Month: November 2020

‘ATM’ — A Gift For Ariana Grande #Lyrics


Ariana Grande loves, loves, LOVES dirty songs. From “Side to Side” to her latest jam which is about 69ing, there’s no sexual position or activity she wants to avoid talking about in no-so-subtle ways. So, here’s the stepping off point for a new dirty song for her. I used Janelle Monae’s duet with Miguel “Primetime” to give me some sort of beat structure. Please ignore if you’re a producer and can think of something better. But I thought of this concept and couldn’t stop thinking about it. And, in all honesty, I only write lyrics like this to see if anyone with a cool domain name pops up in my Webstats.

ATM
Lyrics By Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner
Please give credit if you produce or perform

being in line with you is sublime
waiting for you make change
gotta go to the ATM
see if you’ll smile
when I’m around the corner

ATM is what I’m talking about
when you need to make a dash
for some extra cash
just go to the
ATM ATM ATM

not everyone knows your PIN
but when I’m touching you
I’m always a star
your sun shines bright
even when it’s bleached white’

ATM is what I’m talking about
when you need to make a dash
for some extra cash
just go to the
ATM ATM ATM

(bridge)
the ATM may closed
but my fingers know the score
when I hit the spot
I lick until you’re a rock

ATM is what I’m talking about
when you need to make a dash
for some extra cash
just go to the
ATM ATM ATM

Our Very American Coup Isn’t Over Yet


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

It ain’t over folks. Trump still believes he can somehow win. But now the risk of a violent civil war is significantly greater should he manager to pull off what he wants — a “political 9/11.”

Here’s what we have to look forward to.

Legislative Nullification
In this crisis happens after Republican-dominated legislators simply refuse to do their job, even if it’s against the law or they have no right to do it. They simply nullify Biden’s win by either throwing up their hands in faux confusion or name their OWN MAGA Electors. This. Could. Still Happen. This will happen they’ve been coaxed and browbeaten by Rudy’s disinformation campaign within Newsmax-OANN bullshit chamber. Remember, the point of THIS would be to throw the disputed Electors to Congress where the law is so poorly written that it would go to SCOTUS and Trump would win.

Elector Intimidation Crisis
If we get past the Certification Nullification Crisis, we have Trump freak out and attempt to appeal personally to the Electors themselves. He may even alternate good cop – bad cop with Jr. Jr. doxes Electors on Twitter, while Trump himself invites them all to a 48 hour retreat to Camp David. Everybody got a price. Everybody got a family. Electors are humans. They are no different.

SCOTUS coup
If Rudy pulled this gambit off, this would really be an honest-to-God-coup. As I understand it, there’s a case making its way up the judicial chain of command to SCOTUS. It’s a procedural case with no evidence other than, “We’ll give it to you when we get to SCOTUS.” So, I guess the thinking is, if they can simply get something, ANYTHING in front of SCOTUS then someone like, say, Bill Barr could potentially swoop in with new “evidence” that would allow Trump to be handed the election outright. The issue is, that’s not how any of this works, so if it DOES work, then that’s a coup and a rather brazen one. In other words, all the law-types saying what I propose isn’t even applicable are right — but so am I.

Trump’s January Freak Out
If all this doesn’t work out then things get REALLY UGLY. Trump could just go insane because he can’t process leaving office and potentially going to jail. There is a spectrum of things that could happen. From the benign — he quits after pardoning himself, to The END: Trump snaps and starts a war with Iran. Mike Pompeo thinks Trump is the anti-Christ and this is last chance to force the Rapture by having a literal Battle of Armageddon. This would probably happen when Pompeo gets Israel to strike Iran first, they strike back at Israel and then bang! end of the world. Sadly, no Jesus Christ returning, just The End of Human Civilization.

And, remember, as I keep saying, Rudy’s gambit is all tactical. They just want to “not lose.” They have no idea what happens if they actually get away with all this bullshit. But if do manage to pull off a “political 9/11” at this point then were will be a violent civil war and / or revolution and potentially The End of everything. Like, that would be it. Human civilization would be ended because of Trump personally via WW3 when America is “disposed” during its implosion.

The Curious Connection Between Busta Rhymes’ ‘Gimme Some Mo’ & Basement Jaxx’s ‘Smoke Bubbles’


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Has anyone else noticed the connection between this song:

And THIS song.

