Month: December 2018

Don’t Fear The Reaper — Online Advertising Is Doomed & Based On A Lie

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

As I’ve written before, online advertising is based on a lie and as such it’s all going to come tumbling down soon enough. The lie it’s based on is that it, like, works and stuff. It just doesn’t. Online advertising is pointless and moot and soon enough it will be burned to the ground as its supplemented by what actually makes money — subscription services. It’s just a matter of when, why and how. As I understand it, online advertising — as predicted 20 years ago — is now larger than any type of media advertising. And it is, as we currently conceive of it, doomed.

What I mean is, very, very soon — I say no later than the beginning of the 2020 presidential campaign in early 2020 — there is going to be a fundamental shift in how people interact with online content. The switch over is going to suck massively for consumers used to — essentially — getting a lot of stuff for free, but as the Net matures, it’s all but inevitable at this point.

What’s going to happen is, because of the end of Net neutrality, essentially, the old concept of content aggregation found in online services such as AOL and Yahoo will come back. So, the missing link of the business plan of online media will finally arrive: how to actually make money.

So, when you’re stressing out about how Trump is going to win re-election in 2020, you’ll probably read that information via a portal of some sort that gives you a wide swath of content for $24.95 in the context of whatever Net access plan you might have figured out you want. Hence, there might be a Netflix and Chill bundle for some ridiculous amount, but as part of that for the low-low price of $24.95, you get free access to a wide-swath of video options in addition to Netflix, such as CNN, MSNBC & YouTube.

Or, put another way, it seems pretty obvious to me that the major Internet companies like Google, Netflix, Facebook and Twitter (and maybe even Amazon) will have a vested interest in subsidizing people’s access to content with the major broadband ISPs. That, in essence, is how consumers will be able to do the same stuff they do for free now, just they’re going to have to pay some for a wide-selection of content.

The endgame of all of this, is, of course, everyone makes a lot of money. Consumers get milked dry — there may even be some regulation (after the Republicans all commit mass suicide, of course ). The point is, we’re in later stages of one of the epoch of the Internet and once we lurch into a new one, the change will likely be rather dramatic.

One issue I honestly don’t know the answer to is what happens to content providers in general. Once all content of note behind a paywall, does that spell the final death knell of newspapers, or do they rebound? That’s a real tricky question. One scenario is newspaper Websites get into any number of $24.95 monthly bundles and or do they just fade away because people will only be willing to subscribe to The New York Times or The Washington Post? That’s a real quandary. I keep expecting someone to come out with an uber for newspapers, but it hasn’t happened yet.

My best guess is sometime between now and 2020, but anything could happen. We’ll see.

Of course, by 2024, all of this is moot because of VR/AR (MX). The whole thing gets reset as MX companies struggle to get people to actually use the services. And that doesn’t even begin to address how, like, uh, you would interact with a MX newspaper in the first place.

The upside of all of this is online content providers will FINALLY start to make something akin to the money they used to in the print era, even though in a dramatically different context.

‘The Donald’ — #Lyrics To A Rock Opera

This is my attempt to tell the story of the 2016 presidential campaign in verse. It’s very casual and very rough draft, but the song titles came fairly easily and it’s a rock opera, not a musical like Hamilton. But if you’re interested, I’d love to flesh this concept out with someone who, like, knows music and stuff. I’m sure someone out there is going to do exactly what I’m attempting but they’ll actually have the know-how to do it right.

Most of this is really, really bad. But I see this is just a rough draft. I wish someone would help me actually do something with this.

This first one is meant to set up the character. Again, this is barely a first draft. But I have some time on my hands and it seems the 2016 does lend itself to a rock opera of some sort. I just wish I could find someone who knew music to help me.

