Month: July 2022

‘Dreaming Is Free’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m not getting any younger. And, in fact, something pretty dramatic will have to happen pretty soon for me not to simply continue to drift in oblivion until I shuffle off this mortal coil.

Me, when I was a man on fire on Seoul.

But stranger things have happened, as they say.

I could sell this novel I’m working on and it become a huge success so I finally have the cash I need to make some of my many dreams come true. Or, I could fall into some cash and finally have enough to buy the photographic equipment I need to start a career in fashion photography. Or, far, far, far, far, far less likely, I could win the lottery one day. (Talk about dreaming being free!)

Anyway, in a sense, it’s just sad that I’m 20 years too old to make my dreams come true. Because I know that if you plopped me in New York City or LA that I would become quite well known pretty quick. NYC would be a lot more difficult than LA because the metrics by which success are measured are so brutal. You can’t simply schmooze your way to success in NYC like you can in LA. You need actual success, a lot of money, good looks and, in the case of being a man, a huge cock. (They called him Mr. Big for a reason, don’t you know.)

My late partner in crime while in Seoul, Annie Shapiro and me back at the height of ROKon Magazine’s success.

But the thing that for a number of years has made me very unhappy is I learned a lot about the “meta” of running a publication when I did ROKon Magazine in Seoul. I know, just know, that given any sort of opportunity that I could change the world.

This type of talk is boring now, after all these days. If I think I’m so great and wonderful, why don’t I simply save up the money to go to NYC or LA and put my theory to the test.

That, of course, is what I should do.

The first issue of ROKon Magazine.

But I suppose there are a number of different reasons why I haven’t — to date — done this. One is, I would want to land in NYC on my own terms. So, trying to be a fashion photographer in NYC is something I think I could probably pull off — but I also would want the proper equipment to do it right. Add to this that I’m 20 years too old to start any of this and I’m something of an eccentric when it comes to what I’m willing to do for money and…well, there you go.

I suppose if you were being a dick about it, you could say that all my talk about pulling of another ROKon Magazine, only in NYC or LA says more about me continuing to grieve over what happened with the magazine than any statement on my ability.

I just know that I learned so much about the meta of running of media company while in Seoul that it’s a shame that I probably will never get to use it — ever. And if that happens, it’s going to be my own damn fault.

Well, That Was Quick

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

As I’ve said repeatedly before, I’m obsessed with my Webstats. Sometimes, people come to this site in an inexplicable manner that leaves me scratching my head. Usually, because I’m a nobody living in oblivion, there is some rhyme or reason to why someone pops up in my Webstats.

Yes, I have a few stalkers — apparently — but generally, people are searching for something (usually civil war scenarios) and appear in my Webstats. It’s when there’s “no referring link” that I find myself curious.

This happened tonight when someone popped up from Brooklyn of all places to look at my tongue-in-cheek post about dating Emily Ratajkowski after winning the $1 billion Mega Millions.

How did someone from Brooklyn out of the blue discover that post? It’s all very curious. I guess I should be thankful that they didn’t use the Internet Archive to rummage through this Website without even letting me know where they were coming from at all.

Whatever. Lulz. Nothing matters.

The Truth About Showbiz

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The Big Lie about showbiz is the that the people we come to accept as “famous” have some “It Factor” that makes them more interesting than anyone else and, as such, deserving of being famous instead of us.

To a limited extent, this is true.

There is the occasional starlet or actress that pops up out of the blue and becomes huge. But, I hate to break it to you, a solid 90% of people who make in showbiz are “nepotism babies.” When you look the up on Wikipedia, their family has a lot of blue links.

So, in reality, millions of people are talented, interesting and could very well be at the Met Gala talking to Emma Chamberlain….if they had some pre-existing connection to showbiz.

I don’t know if this should make you feel good or bad. It sucks to be poor, is all I can tell you at the moment.

Drunk Rambling About Why I Could Start An Influential Publication Given The Opportunity

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m currently pleasantly drunk. So drunk, in fact, that I find myself musing idly about how I have the “magic sauce” necessary to start the next Spy Magazine or Gawker.