I didn’t do Google search, but if you listen to the background of Smoke Bubbles about, maybe, 2/3rds of the way through, you hear in the background the sound that is fucking IDENTICAL to the iconic wooo–wOOOO–wooOOOooo of Gimmie Some Mo.

If I wasn’t so indifferent, I’d figure out which song came first then figure out who took from whom. I guess that’s why I’m a failed reporter who couldn’t get an internship at Vox. It’s possible that what I’m hearing is the performers share producers or something — again, just looking at the songs’ Wikipedia entry would solve this mystery, maybe.

What Is Wrong With You People (Who Want A Second American Civil War)


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I just don’t get people who actually want a Second American Civil War. Talk about the dumbest timeline! If you have a political belief that causes you to want not only mass murder but the potential end of human civilization through a World War 3, maybe you need to rethink what you believe.

The issue is — once a civil war started in the United States two thing would happen. One, the two sides would grow significantly more radical and would likely steal WMD from American military bases. The other is, the entire post-World War 2 liberal order would collapse and WW3 would begin.

So, yeah.

It seems as though what people who want a civil war want is to be able to wave a wand where they don’t have to worry about being “canceled” for just being conservative. Or something. They simply can not accept how fast America is changing on social issues and so they would rather risk the lives of millions than accept, say, gay marriage or the sexual agency of women. That’s kind of deep. But I guess if all you do is watch Newsmax and OANN, then there’s not much else you can expect.

I am obsessed with my Webstats and it definitely seems as though a lot of Southern cocksuckers really do think “the South will rise again.” Speaking as a New South Southerner — grow up, you idiots. Accept the modern world. I can’t help that you’re in too invested in the MAGA personality death cult.

Do I think there’s going to be a civil war? I honestly don’t know. But I will say if Rudy’s SCOTUS gambit works at this late date or if some idiot blows something up in protest to a Biden Administration, all bets are off. Anything, but anything is possible.

The Influence Of Stieg Larsson On My Novel


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

If you were to have asked me a decade ago what novel I saw myself writing, I would have said some sort of scifi novel. But here I am, working on a thriller in the style of Stieg Larsson’s The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I, of course, am actually using his The Girl Who Played With Fire as my “textbook.”

The only reason why this happened is I love The Girl Who Played With Fire so much that I can read it over and over and over and over and over and over and not get bored. The ironic thing is I haven’t even read it all the way through that much. I just read the first 50-100 pages a lot as part of my “study.” Larsson, in some ways, was far more ambitious in his structure than I am.

My novel is going to be a lot more straightforward in its structure. I just don’t know squat about police procedurals and was never that good a journalist, either. So I just have to try to fake it. This is going to be a far more journalistic oriented novel than The Girl Who Played With Fire.

Anyway, I keep being paranoid that the Larsson estate is looking at this blog in alarm for this or that reason. If you are — cool it guys, you have nothing to worry about. While my heroine is meant to be an American Lisbeth Salander, that’s where the similarities stop. I will, however, give myself credit – I’ve come up with a pretty good heroine, if I do say so myself.

I’m sure something will happen to make my dreams of writing a break out thriller moot, but I’m digging the endorphin rush of allowing myself to be delusional for an extended amount of time.

The Novel Is Moving Fast Now


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Things are moving fast. Really fast. I still have a huge chunk of the novel to figure out on a tactical level, but on a strategic level, this thing is zooming towards its first draft completion.

The key thing is, I figured out a way to have a ritual to stop revising everything forever. Now that that’s figured out, I’ve forced myself to actually lock things down and move forward.

Wish me luck.

The End Of The Beginning Of The End Of The Trump Era


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m so happy it appears as though Trump may actually leave office. We still have a long, long, long, long ways to go. But at least this is the end of the beginning. Anyway, how is this possible, you ask. I thought autocrats “never lose.”