Donald J. Trump
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

a ‘small loan” from my dad
and I was ready to bet
been on your set since before Lennon’s death
I’m the man of your dreams don’t you fret
they call me The Donald
got my name on everything under the sun

they call me The Donald
I’ll sell you an invisible bridge
’cause I’m The Donald
The Donald
The Donald

I’m not going away
you’re going to respect me
others come and go
I’m here to stay
people claim to know me
want to scold me for being a fool
they’re just losers ’cause I rule
drool all you like you
I’m ready to hit a home run
bold is my style
when I’m not breaking my bank

dreams are meant to come true
so what am I to do
but throw down the gauntlet
proclaim myself the best to lead
this great nation
into the darkness
we’re going to make America great again
by tearing it down
with an exclamation

they call me The Donald
I’ll sell you an invisible bridge
’cause I’m The Donald
The Donald
The Donald

[bridge]
in my heart
it’s very dark
I used to be in on the joke
now that’s all up in smoke

I’ve always got a plan
making money is what I do
though I lose it just as quick
but it’s other people’s money
and I’m a big dick

they call me The Donald
I’ll sell you an invisible bridge
’cause I’m The Donald
The Donald
The Donald

This one is meant to explain the origins of Trump’s run for office. As I understand it, Trump legend has it that him being picked on at the White House Correspondence Dinner made him so mad he wanted to run for president. (Thanks Seth Meyers.)

They’ll Laugh At You
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

don’t run for president
don’t you dare
they’ll think you’re a joke
you’ll end up a punchline
the whole country will laugh and laugh
making you regret your act
they’ll laugh at you

they’ll laugh at you
I’m telling you straight
they’ll laugh at you
they’ll laugh at you
they’ll laugh at you

Meyers and his ilk
up at the podium smirk and mug
hoping you’ll get up and run
you have to sit there and take it
even though you’ve got the goods on Obama
know for a fact his Mamma knows the truth
he was born in Kenya and a Muslim to boot
they’re all laughing at you
they’re all laughing at you
they’re all laughing at you

now’s your chance
to turn their laughter upside down
make a run for it
a run for the summit
they’ll put you on Rushmore soon enough
once you get into the Electoral College
you’ll lance the boil
of a father who was way too cold

they’ll laugh at you
I’m telling you straight
they’ll laugh at you
they’ll laugh at you
they’ll laugh at you

[bridge]
in all seriousness
you’ve got to get going
time is not on your side
you’re not getting any younger
if you don’t move fast
they’ll laugh at you

so now we’re ready to go
you’re going to explode
popularity is your thing
the people will sing your name
not a dry eye in the scene

This is meant to be when Trump opens his campaign and rants about Mexicans.

Sending Their Worst
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

they’re a crisis on the border I tell you
rushing across into our nation
rapists and murders escaping justice
don’t know when it’s going to end
the losers in Washington can’t get it done
so I’m going to build a wall
to keep out the worst

they’re sending their worst
dark and dangerous
that’s who they are
they’re sending their worst
they’re sending their worst
they’re sending their worst

taking your jobs
leaving you on the curb
coming after all you hold dear
you have so much to fear
I’m the only one who can keep it clear

let me lob another attack
with me in charge things will change
law and order will be back
all your fears will be eased
you’ll have a job ’cause of me

they’re sending their worst
dark and dangerous
that’s who they are
they’re sending their worst
they’re sending their worst
they’re sending their worst

[bridge]
It’s all a lie
I know the truth
but I’ll make some money
be a star the way I want
all my dreams will come true
I’ll laugh and laugh

so give me your vote
we’ll drain the swamp
we’ll at last be on top
with me in charge we’ll stop them from

sending their worst
sending their worst
sending their worst

With this one, I just like the idea of talking about the conspiracy that Trump’s camp was involved in throughout the campaign.

Get Me Roger Stone
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

he’s the man to get the job done
we’ve got a shot of winning this
won’t run from my fate
there’s just one man I know
who can get us across the finish line first
get my Roger Stone

get me Roger Stone
get him on the line
he’s got the dark arts down pat
we’re in it to win it
for that we need Roger Stone
get me Roger Stone
get me Roger Stone
get me Roger Stone

I’m not going to lie
he’s my kind of guy
always up to dirty tricks
the type that gets your opponent licked
he’s a go-to guy for Russian spies
when this all ends he’ll have a grin

Roger Stone and I go way back
far into the darkness that you can’t see
but together our future is bright
we’ll be ruling the roost with all our might
just need a little bit of his juice
the type to give us a boost

get me Roger Stone
get him on the line
he’s got the dark arts down pat
we’re in it to win it
for that we need Roger Stone
get me Roger Stone
get me Roger Stone
get me Roger Stone

[bridge]
Roger will rush the Russians
no one has to know
might not even work
but what’s wrong with a little flirting
with an enemy of the state
if we win on the right date

Roger can get it done
I’m expecting my phone to ring
with him on the other side
ready to sing

This one is about the shenanigans at Trump Tower.

