Month: January 2024

Haha…Oh Boy

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m drunk. Wasted, even. But having written a great deal of quality copy for the third draft of my first novel, I need to keep writing because of momentum, if nothing else.

So you get this.

I’m so obsessed with my Webstats that sometimes some very strange things happen that leave me scratching my head. I can never figure out if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that someone in Great Britain using what might be a burner phone is suddenly, out of the blue, VERY INTERESTED in me.

I’d like to think that it was a cool situation where someone was on location filming a Hollywood movie and they were using their burner phone to bone up on me cause I’m cool like that. It could be, of course, that someone thinks I’m crazy and they, too, are crazy and, well, there you go — they’re some kind of stalker.

Anyway. The point is — I’m very drunk at the moment. And very content. This is a fun situation because you just never know what creative thing will pop out when you’re writing a blog post too drunk to drive.

Ha!

But I fear I’m just a nobody that only stalkers or haters care about.

I Keep Fucking Forking This Novel As I Write The Third Draft

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Things are getting really, really good with this novel. I’m very pleased. But as I make my way yet again through the third draft’s first act, I keep subtly changing it so it forks.

This sucks.

But I’ve come up with a very interesting new take on the general story that I’ve been working on for years now. The thing about writing a novel is you sometimes find yourself asking yourself some pretty surreal questions. Like, for instance, if this or that sexual act is more “kinky.”

I have everything sorted out on that front — at least to my satisfaction — but I still have a little bit of concern that being so matter-of-fact about things is going to make people giggle.

This is an example of how different I am as a writer than Stieg Larsson. He was too often very dark and twisted whereas I have a far more sex-positive take on some of weird, freaky shit he broached.

That, by definition, makes for a very different type of story.

My biggest fear is, of course, that the novel just won’t be dark enough for its intended genre of mystery-thriller. But, I do keep forking it, so, who knows, by the time this third draft is in Beta, it might be a lot more dark.

Write, Write, Write

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I wrote a great deal this afternoon wasted as fuck. I realize that is not exactly the greatest writing philosophy, so I need to kind of chill out on that front. But this novel is getting really, really good.

I’m very pleased with what I’ve managed to come up with.

But there is one issue — I’ve kind of forked the novel AGAIN. The novel is getting a lot better, but now that it’s forked, I can’t just go through an edit things. I’m going to have to tinker and rewrite and restructure things, which will force me to slow down a great deal.

Which, of course, sucks.

I’m trying to speed through things as quickly as possible and all this fucking forking isn’t going to get me to my goal of finishing the third draft by April. I just don’t know what to tell you — I’m trying to make this novel as quickly as possible but it’s just one of those things.

I hate to admit it, but I’ve felt a lot more creative drunk.

As I’ve Said Before, If This Novel Is A Success, Hollywood Actresses Are Going To Dig It

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Hollywood actresses are a curious bunch. While there’s no easy equation that explains all of their psychology, in general — especially as they get older — such actresses love to run around emotionally and psychologically naked using their roles.

You do you, baby.

This causes “good girls” like Natalie Portman to play a stripper in Closer. This leads some actresses who are probably bi-sexual to play many, many lesbian roles where they get to pretend to fuck another woman under the guise of “acting!”

In short, a lot of Hollywood actresses are freaks — in a good way. More power to them.

My heroine looks a lot like a younger version of Nicole Scherzinger.

Anyway, I only bring this up because my novel has a number of character in it that I could see actresses loving. My heroine is a really complex woman who would allow them to bounce back and forth between being a professional journalists / publisher and being the owner of a strip club / occasional stripper.

Have I got a role for you!

Meanwhile, I have the “comic relief” character who is wide open sexually and keeps causing trouble for the more “serious” characters by how unwilling she is to abide by the traditional gender power dynamic.

But I am really getting ahead of myself. Way, way ahead of myself. I have to finish the fucking novel first. I’m really, really pleased with how things are going, but I still have to stop fucking DRIFTING towards my goal and actually buckle down and get some work done sooner rather than later.

Australia Is Having A Moment

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Occasionally, a nation will have a cultural “moment” on the global stage that just can’t be faked. Though, of course, the fact that the “Korea wave” was thought up by the IMF for Korea as a way to get more cash into their economy should be taken into consideration.

Australia’s G-Flip.

Anyway, I’ve noticed an uptick of great rock music coming out of Australia. I love pop-rock music, the type of music that used to populate the Top 40. The issue is, of course, that rock is no longer pop. So, as such, rock has pretty much gone underground.

Rock is dead, and all that.

And, yet, there are a several nations, including Great Britain, Sweden and, of course, Australia where good old pop-rock music is still thriving.

The fact that rock is no longer pop in the USA is very…frustrating and curious. Anyway, all I can say is keep an eye out on Australia. I suspect some pretty great pop culture is going to come from Down Under, in a way not seen since INXS and Men At Work.

I Really Need To Think About Women’s Reaction To My Heroine Being A Part-Time Stripper

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

A lot could go wrong with this novel. I definitely fear someone will steal a creative march on me, if for no other reason, I’m just taking too long. But there’s not much I can do about it. Rome wasn’t built in a day and it’s just taking me a lot longer than I thought to get as far as I have.

