Month: March 2024

Am (Almost) Querying: Worrying About Liberal White Women Literary Agents & What They Will Think Of My Novel

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The worst thing anyone else said about me was that I am a “delusional jerk with a good heart.” That was said to me by the late Annie Shapiro while we were in the process of untangling our hearts and minds from each other at the end of ROKon Magazine.

The late Annie Shapiro and me in better days back when I was cute.

She had a point.

But, I’ve had a brain transplant since that statement, said many moons ago. I’m a much more humble, stable person.

And, yet, here I am, about to plunge into the cold, dark waters of querying — in a few months, maybe more — and I am worried about what the liberal white women who make up the vast majority of agents will think of me and my novel.

The novel itself is problematic because even though it’s really good, the idea that a smell CIS white male would write such a novel might make some liberal white women blanch.

My novel is about a part-time stripper obsessed with owning a rural community newspaper in Virginia.

Or not. I just don’t know. I can’t help how the story I worked itself out of my emotional system. It has a lot of spicy scenes but it does, in fact, tell a compelling story about one woman’s obsession to own a small town community newspaper.

It tells a complete, compelling story. And, what’s more, it leaves you wanting more. It is written in such a way that the audience will want to know what happens next. I have a second novel in the series in the hopper — I just have to write the third draft. So it’s at least possible that I may have TWO novels done this year, ready to query.

But that’s a little bit down the road. I need to chill out for a little bit today then sit down and start writing again. It sucks so bad that I have to do all of this sober, and yet, that’s the reality I face.

Ugh.

Wish me luck.

Ethel Cain Is So Good

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

It took me a bit longer than I’d like to admit to realize that Ethel Cain is transgender. It’s difficult to realize this given how soulful and feminine her songs are. And, I have to admit also that because of how much I love Cain’s music that my views on the transgendered have changed.

Ethel Cain

Even though obviously she didn’t have to prove shit to anyone, her ability to sing the type of songs she does with such conviction definitely forces one to accept the validity of transgender people.

She’s probably one of my favorite artists out there at the moment. She’s so interesting and different that she really makes one not only enjoy her music, but think, too.

It is interesting that the pop press hasn’t really mentioned the transgender angle when it comes to her. Now, obviously, I have to acknowledge that I only learned about Cain through Tik-Tok and she’s really not gotten any mainstream press as far as I can tell.

Pondering The Querying Process For My First Novel

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

There are some basic things I just don’t know about my novel yet, one of them being how long it is. The metric I use for the length of the novel is scenes, rather than word count, so it’s not until the very end of the process that I really know how long the novel is.

The heroine of my novel has a sleeve tattoo similar to the one Megan Fox now sports, even though I thought of it first.

The last time I did this, with the Beta Draft, I undershot my goal of 100,000 words by 20,000 words. Now, however, I have a pretty good sense that once the entire process is complete and I have a Beta Draft of the Third Draft of the novel that I’m going to come in closer to about 140,000 words, which is way, way too long.

But I don’t know yet. It’s possible that I will totally misjudge things again and the story will be closer to 100,000 words, which would be great! I just don’t know right now. I probably should think about adding up my words now as I approach wrapping up alpha release of the third draft, but I don’t wanna.

One thing I’m really concerned about is how the “woke cancel culture mob” is going to react to some of the elements of this novel. I mean, I am a smelly CIS white male writing about a same-sex relationship between two women and that’s just not supposed to happen. And my heroine occasionally strips, which is also going to freak them out.

Corrie Yee has the phenotype of my heroine.

I am well aware that “the demographics aren’t on my side,” as someone recently told me. But, lulz, so what. I know I have a great story on my hands and it’s just a matter of finishing it as soon as possible.

It definitely will be interesting to see if the liberal white women who make up most the vast majority of literary agents will blanch at all of this non-woke behavior on my part in my writing. But I can’t help what I’ve gotten myself into at this point.

I do, however, have a scifi novel rolling around in my mind. It would be one that better fits the expectations of the modern fiction world.

Of course, all of this is happening the context of the rise of AI and the potential Fourth Turning. So, I dunno. Wish me luck, I guess?

I Finally Understand What My Novel Is About

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

For a long time, I thought this novel was a murder mystery like Stieg Larsson’s The Girl Who Played With Fire. Because of this assumption, I spent months — years — spinning my wheels, struggling to figure out how to make the story work. It wasn’t until I realized that the first novel in this series is actually more foundational than that that things began to click.

My novel is about a part-time stripper who is obsessed with owning a community newspaper in rural Virginia.

This novel isn’t about a murder, it’s about one woman’s struggle to own a community newspaper. Throw in that the woman is a part-time stripper and a few people do die during the course of the story and you got yourself a pretty good shot at a novel that is interesting enough to actually get published the traditional way.

