Tag: angst for the memories

A Mild Disturbance In The Force

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I like to think that I have “the knack” to a limited degree and I feel a tinge of something out of sorts in the universe. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like something I don’t know about is happening that I would find of interest if I did know about it.

Then, for some reason, I also find myself thinking about South Korea — specifically Seoul — and the late, great Annie Shapiro. I still can’t believe that woman is dead. It just blows my mind. She was so manipulative and crafty that I STILL have a 10% belief that she faked her death for some reason.

She really was that sneaky.

And, yet, all indications are that she did, in fact die. At a very young age, too. It’s all very sad.

But I also think of Seoul and all the crazy things that happened to me there. It’s been so long ago that I was last in Seoul that if I ever go back, oh boy, will things be very, very different.

Which makes me feel kind of sad. But I’m also a lot different than I was when I was in Seoul. I’m older, wiser and the whole context of any new time in Seoul would be so different as to make the trip nearly moot.

As it stands, the only way I would ever probably live in Korea long-term would be if there was a war between the Koreas, South Korea won and suddenly there was a absolute need for as many English teachers as possible in what was once North Korea.

Otherwise, lulz, I probably can just visit at some point in the future. (When, I don’t know….maybe when I sell my novel?)

But I wonder what I’m feeling that is making me tinkle in my psyche. I wonder what’s going on just outside my vision.

Angst For The Social Media Presence

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I just saw on Twitter an author complaining about how they didn’t get their novel sold because they were told that they have a “poor social media presence.” This has rattled my cage a little bit because I don’t have that much of a social media presence.

Or, put another way — I’m very active on social media but, lulz, not exactly very popular. I suppose me talking about writing for years might be a “hook” that an agent or publisher might find interesting…but also they might do their due diligence on me and just think I’m a fucking kook.

But the point of all of this is just to see how far I can get in the process of getting published before it is absolutely clear it’s pointless. I haven’t gotten to the point where I actually begin to query yet — that’s the next big step — and that should probably, maybe happen in roughly a year.

If I fail totally, then, lulz, at least I learned a lot along the way. And I do have a number of other novel ideas that I want to work on. And, really, the thing that I wanted when I started — to be successful enough to run around NYC with 24-year–old women is kind of a moot point now, given hold old I am.

So, ANY success at this point in my life, ANY, would be of note.

And, Then, Suddenly….

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Of all the differences between living in South Korea and the United States, there is one that sticks out — how fast things change. In the United States, things stay the same for a long, long time, then BAM, everything lurches forward into the future.

Meanwhile, in South Korea, every day — at least for an expat — is an adventure. Everything changes really, really fast seemingly in minutes. That is one of the many things that can cause severe reverse culture shock when you return home to the States after living in Asia for a long time.

I only bring this up because my life has been the same for a few years now and I’m growing worried that something unexpected — or expected — will happen to throw my life up in the air and I’m going to be pushed into a new era of my life.

It’s probably going to suck, but, lulz, they never promised us a rose garden.

A Sense Of Unease

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I don’t know what to tell you, but I definitely have a general sense of unease of late. I don’t quite know why. I think some of it comes from getting older and realizing that even if I somehow “made it big” overnight, I can never get the type of success I thought one day possible.

The context will just be totally different than the way I wanted when I was younger.

And that doesn’t even begin to address any number of things that could go wrong soon enough — especially in the context of what might happen as part of the 2024-post election season. Yikes!

Anyway. All I can do is just be the best person I can be, I suppose. And it seems as though the only people who read this blog are haters / and or stalkers of some sort.

I really do try to be the best person I can be. I can’t help it if you think I’m a weirdo.

I Need More Structure In My Life

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Ok. Time to sit up straight and actually get some shit done. I’ve been drifting for much of the last month for various reasons. But now, finally, it’s time to focus. I need to realize deep down in side that I’m just not going to live forever and I have to get something, anything done so I can query it.

