September 2021 – Page 13 – The Trumplandia Report

Parasocial Cat People: Of The John Mulaney & Olivia Munn Discourse

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Not since the “Cat Person” discourse have we seen everyone have a hot take on a pop news event. It’s just about the right time of year for it, so here we are. First, let me say I wish the couple the best and I expect them to have a very hot, very funny child.

The way things are going, there should be a “SNL Babies” cartoon on the show about the hilarious hijinks of SNL cast members high-profile babies. Rug Rats meets Ambiguously Gay Duo, if you will.

But back to today’s baby daddy discourse.

From what I’ve read, Olivia Munn is not some sort of crazed stalker woman who got pregnant to keep Mulvaney locked into her life for 18 years. Something about that particular Barstool Sports hot take is kind of…uh…racist? Seems to me, Munn sort of had love at first sight and when the opportunity came, it happend. Mulvaney seems very happy and so what’s the problem? Munn dates A-list Hollywood men and Mulvaney is, maybe, a solid B-. So it seems like a win-win for everyone.

A guy she really digs is now her baby daddy and Mulvaney has a preemo ladyfriend in his life for the foreseeable future. They’re both really funny and everyone’s happy so…what’s the big deal? And in passing, I would note that Mulvaney’s interview on Late Night was dark, funny and cathartic. Made for great TV, if nothing else.

Some of the intensity of this discourse, of course, comes from how a lot of people have become invested in Mulvaney’s public persona. “Parasocial” is a term I’ve seen a lot for this particular situation. I can’t think of a single living celebrity I have a parasocial relationship with. I’m the main character in my story, or at least try to be, for better or worse.

Though, to be fair, as I’ve grown older, I have come to believe that the reason why parasocial relationships exists with some celebrities is it’s kind of how our reality is constructed. It’s no different than the Greeks looking up the stars and thinking up stories about the goings-on on Mount Olympus. All those stories likely said more about real life sexual shenanigan than what was going on in the heavens.

But I will again note that all this Mulvaney drama happened just after he swooped in to give SNL bad boy Pete Davidson some avuncular guidance. It seems as though maybe instead looking into the abyss of Davidson’s life and seeing it as a warning, Mulvaney said, “I’d like to try that out!”

I find myself liking Munn more because of all of this. She seems like a lot of fun. It’s a great story to tell, in the sense that Mulvaney gives nerds like me hope that one day they can snag a beautiful, funny woman who one got nailed by Christ Pine!

I guess this was the fun little story I was looking forward to this year. Now back to my hysterical “doom shit” about the prospect of a civil war in January 2025.

Burn Hollywood Burn: Somebody Put Emily Ratajkowski in A Remake of ’10’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’ve written about this before, but I feel like ranting about it again — we’ve been through Covid, we deserve to see Emily Ratajkowski play the Bo Derek role in a remake of the Dudley Moore classic “10.” The two women are both stunning and both of them have the, “What, you think I’m hot?” type personality that audiences love.

I’m not saying she can act — we have proof that she’s not all that great in “Gone Girl.” But I’d pay $10 bucks to see her ask Seth Rogen, “Have you ever done it to Bolero?” It’s the part she was born to play. She’s extremely laid back and extremely sex-positive — just like Bo Derek — so Ms. Ratajkowski could knock this specific role out of the park.

Double dees, double dees, as they once said on SNL.

Why Seth Meyers Is My Top Pick To Replace Lorne Michaels At SNL

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

So, it appears as though 2025 is going to be the end of an era — and the beginning of a new one — for SNL. It will be the show’s 50th anniversary, and, if Lorene Michaels is to be believed, he’s retiring from the show that year as well.

I have long thought that Tina Fey would be the perfect person to take the show into its second 50 years. Of course, Kenan Thompson is probably the best pick to get the gig but for one thing — he just comes across as way too nice. Even though he’s been at the show about 20 years, does he have it in him to herd the cats of SNL? I could see him being given a largely ceremonial role as “Executive Producer” at the show — he would do the “Lorne Michaels”-type gags the show has had since the beginning, while someone else would actually knock heads behind the scenes to get the show done every week.