What’s more, this is meant to be part of a six or seven novel series that ends with a NEW series about a Lisbeth Salander-type woman. So, in a sense, my vision for these novels is you get to see how one Salander-type woman had such a fucked up youth that she would turn into someone you want to read a lot of books about.

Writing a novel as accessible and popular as Stieg Larsson’s The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is my dream.

That’s the thing about Salander, from my point of view, the reason she was the way she was is she had a really fucked up upbringing. Had she had the opportunity have a normal youth, she might not have gone bonkers the way she did.

So, now that I understand the nature of this first novel in the series, I find myself dwelling seriously about how successful I will be when it comes to querying this novel. At the moment, I honestly don’t know.

I’ve never queried a novel and it could be that despite all my hard work that over the years that, lulz, I’m still not good enough. But I know I’ve accomplished one thing — I’ve written a novel that at least won’t embarrass me.

Mystery Of The Universe: How Does AOC Keep That Smoking Hot Bod Under Wraps?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Because of her politics, the fact that AOC is drop dead gorgeous is a far more touchy subject than you might think. On Twitter, at least, you can’t even make a joke about it without people jumping down your throat.

AOC being hot and young.

Ok, I get it, we have to judge her exclusively on her mind, not her looks.

Or, should I say, we SHOULD judge her exclusively on her mind, not her looks. But can you imagine the epic blow up on social media and the hysterical MAGA echo chamber if even ONE photo of AOC in a skimpy bikini somehow was leaked? It would break the Internet.

The Right would demand her expulsion from Congress while at the same time they might break their penises from masturbating so hard to the picture.

Which, of course, is exactly why she keeps her physical beauty under wraps. But you have to hand it to AOC — she’s been very, very lucky. It says something that there is NOT ONE photo of a young “Sandy” in a string bikini enjoying a hot NYC summer on some rooftop.

It’s crazy.

The demand for such a forbidden non-existent bikini picture is so potent that people keep coming to this site thinking I have one, when all I ever do is write about how the pictures they want so bad don’t exist!

Maybe there’s something going on that I don’t know about. It is possible that she closes off beaches so she can wear a bikini? Are the press protecting her in some way? If so….lulz. I don’t care.

I totally get why she is on lockdown about such things. I just find it really hysterical that so many people search for such photos, thinking that somewhere on the Internet they exist.

But it is really sad that she has to be so careful about her body. She’s human and we should be able to respect her mind while at the same time she have the right to wear a bikini in public if the mood hits her. And, yet, here we are, with that being impossible because of what renobs the Right is made up of.

Zoom!

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Barring something I can’t predict — which could very well happen — I am well on track to zooming through the second half of the alpha release of my first novel. Once I finish that, then I will pause for a bit to reflect on how I can take the beta release of the third draft to the next level.

I’m kind of a kook. (That’s me ~2007 in the background.)

I need to focus on consistency, canon and character. I finally — finally — understand what this novel is about and what motivates my heroine and as such I feel pretty confident I can cruise through the remainder of the alpha release. The beta release, however, may take me a while because that will be the release that I either hand over to and editor (somehow) or I begin to query with.

This beta release of the third draft of the novel Is It, one way or another. I will have Finished A Novel and the the post-production / editing / querying process will begin.

Now, obviously, there are all kinds of fucked up things that might happen. The Petite Singularity could happen and everyone will have a Mind In A Box that they can tell to write them a personalized novel in seconds. Or The Fourth Turning could happen and the US will descend into chaos or autocracy.

I hope to write a heroine as intriguing as Lisbeth Salander.

But fuck it, I’m really pleased with this novel. I’m really pleased with what I’ve come up with and the novel is VERY MUCH a reflection of my personality to the point that if you finish reading it, you’re going to maybe know a little bit more about me than you might think.

Anyway.

All of this is happening in the context of me potentially finishing ANOTHER NOVEL in the same series at some point this year. And, really, in a sense, the only thing that would slow me down on that front is my own arbitrary perfectionism and having to accommodate all the changes to the story that I made when I finished the first novel.

Corrie Yee has the phenotype of the heroine of my first novel.

I’m feeling pretty excited. It will be interesting how long it takes for me to find an agent. I’m going to give myself about five years before I say, “Well, I guess this novel isn’t it.” And I hope to keep writing while I query this particular novel so I might have a more marketable scifi novel I can pitch if things don’t work out with this particular mystery-thriller homage to Stieg Larsson’s Millennium Series.

Only time will tell, I suppose.

The Only Way This Novel Gets Published Is If Something Really Weird Happens

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’ve always led a quirky life. Strange things have happened to me for strange reasons my entire life. And, given my lot in life at the moment, it seems logical to assume that the only way this novel I’m working on ever gets published is if…something unexpected and weird happens.

I hope to write a heroine as interesting as Lisbeth Salander.

Something is going to happen out of the blue that I just can’t predict at the moment. When I was working on ROKon Magazine back in the day, things like that happened seemed to happen on a daily basis.