  1. He’s lazy and incompetent.
    There’s a reason why Trump is a “would be” autocrat — he really is just an empty suit. While Republicans have gotten pretty much everything they could possibly want with Trump because of their control of the Senate, to date, he hasn’t been able to take it to the next level. I overestimated his political ability and underestimated the power of American civil society.
  2. He didn’t strike before the election was called.
    If he was really the political genius that Maggie Haberman and — apparently me — think he is, he would have goaded Bill Barr into striking before the election was called. He probably could have “not lost” at SCOTUS had he done that. But, to date, Bill Barr has sat on his hands. It’s not over yet, of course.
  3. All his actions were tactical
    I really screwed this one up. Even Rudy’s usual disinformation tactics couldn’t overcome the dead hand of politics once the election was called. It’s surreal that they waited until AFTER the election was called to try to start ratfucking. There was no over all, grand strategy other than “just win.”
  4. It’s not over yet.
    I’m cautiously optimistic. But we’re one political bombing away from the country descending into civil war. But maybe, in the end, we’ll get through this. Trump could still do “something weird” (or destructive) on his way out the door.

I’ll Put A Move On You


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Relative to the metrics of your typical Blue Check Twitter liberal, I’m at best a loser and at worst a deranged Internet crank. But I can tell a good story. And things are beginning to move fast with the novel I’ve been working on for way too long.

Everything is falling into place.

I’m hoping to finish a strong first draft no later than my birthday, if not sooner.

There are a few quibbly things I have to overcome, but overall I’m very, very pleased. Big unknowns: 1) will people want to ready anything set during not only The Before Times but also during (an alluded to) Trump Era 2) is my social media output too “problematic” for me to sell the thing 3) will there be an actual fucking civil war / revolution 4) should the Biden Era actually occur, will anyone want to have a cathartic read about the Trump Era?

This is not “A Confederacy of Dunces,” I have a limited amount of time to try to sell this. Anyway, wish me luck.

Rudy’s SCOTUS ‘Political 9/11’ Gambit


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarer

What gets me is people like Chris Christie don’t understand what Rudy and his goons are really up to. The point is not to win anything in court, the point is to make the average person, who is too busy raising their kids and paying their mortgage to worry about politics, think what’s going on is “just like 2000.”

It is not, as you may know, “just like 2000.”

The 2000 race was decided by about 500 odd votes. Under the conditions of 2000, Trump has lost, lost, lost. Rudy knows that if he can make it seem as though the result of the election is still up in the air — which isn’t — then they have a shot at pulling off a “political 9/11” at SCOTUS should the opportunity arise.

Or, put another way, they want to create enough doubt within the center-Right bullshit echochamber that about 50% of the population listens to, that it gives cover to MAGA legislators in Michigan and Pennsyliva to simply nullify the certification of votes. If that works, then we have a coup.

It will be given a thin cover of “this is just like 1876,” but it’ll be a coup. It goes to CONGRESS, NOT THE HOUSE, and because the law on disputed Electors is shit and Congress is split….it goes to SCOTUS and Trump “doesn’t lose.”

That’s the disinformation strategy that Rudy is has in mind right now. I’m not being hysterical to say this strategy has worked over and over and over and over and over and over again for Rudy the last four years, so makes sense that it will work YET AGAIN.

The stakes are a lot higher, but the results will be the same — Trump lives to fight another day.

Now, of course, there is zero overarching strategy to any of this other than “just win,” so when they do “win,” there’s probably going to be a civil war / revolution and a lot — maybe a huge amount — of Americans on both sides will die for no damn reason.

I hope I’m wrong. I’m often — almost always — wrong. But at least be aware of what’s really going on right now.

‘I’d Like You To Do Us A Favor, Though:’ What If Trump Hosts The Electoral College At The White House?


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’ve been so busy assuming the Far Right would dox electors, that it didn’t occur to me that Trump might out of the blue call them all to the White House for a little tet-a-tet. And there’s absolutely nothing we could do about it.

We haven’t even gotten past the Certification Crisis, either. So, it could end there. Trump could throw the election into Congress, then SCOTUS then win. But if we get past this Certification Crisis, then we might see the surreal imagine of all the Electors spending the weekend at the White House or Camp David for the specific purpose of Trump attempting to glandhand them into voting for him.

Hell, he might even try to bribe them.

“I’d like you to do us a favor, though….”

While it’s still very possible that out of the blue a Right Wing insane person might murder an Elector before any of this can happen, I guess what I’m trying to say is — Electors are the weakest link of the Constitution because they’re physical human beings.