Tomorrow is August 1st, so that’s as good as time as any to put this plan into action. In fact, in a sense, I hope to start it tonight. I’m going to focus on getting some creative things done that I might not usually do.

It helps — I suppose — that I’ve stopped drinking. I hate being sober, but I’m now sober out of spite, if nothing else. Everyone thinks I’m some sort of raging alcoholic so in a “fuck you” that helps both of us, I’ve decided to prove a point by just stopping to drink booze cold.

Both sides win — I prove a point and they get to feel smug.

What more can you ask for?

Not drinking has definitely freed up a lot of time. I was drinking because I was lazy and bored, not because I felt some overall desire to drink and my ability to stop drinking cold, full stop proves that, in my opinion.

Anyway. Tonight, I hope — HOPE — to get something, anything done on a creative basis to help me see if I can get closer to querying a novel in the spring — if the world doesn’t collapse because of the fucking Forth Turning.

And Just Like That…

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Within hours of me bemoaning how bad today was going to be, everything changed. Now I feel much better. Among the great things I saw today were three lovely young women.

One had a bright red shirt on that said, “I may be a bad influence but I’m hell of a hang.” The next was a quasi-goth girl I would have fall for hard in college. The last was a older woman — ie, my age — who was smoking hot and had great legs.

Those three women definitely put a spring in my not-so-young step.

Now, to see if I can get some reading, watching and writing done today as well. I just can’t lie around and do nothing. The clock is ticking. I’m not going to live forever.

‘Heebie-jeebies’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I feel a bit of unease of late. While there are a number of reasons — some of them pretty concrete and big — for me to feel this way in my personal life, what I’m feeling is more….the Undertoad.

A sense of dread, as if something is lurking out there in the darkness of the future, waiting to pop out.

I don’t know what to tell you. I’m just going to try to be the best person I can be. I am worried about a few things that might potentially happen out there in the greater world. But, who knows, maybe this sense of foreboding is just a fluke. It could mean nothing — it usually doesn’t.

Contemplating Failure

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I have decided that as part of the process of adjusting my expectations with this novel, I have to accept that there is a chance I will fail. It’s possible that not only is this novel just too “racy” for both the liberal white women who make up the majority of literary agents and the “woke cancel culture mob” but that I’m just too old and weird to ever be a published author.

Mood.

It’s possible that, by definition, anyone who does due diligence on me will want nothing to do with me — even if they like my novel.

This is bitter pill, but one I have to prepare myself to swallow. It could be that I’m a little bit *too* unique for my own good. No amount of meaning well or being self-conscious and hyper aware of my kookiness will change the fact that “normal” people with careers and money just will be aghast at what they find out about me when they do the obligatory due diligence.

This is very disheartening. My only consolation is I’m gaming out a future that may or may not come about. But I have to prepare for such a nightmare. The fact that the very thing I feared would happen — someone I wanted to work with decided they wanted nothing to do with me once they read this blog — did, in fact, happen, has left me rattled.

And, yet, as I keep saying, this novel is existential. I write because I have to, not because I want to and, as such, I want the satisfaction of knowing that if people would just give me a chance that they would see that I am, a good writer and that I don’t suck.

I also am going to TRY to work on my backup novel so there’s a chance that if someone doesn’t like how “racy” main novel is, I will at least be able to show them a scifi novel with littler or no sex. The scifi novel would also fit the modern conventions of novel writing.

And, come to think of it, if I was, like, 25 years younger, I might take the idea of screenwriting a lot more seriously. But the learning curve for that is just too sharp. Would take me years to get to the point that I am now with novel writing. So, I’m kind of in a corner.

Novel writing it is.

That’s One Way To Fix The Problem

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I am going through some scenes in the first half of the second act of the third draft of the novel and as I do it, I realize that, if nothing else, *I* like this novel. And since I’m the one actually fucking writing it, the squares and narcs who can’t handle my heroine being a part-time sex worker and just fuck off.