These days, though…ugh. I live a very quiet and mundane life.

But while there’s life there’s hope….so…who knows?

At The Midpoint: Things Are About To Lurch Forward With The Alpha Release Of The Third Draft of My First Novel

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Very soon — no later than tomorrow afternoon — I’m going to sit down and start to flesh out the second half of the alpha release of the third draft of my first novel. Things *should* move pretty fast now. I hope. I know this story really well now — it’s about a part-time stripper’s obsession with owning a small town community newspaper.

Corrie Yee is the basic phenotype of the heroine of my first novel.

Now, obviously, this is…an unusual concept for a novel. But, lulz, I’m weird, too, so fuck you. (wink.) I get the sense that it’s possible that all my very conspicuous talking about the status of this novel is generating a teeny-tiny amount of attention / buzz somewhere deep in the bowels of the infotainment-industrial complex.

Nothing serious, but someone in Greece — obviously someone on vacation — made a very pointed Google search that found some old copy of the novel that I posted here on this blog. Also, there was a picture of the phenotype of my heroine — Corrie Yee.

My heroine has a sleeve tattoo similar to this one that Megan Fox now sports, even though I came up with the idea first.

I have no idea what any of this means. It could be good — maybe some VIP finds my novel idea intriguing — and it could be bad — a movie producer is going to “steal” my concept and then next thing you know, A24 is coming out with a movie that is pretty much the same story as the one I’ve been working on for so long.

S1-D13-_-Pang-_-mysterious-postcard-RCL-work-day-1Download
S2-D13-Pang-_-interview-surprise-tells-DM-they-need-to-talkDownload
S3-D13-DM-_-will-stay-away-from-Cargo-as-part-of-a-lapdanceDownload

That latter idea is extremely paranoid on my part — I mean, lulz, no one cares about anything I have to say. And I don’t know, while I suppose it’s *possible* my idea is good enough to hang a screenplay on without all the fleshing out I’ve done for the novel….I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I hope to write a heroine as intriguing as Lisbeth Salander.

It could go either way.

All I know is I’m going to keep working on this fucking novel until something absolutely, on a concrete basis, blocks me so it’s impossible and I have to piviot to something else.

Even if someone was going to write a screenplay based on what little I’ve posted about the actual premise of this novel online, it would take them time to write and produce the movie. That would give me some wiggle room, I suppose. But I vacillate widely between thinking obviously I’m doomed and thinking there’s no downside to what’s going on.

Here is my angry rant about what happened to me in Seoul in staring in late 2006, which inspires a lot of the novel I’m writing.

Somehow.docxDownload

So.

Having said all that, I hope to zoom through the second half of the novel in the coming days. Once I finish the alpha release of the third draft, I’m going to take a HUGE FUCKING BREATH and game out canon and character development. The beta release of the third draft will be the one that I either give to an editor or just using to start querying. (After I let some people read it, of course.)

But things should move really fast now. Really, really fast. So fast that there is still a pretty good chance that I might even finish a SECOND novel in the series this year.

Yet More Daydreaming About A Return To Seoul

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I have no plans to return to Seoul anytime soon. In fact, the way things are going, I could be in my mid to late 50s before I have anywhere near the funds to do such a thing. And, even if it did happen today — I’ve waited too long.

It just won’t be as much fun.

I’m too old.

And, yet, there is a little part of me that still wants to return to Asia again just to see how my old stomping grounds are doing. I would like to see Nori Bar and Haebangchon and Itaewon again.

But I know that given how fast things move in South Korea that everything would be different in the extreme, to the point that it would all be a lulz and a huge fucking letdown.

The fact that I’m just too old to enjoy any return trek to Asia weighs heavily on my mind. It’s one of those things you just don’t really think about — that there are things you have access to in your 30s that you don’t when you’re in your 50s.

Ugh. Talk about sick sad world, huh.

Will The Looming Advent of AGI Make My Efforts To Write A Novel Moot?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Oh boy. It definitely seems as though at some point between now and sometime in 2025 we may develop Artificial General Intelligence which would be “a human mind in a box.” It would be able to do pretty much anything a human can do — and better.

One of the things it could give push-button access to is the ability to…write a novel.

As someone who has been struggling to write a novel for several years now, this gives me pause for thought. And, yet, I create for the sake of creation. As such, lulz, so what. I want to personal — human — satisfaction of finishing a novel and this going through the querying process, even if that, unto itself, is going to be a real bitter struggle.

But I’m really enjoying developing and writing this novel and would like to think that, in the end, we’ll give a lot more cultural value to stories created by the humans relative to those created by AGI.

I often compare the situation to what is found in the Blade Runner universe where “real” animals have a lot more value that synthetic ones. I think the same dynamic will happen when it comes to stories.

That’s my belief, at least.