Take A Meeting
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

I love it
especially later in the summer
I love it
especially later in the summer

daddy’s always been good to me
gave me power over the company
as the election approaches
ready to make my name
going to meet “about adoptions”
if you know what I mean
love to take a meeting
later in the summer

I love it
especially later in the summer
I love it
especially later in the summer
love to take a meeting
love to take a meeting
love to take a meeting

no one will ever know
that adoptions are just for show
we’re here to connive
on the sly
with the Russians to get a leg up
with dirt they release

maybe we’ll be able to drive a stake
into Hillary Clinton’s campaign
by the end of the summer we’ll be on a path
to 300 electoral votes
dad will be so proud
finally give me the love I desire
won’t just be another son for hire

I love it
especially later in the summer
I love it
especially later in the summer
love to take a meeting
love to take a meeting
love to take a meeting

[bridge]
who am I kidding
why do I even try
I could hand the presidency on a platter
to old man
he’d just wink and nod

you never can tell
try not to dwell
my old man could win just yet
all our problems will be solved
I call your bet

This one is meant to be a dance pop song about Trump’s dumb campaign slogan.

Build That Wall
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

they’re sending their worst I tell you
it’s time we do something about it
I’m not going to rest
until we have a way to make your wish come true

it’s a white elephant
obvious to anyone who can see
but it’s not my money
what does it matter to me

build that wall
have Mexico pay for it
build that wall
have Mexico pay for it
build that wall
have Mexico pay for it
build that wall

we’re all going to live in a prison
one of our own making
but we’ll all be so proud once we’re in it
something there is that loves a wall
at least with my voters I know so well

it’s a white elephant
obvious to anyone who can see
but it’s not my money
what does it matter to me

build that wall
have Mexico pay for it
build that wall
have Mexico pay for it
build that wall
have Mexico pay for it
build that wall

[bridge]
never expect to win
but I’m riding the tiger
where it stops no one knows
if it’s at the White House
well, so it goes

build that wall
have Mexico pay for it
build that wall
have Mexico pay for it
build that wall
have Mexico pay for it
build that wall

Another song about Trump’s dumb campaign slogans.

Lock Her Up
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

she’s got so many emails
floating out there I believe
Russia if you’re listening
send them out
all I gotta say is
lock her up

lock her up
she’s broken the law
lock her up
if I’d one half the stuff she’d done
I’d be in jail
lock her up
lock her up
lock her up

here I am a man of the people
hoping you’ll listen to me
all the ships at sea can you hear me
when push comes to shove
I think you’ll agree
it’s time to
locker her up

we’re all citizens of the republic
but she’s above us all
’cause she’s got the gall
I’m ready to call a vote
if you’ll just shout

lock her up
she’s broken the law
lock her up
if I’d one half the stuff she’d done
I’d be in jail
lock her up
lock her up
lock her up

[bridge]
let me go
keep me free
I may have broken the law
colluding with a foreign power
but no one has to know
until I win

when this is all over
and I’ve lost
I’ll have so much to shout about
making money hand over first
without a doubt

This another song about a frequent retort during the 2016 campaign.

But Her Emails
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

people gather round and listen to me
I’ve got a voice and things to say
I may be a liar for all to see
but at least I don’t have emails
weighing on top of me

but her emails
is all I gotta say
but her emails
we’re just getting started
but her emails
but her emails
but her emails

no matter what I say or do
people know in their heart what I’ll do
those emails are more important than my lies
it shows Clinton’s a crook
gotta vote for The Donald
yes you do
I’ll bring bring back the jobs
what else can you do

I’m in the clear
let me tell you
we’re all going to win the lottery
once I’m in power
we’ll finally get a chance to lock her up

but her emails
is all I gotta say
but her emails
we’re just getting started
but her emails
but her emails
but her emails

[bridge]
never use email
no not once
all I do is tweet out my crimes
knowing no one will give a fuck

when this is over
and it will be soon
I’ll be raking in the dough
basking in the sun

This one is about the Access Hollywood tape.