But what’s interesting to me is the very thing that makes this novel a bit…edgy…could also be what makes it a success. I am WELL AWARE that because of marketing and human nature that this very interesting situation I’ve come up with will probably be boiled down to, “stripper solves a murder mystery.”

Ugh. That’s not at all what’s going on, but, lulz, what can you do.

But I do think that my heroine is beginning to approach Lisbeth Salander levels of interesting. She could very well be something of an icon if I play my cards right. And the thing that I keep being reminded about is how the interplay between my heroine’s “normal” life of owning an alternative weekly and her “alternative life” of owning a strip club / stripping to relax is something I need to lean into if I’m going to introduce the idea in the first place.

That’s what people — especially women willing to humor me by reading the damn novel in the first place — are going to want to see the most of.

The daydream issue of how Hollywood might address this novel occasionally gives me pause for thought. The obvious way to market the movie is something along the line of the old Pam Anderson movie “Barbwire.”

Double ugh.

The point of the story is not the T&A element of the story, but that by heroine is a woman who has sexual agency and self confidence enough that she is able to be a stripper to relax without giving it much thought.

It’s everyone else — especially horny men — who are the problem.

Anyway, I continue to work my way through the first act of the third draft AGAIN. Hopefully, this time, I will still have momentum enough to make my way through the second and third acts when the time comes.

I’m Grateful For What I Have

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Driving around tonight, I was stunned by how many homeless people there were, even in my rural area. Since I’m always coming up with story ideas, I came up with one whereby in the tradition of the movie “Something Wild” some guy randomly picks a homeless woman to help her get out of the cold and she totally takes over his life.

Anyway.

I’m very, very grateful to have heat in this extreme cold. I mean, it’s REALLY FUCKING COLD outside. How anyone could survive out there, I don’t know. And, yet, what the fuck am I going to do about it?

I can’t just let random homeless people squat in my house. So, here I am, feeling bad in my warm abode. But, I have to say again, I’m very grateful that I have a home to live in.

The thing I’m really worried about is how severe income inequality can cause social instability. Yikes. I also kind of half-worry that I might be out there in the cold myself next year this time because I’ll be a political domestic refugee after a revolution / civil war takes place.

Ok, I Get It, Emma Stone

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

In an effort to expose myself to some creativity, I went to see “Poor Things.” Or, should I say, I TRIED to see the movie. I left after a few minutes because it was just not very entertaining to me.

Or, put it another way, the moment I realized what was going on with the movie, I bounced. Rather than tell a story that was actually engaging, the movie was Oscar bait for Emma Stone. Also, I understood why (apparently) there’s so much T&A in the movie — the movie is obviously a passion project for Stone and she felt that the only way to get the movie produced was to get nekkid so people would go specifically to see her T&A.

This. Happens. All. The. Time. In. Hollywood.

Especially with older actresses.

The movie was fine, for what it was, but the moment I had the meta elements of the movie figured out, I had better things to do — like work on my novel.

‘Brace For Impact’ — #lyrics to a Techno Dance Pop Song

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Well, this one is pretty good. I see this one as a techno / EDM / dance pop song like something Sia might sing. This is just the basic concept, it would take a professional producer to actually make a song out of it.

Brace For Impact
lyrics by @sheltgarner
please give credit if you produce or perform

BRACE BRACE BRACE
HEADS DOWN STAY DOWN

BRACE BRACE BRACE
HEADS DOWN STAY DOWN

BRACE BRACE BRACE
HEADS DOWN STAY DOWN

we’re headed for disaster
it’s heading our no where left to go
prepare yourself on the dance floor
we all know the score

BRACE BRACE BRACE
HEADS DOWN STAY DOWN

BRACE BRACE BRACE
HEADS DOWN STAY DOWN

BRACE BRACE BRACE
HEADS DOWN STAY DOWN

call your loved ones
tell them the truth
ready to kiss our dreams
we know what is next
the beat will grab us
like by the waist

BRACE BRACE BRACE
HEADS DOWN STAY DOWN

BRACE BRACE BRACE
HEADS DOWN STAY DOWN

BRACE BRACE BRACE
HEADS DOWN STAY DOWN

(bridge)
never you fear dear
I’ll take it from here
get ready for some exciment
when the beat drops yet again

BRACE BRACE BRACE
HEADS DOWN STAY DOWN

BRACE BRACE BRACE
HEADS DOWN STAY DOWN

BRACE BRACE BRACE
HEADS DOWN STAY DOWN

Of Course

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Now, let me be clear — I’m notorious for taking a little bit of information and running with it. But there is, at least, a scenario whereby Saturday Night Live uses the “hook” of how fucking cold it was in Iowa for the caucuses to have a sketch with Unfrozen Caveman Governor Ron DeSantis.

Makes sense to me, at least. I don’t quite know what I would do if something I predicted actually happened for once. I might faint from excitement and joy.

But I’m really, really grasping at straws on this one. I’m know to make shit up. I suppose only time will tell, huh.

I would get a woman cast member to play “Tiny-D” in caveman make up, given how short he is, relative to how tall he should be to run for POTUS.