While Tina Fey would be ideal, maybe the allure of Hollywood would remain too strong for her to spend all her time running SNL? As such, the one person who could do the job for the next 20 or 30 years is Seth Meyers.

He’s doing a great job at Late Night, but he’s sort of languishing there. Why not give him the job he was born to do — run SNL? That would open up the Late Night gig and you could put a woman or minority or minority woman in the slot to placate “woke” Twitter. I think he already has some producing experience with Documentary Now! Or not. Not sure about that.

Anyway, we’ll see I guess.

I’m On ‘Team Oulaney:’ All My Heroes Are Dead

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

What the fuck happened between Pete Davidson and John Mulaney? Is it possible that there was some sort of drug Freaky-Friday curse put on Mulvaney when he decided to slow Davidson down? It definitely seem as though it’s at least possible that Davidson didn’t exactly have the greatest influence on “square” Mulvaney.

I say this in the context of how some people on Twitter are freaking out about Mulvaney being…human? I don’t do drugs, but I do know what it’s like to be “pickled” from drinking too much. It’s not a fun experience. It’s like being the funniest guy in the room all the time — to yourself. I don’t know about you, but all my heroes — celebrity or otherwise — are dead. I typically don’t worship someone still alive. You do you, Mulvaney.

Anyway, SNL has become a regular celebrity romance mash pit of late. It boggles my mind the number of high-profile celebrity couples have been flung off from the show. It definitely makes you think about not-so-downlow power that Lorne Michaels has within the showbiz community.

It’s just a TV show, people.

I wish Mulvaney all the best, however in his new role as celebrity baby daddy. Olivia Munn is a smoking hot babe. (Who, incidentally, is among several Asian American Hollywood stars who would be great to play in a Hollywood adaptation one of protagonists of one of the four novels I’m currently developing and writing simultaneously.)

Second American Civil War Scenario #4: A Creative 2023 Coup Attempt

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

While I spend a lot of my time pointing to January 2025 as the most likely moment in time that the United States might buckle into a “hot” civil war, there is another January that might be just as bad: that of January 2023.

As I keep saying, America’s political system is so rotten, so fucked up that literally the only thing holding everything together is we’re kind of in an Era of Meh. Biden believes in the norms and principles of a liberal democracy such as ours and no unexpected thunderbolt has put undo pressure on the system.

But — and this is a big but — we have the looming 2022 midterms to worry about.

There are a number of different ways this could play out, but the one that is at the forefront of my mind is the totally bonkers — but totally on-brand — ploy on Trump’s part to get himself third to the presidency by becoming Speaker of the House. He would like this idea because he would be in charge of any impeachment proceedings that took place AND all he would have to do is just show up to be named Speaker.

Now, I know, I KNOW this sounds like my usual “hysterical doom shit,” and given that Trump has proven himself such a fucking idiot that he can’t do even the most basic of autocratic plays, this may be just something that people like me worry about while “normal” people raise their grandkids and think of the next concert they’re going to.

So, it’s very possible I’ll be wrong AGAIN about Trump.

But it is very easy to imagine Trump becoming Speaker, impeaching both Biden and Harris and then inciting violence on the part of the MAGA New Right to such an extent that Senate Democrats feel forced to convict them “for the sake of the nation.”

Then Trump comes back early and we’re right back where we started from in January 2021, with Trump demanding to stay in office forever because of “lost time.”

And, yet, it’s possible that what got us into a civil war in the late 2022 – early 2023 timeframe would not be anything as creative as Trump being named Speaker. It could be that when it become clear that Republicans on a local level will nullify any election they don’t like, then, lulz, all hell will break loose. And we have a civil war not in early 2025, but early 2023.

And, yet, I’m being “hysterical.” Even though everything I see points to our current political limbo being untenable. We’re all going to face an existential choice between now and January 2025.

Do you have a passport?