My favorite ROKon Magazine cover.

Now, in a sense, this is so boring that I hate writing about it. It’s not like I’m ever going to have the money to what I suggest. But, as I mentioned, I am fucking drunk and so here we are — talking nonsense.

The key thing is when I believe in something, I believe in it absolutely. And I love gathering people together to form a “tribe” of “pirates” hell bent on putting a dent in the universe.

If I could somehow find myself in New York City with a stable living situation, money and access to the subway I feel reasonably sure that I would at least be the most well known person in my borough, if nothing else. I’m 100% extroverted and I do have a way of meeting famous people when given the opportunity.

Now, of course, LA probably would probably be better for me. And I wouldn’t mind living there. My heart is a New Yorker, while logically I know I probably would be better off in LA since it’s based on schmoozing and storytelling.

But if I could just be given a chance, I could change the world. If I was able to pay some writers — or, even just get someone to start a podcast with me — I have a big enough ego to think that maybe, just maybe, I could put a move on the audience to great success.

Of course, this might happen, but it’s going to happen after I sell a novel and it’s a huge success.

Otherwise — lulz.

My Sure Fire Plan To Woo Emily Ratajkowski

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Ok, so here I am, a broke ass motherfucker with dreams of dating the most beautiful woman in the world at the moment, Emily Ratajkowski. But how to pull it off?

Here’s my plan.

  1. Win the $1 billion Mega Millions Lottery
  2. Fly to New York City and plot
  3. Send her a dozen red roses every day
  4. Change everything about myself
  5. “Accidently” run into her everywhere Mr. Big Style
  6. Take her out for Korean BBQ and seal the deal at a noraebang.
  7. Live happily ever after!

    All kidding aside, I honestly really do like her. Though I find it rather skeezy on her part the whole “don’t pay my rent” issue she was going through until recently. But I do like how political she is and she is, at least to relative to my world view, The Best Looking Woman In The World.

    As an aside, I would buy her Treats! issue, but it’s so explicit — if great — that if anyone discovered it they would think I was an even bigger creepy weirdo than they already do.

That One Time Alexa ‘It Girl’ Chung Met Emma ‘It Girl’ Chamberlain At The Met Gala

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m so old, and Emma Chamberlain is so young that I’ve been actively avoiding writing about her. But I’m drunk at the moment and so, as such, I’ve decided to YOLO it and write about the amusing moment when Alexa Chung met Ms. Chamberlain at this year’s Met Gala.

What’s so amusing to me is there was definitely some awkward hostility between the two It Girls. It was like the passing of the torch from one It Girl Era to another It Girl Era.

Both women are gorgeous and witty, but as an Old, I have to give Ms. Chung credit for being the wittier of the two. It will be interesting to see what happens to her if the head of British Vogue, Edward Enninful, somehow manages to out American Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour.

Anyway, both women are lovely. I just thought it was amusing that they were forced to meet each other like American It Girl anti-matter to British It Girl matter.

Watch Me Be An Old: A Hot Take On Sara Underwood & Playboy

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m finally reaching the age where I have some perspective on the ebb and flow of history and, more specifically, pop culture. Way back when, when dinosaurs ruled the earth I remember being a big fan of the Playboy aesthetic.

E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo) 2011 – at the Los Angeles Convention Center, Los Angeles, CA, USA

Yes, I’m well aware of that that says about me now in this “woke” era, but there was a moment in time around 30 years ago when Playboy was, in fact, cool. Even earlier, in the late 60s and early 70s, there was the Playboy Afterhours Show which was really, really cool.

The point of this is, there was once an era where if you were a smoking hot babe in Middle America without the money to go to college, that you could hitch a ride to Chicago or, later, LA, and maybe figure out a way to get yourself within the pages of Playboy. And, if that was still the case, Emily Ratajkowski would probably be a modern day Pamela Anderson — if she went blonde, of course.

I am fucking well aware of the extremely dark elements of all of this and that I’m romanticizing some pretty shitty things done at the hands of Hugh Hefner. But, when I was a young man, that was all we knew about, was the gauzy, stylized Playboy esthetic.