Grab Them By The Pussy
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

I can’t help myself
I gotta step out (of bounds)
gotta grab and strut
show ’em that I’m tough
put a tick-tack in my mouth
after that it’s a black out

grab them by the pussy
is my thing
grab them by the pussy
will make me a man
grab them by the pussy
grab them by the pussy
grab them by the pussy

people look at see
what I say in private
get mad at me
why would do they that I ask
it was obviously just a joke
it was a crass piece of gas

but I’m no loser
never been one that’s just not me
going to say I’m sorry
hope this will all go away
so I can be the winner in the end

grab them by the pussy
is my thing
grab them by the pussy
will make me a man
grab them by the pussy
grab them by the pussy
grab them by the pussy

[bridge]
what am I going to do
they’re on to me
maybe I’m really going to lose
but that’s the plan all along
you know, don’t you?

in the end
you just don’t know
maybe one day people will regret
that they have me another chance
but not this time
this time I’m on top again

This is about the second Comey letter, the one that sank the Clinton campaign for good.

Second Letter
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

you’ve been very bad I must say
we’re going to give your emails a second look
maybe you did something wrong
we don’t know
so we’re going to poke around again
don’t you know

a second letter is here
one to knock you down
a second letter dear
a second letter for you to fear
a second letter
a second letter
a second letter

I think you’re going to win
not to write this letter would be a sin
so here I am hurting you so
but you’re a winner
don’t you know

we’re all going to laugh about this
in the near future I can feel it
people will look back and say
he did the right thing at the time
much to everyone’s dismay

a second letter is here
one to knock you down
a second letter dear
a second letter for you to fear
a second letter
a second letter
a second letter

[bridge]
my conscious is clear
I know I did the right thing
there’s no way you’ll lose
is there

things rushing towards the end
I guess then we’ll know
if I should I have written
that second letter or no

This one is about Trump’s closing argument.

What Have You Got To Lose?
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

the end is neigh
we’re all going to die
so listen to me
as explain my closing offer
what have you got to lose?

I’m not ready to end this debate yet
we’re all going win this tonight I say
why would you worry that I’ll doom us all
when I can say to you with all honesty

what have you got to lose?
what have you got to lose?
what have you got to lose?

how could it possibly get worst than now
don’t even know where the president was born
so like me say with a roar I’ll change things
when all is said and done
what have you got to lose?

what have you got to lose?
what have you got to lose?
what have you got to lose?

[bridge]
you’ve got everything to lose
I have no idea what I’m doing
just a bozo with a voice
a guy you wouldn’t trust with a dog
here to lead you into the dark

what have you got to lose?
what have you got to lose?
what have you got to lose?

This one is about how Trump didn’t expect to win.

Election Night
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

the results are coming in
looks like I’m going to win
what have I done
how am I going to spin this
victory into defeat

election night
here we are
victory is assured
election night
election night
election night

everything is going to change
the Russians will know
how I bent their will
that will be hanging over my head
what am I going to do
what am I going to do
what am I going to do

we’re all in this together
I should feel light as a feather
but things aren’t as they seem
the weight of the world is now on me

when this is over what will I do
how will I explain the nature of
my victory
people won’t understand
that I just wanted to win
they’ll think it’s a sin
a sin, a sin, a sin

election night
here we are
victory is assured
election night
election night
election night

[bridge]
this is not want I expected
did not want this outcome
feel like I’ll soon be on the run
victory is defeat
I will soon meet my fate

what happens next is anyone’s guess
I’ll be president soon
God bless
when January arrives a new life begins
all my lies will come back to haunt me
is all I know

This one would be something of a codex.

Winter For The Donald
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

winter has arrived
the sky in falling I’m afraid
much to my dismay I have to tell the truth
as Mueller’s army rules the roost
what am I going to do
the truth will will out

winter is here
winter is here
winter is here

I’m not prepared to fight the last fight
people better than me have cracked
now it’s up to me to cast out the dark
hopefully find life in the light

it’s not within me to do such a thing
I live within the dark
the light is not my friend
winter’s darkness won’t last forever

winter is here
winter is here
winter is here

[bridge]
spring is coming soon
how will I survive
once the rains arrive
now it’s time to make plans
for when I’m behind bars

once the summer arrives
I could be back in New York
a prisoner of my own making
high up in the tower
I so love
forever remembering what once was

I Honestly Don’t See How A General War Between Russia & Ukraine Doesn’t Happen Very Soon

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I’m not claiming to be an expert on this situation, but I would like to note the following things.