Believe.

Wink.

The story is interesting and compelling. Yes, it’s a bit “racy” as one Reader told me, but, so, too, is Boogie Nights and that’s one of the best movies of the last 30 years. I’m not comparing my novel to Boogie Nights, but the concept is the same.

And what is the point of a story but to be thought-provoking and interesting? Most of all, this novel, if I write it correctly, will make you feel something. You’ll — hopefully — become emotionally invested in my heroine’s obsession with owning a small town newspaper.

I hope to write a novel as popular and successful as The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

I can’t help that the fucking “woke cancel culture mob” wants us all to live in a sexless world where nothing ever troubles their tender sensibilities. The novel I’m working on tells a really compelling story — despite being “racy” — and, as such, I’m willing to throw myself into it so I can see it to completion.

I will worry about the reaction of the Real World once I’m done. And I’m fine with it never being published because of its controversial subject matter. Me getting anything published at this point would be something like winning the creative lottery, so, lulz.

‘User Error’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Now that it’s clear that *I* am the problem going forward if anyone should do due diligence on me when I query the novel I’m working on, let’s go through what might be problematic.

Mood

My Comments About Transgender People
I will occasionally write something on this blog about how if I was a “twenty something undocumented transgendered woman” then selling my novel would be easier. I can see why such a quip might alarm some people who are easily “triggered” by statement that doesn’t fix the orthodox that has developed around trans people. What bothers me is that I am not being serious when I say this. I’m just pointing out the obvious — as one would-be reader of my novel (who promptly ghosted me) said, “The demographics aren’t on my side.” I’m not picking on trans people by my observation, just being realistic. And, I think, the bigger issue is that I even bring up this fact of life — even if it’s meant in jest.

My Comments on “Liberal White Women”
Another running gag on this blog is the idea that my novel will offend “liberal white women” and, as such, I’m screwed. I honestly don’t know one way or another what this mythical demographic will think. I just occasionally find myself full of angst over the part-time sex worker nature of my heroine and as part of that angst, I mention liberal white women. Just like with my comments on trans people, it’s more a testament to my sense of humor than it is me picking on the group. But we live in a humorless age without any sense of nuance, so I guess I have only myself to blame.

My Political Ranting
My politics generally fit within the center-Left “media narrative,” but I guess it’s possible that some of my edgier hot takes might alarm some people. You can never tell these days. People are just to touchy about any and everything that it could be that some people doing due diligence on me would think my political rantings are just yet another sign of what a fucking crank I am.

My Angst Over The “Woke Cancel Culture Mob”
If someone gets upset over this, then, I dunno what to say. My ranting about what I fear the “woke cancel culture mob” MIGHT think about my novel is just me being my usual angst-ridden self. And, I can see how if you were a “liberal white woman” with a clear set of goals for a story that me ranting about how much I fucking hate the Bechdel Test might be a serious turn off to the point you wouldn’t want anything to do with me.

The Part-Time Sex Worker Angle Of My Novel
This is a tough one. I find myself vacillating wildly between being overcome with self-doubt about this element of my heroine and thinking it’s pretty cool. It’s an interesting way to have built-in conflict for my heroine and helps with character development. And, yet, by definition, doing such a thing at all as a smelly middle-aged CIS white male is loaded and provocative to the tender sensibilities of some “liberal white women” who might be, in general, members of the mythical “woke cancel culture mob.” (wink.) I will note that I was doing some some editing today and re-reading the novel gave me renewed hope that maybe I’ve stumbled across a really interesting story.

Miscellaneous Kookiness On My Part
This is difficult because it’s not something I can pin down. There’s a chance that someone with, like, a career and reputation could read this blog and just blanch. They just wouldn’t like the vibe I give off. Add to this how much I retweet pictures of hot chicks on Twitter and…oh boy…I could totally see some “normal” person being turned off by…ME.