me know where they were coming from at all.

Whatever. Lulz. Nothing matters.

My Sure Fire Plan To Woo Emily Ratajkowski

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Ok, so here I am, a broke ass motherfucker with dreams of dating the most beautiful woman in the world at the moment, Emily Ratajkowski. But how to pull it off?

Here’s my plan.

  1. Win the $1 billion Mega Millions Lottery
  2. Fly to New York City and plot
  3. Send her a dozen red roses every day
  4. Change everything about myself
  5. “Accidently” run into her everywhere Mr. Big Style
  6. Take her out for Korean BBQ and seal the deal at a noraebang.
  7. Live happily ever after!

    All kidding aside, I honestly really do like her. Though I find it rather skeezy on her part the whole “don’t pay my rent” issue she was going through until recently. But I do like how political she is and she is, at least to relative to my world view, The Best Looking Woman In The World.

    As an aside, I would buy her Treats! issue, but it’s so explicit — if great — that if anyone discovered it they would think I was an even bigger creepy weirdo than they already do.

Could Emily Ratajkowski Run For Office?


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I only mention this because so many fucking people got boners and went looking for sexxy AOC bikini snaps when she went to Miami. This only caught my attention because my Webstats exploded with people who apparently can’t read — I was talking about how the picture DON’ T EXIST you morons. (wink.)

So, we come to Emily Ratajkowski. She is, in my opinion, one of the best looking women in the world. Maybe, at the moment, she is THE best looking woman in the world. And she’s been a nude model a whole lot. She’s very sex positive and made a name of herself being naked a lot.

But this brings us to another element of Ms. Ratajkowski — she’s actually fairly smart and self-aware. (To a certain extent.) So much so that occasionally she’ll make rumblings of her frustration over how difficult it would be for someone like herself to run for office given that we’ve all see her naughty bits.

Which leads to the question — if a woman at any point in her life is recorded being naked does that, by definition, exclude her from running for office?

For the time being, yes. But once Baby Boomers finally collectively fucking drop dead, there’s a chance that Xennials will be far more open to having seen the T&A of their favorite pol for no other reason than so many women will have been nude on the Internet at some point that is will grow moot. We’ll all just have to accept that women — gasp — are human and women they’re young, they are way too casual (at times) with who they show their naughty bits to.

So, the case could be made that starting around 2045, that someone like Ratajkowski probably could run for office and win and no one would blink an eye.

Burn Hollywood Burn: Somebody Put Emily Ratajkowski in A Remake of ’10’


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’ve written about this before, but I feel like ranting about it again — we’ve been through Covid, we deserve to see Emily Ratajkowski play the Bo Derek role in a remake of the Dudley Moore classic “10.” The two women are both stunning and both of them have the, “What, you think I’m hot?” type personality that audiences love.

I’m not saying she can act — we have proof that she’s not all that great in “Gone Girl.” But I’d pay $10 bucks to see her ask Seth Rogen, “Have you ever done it to Bolero?” It’s the part she was born to play. She’s extremely laid back and extremely sex-positive — just like Bo Derek — so Ms. Ratajkowski could knock this specific role out of the park.

Double dees, double dees, as they once said on SNL.

Emily! We Liked Your Old Nose — Your Flaw Was Part Of Your Beauty


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Ugh. Emily Ratajkowski and her nose job. Ms. Ratajkowski, is, in my opinion, the best looking woman working as a professional model today. She’s smart, “woke” and fucking drop dead gorgeous.

Google Images.

But I have a minor beef with her — she fixed her nose.

The thing about it is, she fixed her ever-so-slightly flawed nose late enough in the game that I came to associate it with her. Overall, she was The Body (and The Face) in my mind and she had that tiny little flaw of a ever-so-slightly bent nose.

It gave her face just a tick of personality to an otherwise otherworldly beauty. Now, she’s still an industrial strength beauty, but there seems to be something missing.

In passing, Ms. Ratajkowski has got to have the most languid of personalities. She’s so laid back she’s barely cognizant. But lulz, no one cares what have to say.