1. The Russians continue to block the Sea of Azov to the Ukrainians.
2. The Russian Army continues to move into Russian occupied Crimea.
3. The Russians refuse to give back the Ukraine ships and they are trying the Ukrainian sailors.
4. Putin and Trump had a “quick chat” about the Ukraine situation at the G20 meeting.
5. Mueller continues to circle the Trump Administration.
6. Trump’s administration is historically friendly to Putin.

The Trump Endgame

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

As of late 2018, here’s what I think the Trump endgame is going to be — Trump will ultimately fall back on the Nixon legal theory that “the president can’t obstruct justice” and that, as they say, will be that. He’ll also move the goal posts when it comes to Russian collusion / conspiracy to such an extent that that, too, will be mooted.

While all of this is going on, Trump will feel MAGA a daily dose of conflation, confusion, muddling the waters and general demagogic mindfucking. Ultimately, things will be so warped that by 2024, Trump will be as unpopular as ever, but he’ll use his Hitler-like charm with the volk to pick some young, ideological asshole across the finish line and it’ll be THAT guy who does the REAL damage for any number of reasons.

Having said all that, let’s look at the idea that Trump would go full Nixon. One thing, just from casual, passive observation of FOX News I see through my Twitter feed, is that the idea that Trump would do the most Trumpian thing ever and appoint his own special prosecutor to look into UraniumOne seems, at this point, almost a foregone conclusion. I could see Trump appointing such a special prosecutor and offering the Democratic House the following deal: I get to fire Mueller in exchange for getting rid of my insane UraniumOne prosecutor. I see that as something that might happen between now and January 1st. It would be just like Trump to do something that insane while everyone was relaxing on, say, Christmas.

So, if Trump goes full Nixon, he probably will survive. What Trump lacks that Nixon had is honor, so I could totally see Trump appointing his own special prosecutor, and saying that as president he can’t commit obstruction of justice. Any order on the part of SCOTUS for him to testify he ignores and wallow in a staggering Constitutional Crisis for the next six or so years. Trump really doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself and the idea of tearing the country apart in such a manner wouldn’t phase him one bit.

Something really, really bad would have to happen politically — or economically — for Trump to come anywhere near being forced out of office any time soon. I’m not even sure the Democrats have the guts to impeach Trump right now. So, in the end, we might have Trump dead to rights to any number of pretty staggering political crimes and…nothing happens.

Thus, in a way, Trump would be a lot like Reagan after Iran-contra. He’d just kind of drift through office, being a dick and after he’s out of office, the center of gravity in the Republican Party shifts to the right in a mindboggling way and 20 years from now Republicans will talk about Trump the way they used to talk about Reagan.

The 3 Things That May Force Trump Out Of Office In 2019

At this point, my expectations are so low when it comes to Trump ever actually being forced out of office for any reason other than the fact that he can’t run for a third term that this is just me idly daydreaming. — Shelton Bumgarner

No Deal Brexit
If I was a betting man, No Deal Brexit is probably the one I would lay money down on. I say this because really, 20% to 30% of Trump’s popularity comes from the strong American economy. If No Deal Brexit happens and is as bad as we all fear, the global economy could come to a screeching halt and with it Donald Trump’s presidency. Not only would “rich MAGA” leave Trump, but a lot of ignorant poor MAGA would too. They would do the “Pence Pivot” on a dime and we’d all be arguing over how much Pence hates gay people, not Trump’s many, many, many crimes. Of all the ways Trump leaves office, this is by far the most likely. I say this because No Deal Brexit seems like it might actually happen.

Proof Of Trump Being A Russian Agent
This one is pretty much just a liberal fever dream. While it’s pretty much self-evident at this point that Putin and Trump have a lot more than a simple bromance going on, how we would actually get _proof_ that Trump is a Russian agent is beyond me. But it would have to be nearly the Constitutional definition of treason for this to happen. Anything less and Trump and his cronies could spin it in any number of different ways and we’d just muddle through like we always do.

A Huge Jeffery Epstein Revelation
Again, this one would poses a real risk to Trump, but it’s extremely unlikely. While the Epstein affair is sordid and horrible and a travesty of justice….I just don’t see what I want to have happen — Trump’s close relationship to Epstein be shown to be much more proactive than we understand it be now — simply isn’t going to happen. Trump was close to the guy, but as of right now it doesn’t appear that he was THAT close to him.

So, I honestly don’t see anything happening to Trump. He’s a mad, tyrannical king for the time being.