A more recent picture of Ms. Underwood.

One gorgeous young woman who was able to use Playboy to get what she wanted is Sara Underwood. The interesting thing about Ms. Underwood is she was always hot, but it wasn’t until much later that she got hot, hot. Like stunner hot.

She’s gotten a huge amount of work done, to great effect. And, from what I can tell, she’s pretty much living a normal life in…a tiny house? But, I will note, that she was in a fast food commercial once with none other than another dime piece, Emily Ratajkowski.

Anyway, it’s interesting to me that the otherwise stunning Ms. Underwood doesn’t have a bigger media footprint.

Oh well. I’m old.

Is Victoria Silvstedt Literally Ageless?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Ok, this one has me stumped. I remember, as a young man, 30 years ago in the…gulp…90s…being a fan of Victoria Silvstedt. She was a real stunner. And, yet, if I calculate in my mind how old she is, there’s no possible way she’s not about my age.

I have no idea when this picture of Victoria Silvstedt was taken, but she still pretty much looks like this today.

And, yet, I see what I presume to be recent pictures of her and I’m taken aback by how timeless she looks. She literally looks identical to who she was 30 years ago.

Now, what I think is happening is she has always worn her very blonde hair over her face and, as such, any signs of age that might have happened to her are hidden there.

And, of course, there’s no way that woman hasn’t had a massive amount of work done. But I have to give her credit — the work that she’s gotten done keeps her timeless.

Wow. Just, wow.

All Fascists Are Just Cowardly Crybaby Bullies At Heart

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Ok, here’s the thing. For all of our good natured fun at the expensive of malignant goober Sen. Josh Hawley, he is one decision away from being extremely close to being POTUS.

If Trump decides to pass over completely insane people like Mike Flynn, or people who would make him feel better like Ivanka, he could very well pick Hawley to be his veep.

If that happens, Hawley is all but assured to be America’s Putin. He’s young enough that 30 years from now — Speaker Hawley will continue to rule America with an iron fist, serving as the autocrat behind any number of puppet presidents. That’s the type of shenanigans that autocratic states tend to do. They fuck with their Constitutions so they can be in power forever, even though the Constitution says they can’t.

I will note, however, that I once read a biography of Sen. Huey Long that said right before he was murdered, he was a big old coward. I don’t remember exactly what he did, but in the process of being assassinated, he did not exactly acquit himself in a manly fashion.

The point is — lulz, nothing matters. We’re either going to become an autocracy, or we’re going to have a civil war. There is no middle ground. That’s it, those are are two choices. I suppose you might also say that there’s a third choice — military junta — but that’s extremely debatable.

We’re fucked. We’re totally, completely fucked. Get out while you still can. At this point, it’s really up to Trump who America’s Putin will turn out to be. I still think it’s at least possible weirdo Mike Flynn might be it. But I also know that Trump has expressed a lot of support for Hawley in the past as well.

It will be interesting to see who Trump picks to finish the job he started.

Gutfeld! — The Decline & Fall Of The American Republic In Humor

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Jesus H. Christ. If you want any indication of how fucked up America is right now, how we’re careening towards a “Fourth Turning,” look no further than the popularity of Fox News’ shitty “comedy” show “Gutfeld!”

Now, I’m not getting paid to write any of this so I’ve done no research other than that one time I was forced to watch some of the so-called comedy show when a conservative relative came to visit my house.

But what I saw of this shitty show was just dumb. It wasn’t funny. All the “jokes” were dad jokes that your MAGA uncle might tell at the Thanksgiving dinner table in an effort to troll his crunchy granola lesbian niece with blue hair and “they / them” pronouns.

And, yet, this show is popular. Apparently, really popular.

The fact that Reds are so absolutely desperate for humor that goes after “libtards” that they are making Gutfeld! a hit is very, very alarming. When Red and Blue can no longer even laugh at the same things, the country is on its last legs.

Get ready, though, when the US is an autocratic state, I’m going to wait for Gutfeld to replace Stephen Colbert.