Why I’ve Chosen Photography, Rather Than Screenwriting, As My Creative ‘Second Track’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Being a kook without any friends, you pay a social tax of sorts. People like me thrash around far, far longer than need be because we simply don’t have anyone to give us any advice. And, yet, there is a specific instance where this is helpful: when you decide to randomly do something because you feel its the best for you.

But given how messy the process of getting to the point where you know what you want to do is, people who are “normal” think you’re an idiot at best and a crank at worst. They just don’t take you seriously because you don’t meet the metrics of the “normal” world.

Or, to put another way, “It’s a creative thing, you wouldn’t understand.”

Anyway, for some time now, I’ve been very publicly and very conspicuously been thrashing around, looking for a second creative “track” to supplement my main track of writing a four novel series. A normal person, say, one with a significant other, would have probably either kept quiet about all this or have far less lofty goals.

But I’m old enough to know who I am. I’m 100% extroverted and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing with my life. I can’t just “follow the rules” because I have no fucking clue with the fucking rules are. And, gentle reader, the concept of “personal responsibility” to me is bullshit. In general, the phrase in my experience is a code word for being racist. The absolute need for people to take “personal responsibility” doesn’t account for what do you do when there are things out of your control? That aren’t your responsibility? Then what? What are the fucking rules for that?

The net result of all of this is actual, normal adults think I’m a fool. They grow tired of my dreams because it seems like I do a lot of talking and not a lot of hard work. So, when things suddenly change, they are shocked that I actually had it in me.

But back to (fashion) photography.

Photography, along with being a pop-rock DJ, is organic to my personality. The thing that has stopped me from doing anything with my photographic ability has been a lack of, well, equipment. I’ve been so wrapped up in buying books for the novels I’m working on that I’ve not thought much about anything else.

But, recently, as I’ve grown frustrated with the slow pace of the novels, I decided I wanted a second track. I first thought it was going to be screenwriting. And, yet, there’s a problem.

First, the learning curve for screenwriting is so severe that I would have to draw a lot — maybe all — of my energy away from my main track of working on the novels. That’s just not something I’m prepared to do.

So, after a lot of conspicuous thrashing about with different options, I’ve finally settled on photography as my second track because I have an organic ability and I’m using a totally different part of my mind to tell stories in a different way. What’s more I have a real passion for photography.

The only thing standing in my way at the moment is I’m very fucking stubborn and want to buy the best possible camera I can. I don’t really have anything to take pictures of — there’s no rush — so I’m content to bide my time while I save up the money necessary to get the camera I think would be best for me for the type of photography I want to engage in.

But, as I mentioned, the process of getting to this point has left anyone paying attention thinking I’m a (drunk) (bonkers) fool who is all talk and can be safely ignored.

And, yet, as I like to say, I’ll put a move on you.

‘will the USA end up in civil war 2021’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Short answer: No.

Long Answer: Maybe. But it’s a lot more complicated than you might think. The MAGA New Right at this point just as an abstract belief that given that civil war is the worst thing they can think of, that that’s what’s going to happen sooner rather than later.

But beyond that, what exactly they expect to have happen is rather fuzzy.

All the typical MAGA New Right person knows is, in general terms, liberals are “driving them” to radicalization and violence. In other words, if only liberals would “leave them alone” they would have no reason to have such dark thoughts about a civil war that would bomb us all back to the stone age.

For there to be a civil war in 2021 as opposed to, say, January 2025, there would have be a pretty big political event that would push us into crisis. And from what I can tell of the web searches that bring people to this site, often times people seem to think more in terms of a populist MAGA New Right revolution than a state-level civil war.

This is a notion that I really struggle with. What the fuck are they hearing that would lead them to believe MAGA New Right people are going to simply, en masse rise up and over throw the government. This is very bonkers given the entire Republican organization is anti-democratic and will likely force the issue around January 2025 when a MAGA controlled Congress simply nullifies any Biden re-election.

There’s something going on that I don’t understand because I’m not involved in the MAGA New Right bullshit echo chamber. What I THINK is happening is, Far Right wing “thought leaders” have begun to babble about civil war / revolution happening NOW and that has people thinking about that to the point that they search for information about such things and end up at this site. The ironic thing being, of course, that we both have some pretty dark things on our minds, but coming from the exact opposite political directions.

What I fear, they hope for, in other words.

I fear a civil war, they want one so they have the opportunity to have some sort of liberal “final solution.”

And make no mistake, there are a number of things bouncing around the Far Right wing bullshit echo chamber that have led such people to believe a civil war could happen RIGHT NOW. One of them is the Cyber Ninjas recount bullshit in Arizona. On Twitter, at least, they never come out and say it — that they want to violently over throw the government if the Cyber Ninjas “prove” Trump “won” the state…but that sure is the implication of all their bonkers Waiting For Godot.

So, back to the question — could we have an actual civil war in the United States in 2021? A domestic 9/11-level type event would have to happen in such a way that states began to leave the Union for anything close to that to start happening this year.

Even then, Ii struggle to figure out what, specifically, could cause states to want to leave the Union after such a severe domestic terrorist attack. Just seems like if there’s going to be a civil war in the United States that isn’t in January 2025, it will be somehow connected to the 2022 mid-term certification instead.

So, in general, I understand — some degree — why people keep searching for a civil war happening in the United States in 2021, I struggle to think of anything, in concrete terms, that would cause one to happen.

Maybe in 2023 or 2025, though.

Emily! We Liked Your Old Nose — Your Flaw Was Part Of Your Beauty

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Ugh. Emily Ratajkowski and her nose job. Ms. Ratajkowski, is, in my opinion, the best looking woman working as a professional model today. She’s smart, “woke” and fucking drop dead gorgeous.

But I have a minor beef with her — she fixed her nose.

The thing about it is, she fixed her ever-so-slightly flawed nose late enough in the game that I came to associate it with her. Overall, she was The Body (and The Face) in my mind and she had that tiny little flaw of a ever-so-slightly bent nose.

It gave her face just a tick of personality to an otherwise otherworldly beauty. Now, she’s still an industrial strength beauty, but there seems to be something missing.

In passing, Ms. Ratajkowski has got to have the most languid of personalities. She’s so laid back she’s barely cognizant. But lulz, no one cares what have to say.

Ode To A Muse: Christy Turlington

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m of an age where my frame of reference for beauty is the supermodels of the 80s and 90s. And, for some reason of all the astonishing beauties of that age, the one that really caught my eye was always Christy Turlington.

What’s more, from the pictures I’ve seen of her recently, she’s still fucking got it. She’s incredibly beautiful. Stunning. Gorgeous.

Anyway, Ms. Turlington is my Venus. Something about the severe nature of her beauty is timeless. If just the mere existence of that high a form of natural art doesn’t make one want to take pictures, I don’t know know what will.

Panic! On The Middle Aged Dance Floor

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Oh good God, do I need to wrap something up sooner rather than later. I have four good-to-great novels I’m working on and I keep spinning my wheels when it comes to the specifics.

I think, honestly, that what’s going on is a form of the dreaded writer’s block. But, in this case, it’s not that I don’t know what to write, it’s that I write all this really good copy and…then throw it out because it’s not perfect. It doesn’t fit the exact vision I have in my mind.

And this repeats over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over for months and…gulp…years. So, starting today, I’m going to do something radical — I’m not starting at the beginning anymore.

I have much of the first novel mapped out with an outline. So, I’m going to pick random chapters in the outline and write them out. I may, for the sake of some sort of overall vision, start to write from the midpoint and finish the second half of the novel to force myself to finish the novel.

That’s all I got. That’s the Hail Mary Pass move I’m going to finish this first novel so I can finish all four novels by my birthday in February. I feel so embarrassed that I’ve been talking about these novels for years now and I have nothing to show for it.

But, to be fair, some of that comes from I doubled the project on the fly because I felt it was absolutely necessary.

Anyway. At least I have some sort of strategy as to get myself out of this very annoying hole. Wish me luck.

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